as promised the lyrics...
i wrote the lyrics and the melody and chris wrote the piano part.
it was written following a conversation- a very honest one! between the two of us and this was the product of my head and what chris was just playing around wiht on his keyb at the time. i really hope to get it uploaded to the net soon... for one thing i want opinions on it, cause i would like to redo it i think and i wonder if anyone else has a similar thought as to inprovements....
soon hopefully... im gonna investigate finding some free hosting that will let me have a 5 meg download....
may be back in while!
here are the lyrics tho...

Exposed - ®©

exposed, feels so bare
nothing to protect me
just the clothes i wear
exposed, there for all to see
im losing my control
i cant keep this hold.

i need the shelter
to hide the pain
from myself
all the shame
all the fear
i need your cover
i need you near

exposed, spewed out on the floor
for everone to gaze at
for all to behold
exposed, nothing left to give
now i feel so empty
dont know if i can live

i need the shelter
to hide the pain
from myself
all the shame (yeah)
all the fear
i need your cover
i need you near

im not talking i can barely breathe
what if someone says what they have seen?

exposed, now i feel so alone
cringing curled in a corner
feels so cold
exposed, turn my face to the shadow
looks are like poisoned arrows
which pierce my soul

im not talking i can barely breathe
what if someone says what they have seen?
my greeting card smile cannot save me now
ive got to get away from here somehow

exposed feel so bare
nothing to protect me
just the clothes i wear
exposed nothing left to give
now i feel so empty
dont know how i can live
exposed.

© S.Smith & C. Butt 2002

there ya go. if you have any comments then let me know!
sara

im not doing any greek
i FINALLY got the mp3 of mine and chris's song back- it sounds quite nice for a first take..
when i find the lyrics ill post em up...
ive spent most of the evening talkig to chris and ed over irc, makes a change really- havent spoken to chris in a long while...
we're all going to the cinema next tuesday.. and doin tea. could e interesting....

i really /should/ spend this evening doing greek but i really cannot be bothered!
i think i may do a couple of films and some ice cream- see whats in the co-op or some serious tony hawks and ice cream, and celebrate the search being ended. at last. now i just need to get back to chesterfiddled and get hold of a case. i may email the guy there....
am up to the shop now.. will let you know what ive got when i get back, and you may decide that this is boring im sorry- im in a conversational mood at the moment, and there is no one around to converse with!!!

sara

heya!

i have a new guitar!!!
it is a tanglewood. - tg55ns- and i love it but i cant take it out anywhere cause i dont have a case for it yet! as its too big for my other one... im still gonna see if anyhting can be done to save my other baby so i can have a back up guitar and i have a number to ring which may be able to give it some life back, thanks to ant...
grrrrrr

ive got one of my songs onto mp3 now so all i need is somewhere/someone really nice to upload it so people can download it cause i dont have anywhere- if anyone wants to offer then let me know!
now i have a hopefully reliable guitar im going to see about getting some of my other stuff recorded. i have enough now to record a cd's worth. just need someone to play bass and keys, a friend of mine has offered to play guitar, and seeing as hell do it much better than me he can! this will probably be one of my summer ish projects... well as soon as exams are over. i pretty much have the technology to do it now and if i dont then im sure i can find/borrow/beg/buy (a cheap but good) fourtrack...just need the people to have a play with the songs now!
lol

okay, its 10.13 as i begin to write this, i should have been in a lecture at 9.00 and i wasnt. i woke up feeling possibly the worst i have felt in a while. quite sick, my back killing and my legs hurting.... i guess in some ways its my fault.
we had a stomp/dynamites social yesterday which was lots of fun, we went to the Bankers Draft for lunch and then we went into the peace gardens and lounged around.... until a frisbee appeared. now i used to play an awful lot of frisbee, and i didnt really overdo it, didnt really have to run around or jump or dive, and was only playing slowly and leisurely for around half an hour... and mole is really quite good, he s got very good aim so when he passed to me i just held my hand out and it landed there.
so in that way it could be deemed as being my own fault that i feel so pants this morning. BUT. is that the case or is that how a certain troublesome character is wanting me to feel. i honestly dont know. i should be allowed to go do things which are fun occasionally and i know that God doesnt want me to be ill, and he certainly doesnt want that to stop me from having fun (as long as its the right kind of fun) so at the moment i have this huge tension to consider and i have to admit that im unsure about it an its causing me a bit of grief. a huge part of me just wants to accept that its my fault for doing too much or something that i shouldnt have and that its my fault that my spine is knackered to begin with, and there is a small part of me which is questioning the whole of that attitude.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

another quizzing of myself at this point in time is over my perception of God. this stemmed from saturday and a conversation i was having which brought the question of relationship, imminence and transcendence into being. this is a good thing tho i think, and could be helpful.

im going to rotherham in a while to go and look for a guitar. apparently there is a good music shop there, and if i dont lose mick (which is entirely probably as apparently my dad loses him htere all the time!) and is pants might even get o chesterfiddled on the same day to try find a guitar.

oooooooooh! am looking for music shops and theres one in barnsley thats got a deal on a nice yamaha acoustic guitar!!!! and i cant get there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrr heartbroken. :(
however i may be able to use that to get money off the same guitar somewhere else :D
grrrrr anyhoo need to go get ready for a lecture..

long day. very tired. an hours sleep missing to start with today, meant that dynamites was well tiring to begin with. follow that with a team social and then on to the teaching service, and then return home and back, now am just checking mail before collapsing into bed.....
many things are afoot....
talk more tomorrow, am going to rotherham too to look for a guitar,...

night.

okay. havoign returned home, and then a surprise visit to the shiny sheff with sim and george, i return home.
there is no guitar, but the day was not wasted... a three and a half hour conversation with ed about religion, heaven and hell, what happens when you die,atheist v christian arguements and a lot of hypothetical questions. i was encouraged that i was able to give honest open answers which is somethign that ive never really been put on the spot and been forced to do before. man it was weird but cool...
any way the clocks go forwards tonight, so i need tog go to bed cause i have dynamites in the morning.
night.

okay, im leaving my house to see off to york in 25 minutes....

words of wisdom for today- "dont use lore'al elvive shampoo - it realy really aggravates excma.."

oh by the way, the toothache disappeared at 11.45pm, quite quickly. so i had quite a good night in terms of sleep- and i woke up today feeling vaguely energetic, which is brilliant, and im praying that i dont get toothache again today- i cant get to the charles clifford until mondya.... ive made an executive desicion not to go back to my old dentist...

i feel really bad... ive just listened to the WESTLOIFE cover of "what becomes of the broken hearted" aAAAAAAAAHHHhhhhh!
the robson and jerome version is soooooooooooo much better,

in case you couldnt tell im in quite good spirits today :)
im now on ballroom blitz, one of my favourite songs... if only cause its in waynesworld!! (party on, excellent!)

lol... im regressing back into my favourtite films, last night innvolved the watching of blues brothers and blues brothers2000- beautiful.

also in this list involves most jackie chan films , (i have a few)
both waynes worlds, (got these)
and of course, both bill and teds... i regret to say i dont have these yet! i really really want them, so if any of you see them in any shops, then please let me know! i missed them in music zone when they were 4 quid each.... :S

any way i gottsa go.
have a ggreat day y'all, and if i get my new baby, ill find a pic, and post the link!

loads of love to ya!
sara

ooooooowwowowowowowowowowoweeeeeeeee
owwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!!

i have, well had a filling in my wisdom tooth, but it came out! and boy does it hurt! its very close to there beign a nerve exposed which is not nice, especially as i cant take any painkillers cause i cant take tablets....

im going to have to try and make an appointment for asap next week, but i dont want to go to my old dentist... he's not very good if im honest, and usually causes more problems... its a bit of an arse being deficient in calcium, specially when i cant drink 8 pints of milk a day....

please pray that it stops hurting cause i wont sleep otherwise and its compeltely killing my concentration and i really dont think that i can take 3 hours on a coach with it like this...
thank you
x

may i just say... its now 2 months and 28 days till i go to see bon jovi!
i cannot wait!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the site is working now, but its being an arse!!!!!!!!!!! im getting thoroughly peeved.

also just gave the first vague ticking off to the 'band' - ooooh dunno if id said that, but there may be a new band. although now im not too sure. im not very sure about anything that is at all future related at the moment... i dont know what i want to be doing next year!
but yeah the skill is there, and we gel really well, but i get the feeling theres a lil glory hunting , and possibly sexism, going on, and i for one, cannot be donig with it.

im still really really tired.
ive paid money into the bank now tho, and it was very scary to be walking through town with 41 £10 notes and 2 £20's.but at least i know ill be able to pay for my guitar now!!

its a very hazy day today... very nice :)

i think im gonna go home and just go to bed. i shouldnt be feeling so tired, and i did get around 6-7 hours of sleep.. better than the usual 4, and im not feeling tired cause ive slept too much., that feels completely different.
might call in the old coffee rev on church street thats not got a name now, on my way home...
talk to you soon peoples.
x

ok, well im desperately trying to get on the tanglewood site and it looks like its crashed!!!!!!
this, is NOT a good thing...

im really really knackered. and i have no reason to be- i went to bed at 9pm last night, set my alarm for 7am that giving me 10 hours sleep and i still couldnt get up until 8.30.....its beginning to worry me a little.

i got my letter through from the hospital today though, finally, (quote doctor) "we tend to deal with this kind of thing very promptly, generally within a fortnight"(/unquote doctor) now a month after saying that i get a letter for an initial consultation on the 7th of may.
what is going on there!
but i guess i should be thankful that they have at least got this far now.

i think me being so tired has somethign to do with not sleeping again,i got sleep, but it was really really broken, and i had to have the windows wide open for most of the night, i just need to know why i kept waking up, was it just because, or was there another reason... i know that im due to go into another phase b in terms of my sleeping pattern, but i was kinda hoping that god had broken it when my phase c only lasted 2 and a half weeks instead of the usual 6....

however i do have cash now to p[ay for my guitar! my mum gave me 450 quid this morning, 50 of a present i had yet to spend and 400 poiunds of my "you cant have this till youre 18, oh wait you /are/ 18... (im 19 mum).... oh yeah, um well you can only have it for somethign long lasting...and only if you really really need it" money.

lol
the coach to york is going to be interesting. 2 hours there, nearly 3 back, and im not sure how its going to work getting my guitar back if i manage to get it tomorrow....
it may be that i need to find someone who fancies a drive up there to collect it for me and breing it back by car cause national express have a huge stress if you try and take it on the coach with you and i really dont want to leave it in the luggage storage unless i have a hard case for it, (which i dont unless they give me one for free - hmmmmmmm yeah....i wish-) cause itll get broken.

interesting dilemma...
well
im off to go to listen to 'jesus- man or myth?' for 12 pm but i need to call at the bank and ask them if my switch card has a limit cause i know i can only take 300 pound a day out of an ATM....
will prolly post again later....
bye!
sara
-x-

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
ive spent the last 20 mins trying to delete one of these posts.... and i cant. its screwed up cause i wrote a load of gobbledigook!
oh well..............

im currently sat in the arts tower, mucking round till 4.40 and whilst writing this post im also chatting to lee and watching ant on his webcam as lee said he was playing his guitar and singing...

speaking of guitars!

i really really hope that i find a new baby in york on saturday!
although my mums now having a stress cause she misheard how much money i needed this month to borrow/get from my other account.
i personally dont see why i cant spend 350 pounds of my own money on a guitar...
but yeah itd be really good to have it sorted out!

aaaaanyway. need to go need to go buy food for this evenings meeting for wales.
then its (hopefully) off to prayers. and in case you dont know i made a promise to go to 7pm prayers at least 3 times a week where possible, and so far ive stuck with it!
its been cool to be doing that tho, even though i havent been healed totally yet, god's working on it!
sara

ever wished you could just turn off the internet??

well now you can!

just go here!

check the new links!
id like to welcome the cliffords to the links section, and i hope that many of you will read their blog if you dont already cos its cool
:)

also... keep your eye out for INFINITUM the new website arriving soon.

okay scrap what i said. every last bit of it.
bvleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeghjbwarenghairoamngheuigbaewnopmscopqmopremgunvdwunefnwecnisgtmnorle,mgwmnoiegnrtoiwmnoimfirownyoie5nionroinheioktmnoipkmfwopefmopwmroignirnhoientrohmnope,morpmopmnoiwehoirnyineopmnotmrhjopmotemhopmteoopejroihnernghteoinhienthmotkeup[k,hjp[tkitjruihnuiftkfrmogijghepe,lc;e,pjtirjeoihnoiejropjeopmgoermtyjioeytpomophmetrouemnepgrmopreyl;empofmopyjoeptrmghojreopyjkoprjemnopyhrenm.

well, i didnt mean there wasnt much to say- theres shed loads to say! but thats a lot, and it wasnt in any sensical formation - its a little more ordered now, but not as much as id like. im currently sat in uni eating a strawberry pavlova (even tho we're not sposed to eat in pc rooms- well its my tea so i dont care) to check mail and to try and work some stuff out. floor 12 of the arts tower is nearly as good as the hills i go to for this kinda thing, the problem being its not outside or removed enough... but itll do cause im not dressed to be out on a hill at the moment.
i did work out why i like to go onto a cliff to think tho. i was waiting at the bus stop (surprisingly!) for a bus and slightly miffed that i wasnt prepared to go find a cliffy hill. it has to do with perspective.

when stuff comes up it always seems big, but i find that if i go out into the hills or somewhere overlooking the city- its helps my perspective of it and i dont necessarily get God's perspective on it- tho that would be nice, but it does help to size things up more accurately. im beginning to get my head round some of this stuff but more things keep appearing, and now i havea quite big thing that i need to go think about so im going to go do that thru prayers.

tuesday morning.
i slept in.
i was going to get up early and go into philadelphia but i was too tired, however i am going to leave to go there in around 20 mins.
there isnt really much that i can say today i guess...
sorry.

well, having spent 2 hours on the phone to abbie just now, ive worked out what some of the questions, frustrations and insecurities that i am experiencing at the moment actually are, which is good, but i feel as if too much is being asked of me at the moment. In some ways it could be argued that it isnt, but im learning my limits and this stuff goes beyond them.
One of the larger portions of discussion we had was about removing roots and how sometimes they arent necessarily known to exist and sometimes they arent considered to actually be of any importance by us, but to God they are, and how maybe that is part of the stuff that is going on at the moment. One thing i think we both conclusively agreed on however is that a lot of similar stuff has happened for both of us over the last fortnight and to some extent its almost as if there is too much there to process any new information which would explain some of it, but my argument against that is one of if that is the case, then why provoke someone to seek answers to questions which they then cannot get because of the above- isnt that slightly sadistic?
i dont know.

i may not be making very much sense at the moment, for which i apologise to you, i really do, its just that i tend to process this kind of thing externally and writing it means i can do it without annoying anyone by talking at them. im just confused about it all and am trying to work it out. but thats kinda my reasoning behind this- a soundboard to display my opinions and reactions.

i have an idea which im currently grappling with at the moment, which i really hope isn true but i think it might be, and i also think i know what needs to happen with it, but thats all very scary and in the concept stage and i dont want to admit it cause i very viciously denied it at one point, and at this point i need to apologise to chris for the roasting i gave you about even daring to suggest such a thing (although you still didnt approach it in the best method) and if you cannot remember what im talking about then if you ask ill tell you...

so as you can see things are at a very interesting point for me at the moment.

i think i might add a new section to the left hand side next time im on here.
hmmmmm.
i guess if anyone wants to know then ask me, and ill fill you in as far as i can, although it will probably come out on here in some form or another as i make progress.

sara

ive updated the songs section.

not much i can say at the moment.
i think im in pieces.
unsure as to whats going on.
lots of questions i dont have the answers to.

need to do band website.
may post some more later.

well, ive got back from going to play bingo wiht my mum...
we didnt win anything (surprise) but it was kinda cool- we talked about my imminent moving out on the way home and things like making sure i have things i might forget like curtains and towels, which i think i surprised her when i said that i had been thinking about things like that, cause i admit that they arent the foirst things you think about when youre moving out for the first time.
i guess though, that ive 'practised' so many times that i know what i need to consider - by practising i mean going away for a month or so, although this year i relly wont be- im going to have to work full time to make sure that i have money to live next year and even then i think im gonna have to work part itme over part of the year- although we can get 3 gigs a month then i can do it comfortably, tho thats not a certainty by any means unless we sign up with an agency, which means id need 5 gigs a month thencause they take a huge cut.

on that note...

my guitar is broken
its not broken i can never play it again broken, but its too broken to consider using in any situation requiring amplification/recording which is really really pants.
however,
i was looking on the tanglewood website earlier and founf that if i were to replace my guitar- it wouldnt cost the 6/700 pounds id been thinking, which is brill, and im thinking about buying the same model, but in a different colour and then using my other guitar as a back up, and fixing it by installing an acoustic pickup in the soundhole as opposed to the piezo one that it has- its a shame because i really do like my guitar, but..... at the same time, it could have been much worse than it is, although, i do need it replacing before the first gig, and it would be so cool to have loads of people there expecting my lovely blue guitar and it not being there! and then i can show off my new baby.
at prac today we also worked out a cool new 2 songs to include in which is good, cause we also booted 2 out of the main line up- theyre great songs, we can both play them really well and i can sing them, but musically and texturally they are weak. they need another instrument in them, so anyhting else which may be organised at all in terms of musical ideas may well include them, but they arent right for now.

i need to go find me a guitar.
you could say that i am heartbroken.

:-(

the lecture ive just been to was actually really good.
picked up some lil nuggets which was good, ive missed the ast two lectures which have been looking at the synoptics in turn, so today's was luke, and derew some really interesting things.
if i get chance i may post them later, when ive written up my notes. am currently listening to my mp3 cd of worship songs, tho im going to have to replace it soon cause its a bit scratched, and before theres a hufge outrage at me having supposedly pirated songs on it, i own all of the songs on official cds, except two, which arent avaliable, and 4 others which were avaliable for download for free as tasters for albums.

id like to apologize for the obscene amount of spelling mistakes found within this blog recently. i do sometimes check but ive been slack the last week-10days or so.

i want to go get some lunch buit the paternoster isnt working and im currently sat on floor 12 of the arts tower with the expess lifts being a bit dodgy..... it aint looking good, so it can wait until ive done up here....

its a very hazy day today, and another warm one, not as warm as the last couple but warm enough.well a couple of random convos, the sun has come out and is blinding me, although its my own fault for sittingin front of an unlet down blind..... hmmmmmmmmmmm that made little sense. but i have to say that these head fones are great, just finished listening to faithless - god is a DJ through them with the extra bass turned on. wikkid. not that im a huge dance music person. i have selected tracks that i like.

in a short while im going to go up to crookes and collect the card to finish this prayerstation sdo ill be heading off

the band site is nearly finished.... i just need to write the majority of the content!
that is not too big a job however, so im not too fussed and will do that tonight probably. As soon as its done and up, therell be a link to it!
right im gonna go up and get some lunch and get these done and then put it up, go sort a gig out and then go write the site, and then to bed i think!
this weekend is quite a busy one for me- tomorrow ive got an earlystart to band practice like 10am!!!!!!!!!!
eugh well i arranged it so i cant complain, early start - early finish, at 6pm ill be off to the bingo with my mum to make up for not going last night.
and then sunday, crookes kids in the am, and then whatever in the pm followed by the teaching service in the evening!

talk to you soon,
sara

okay, i bought some new headphones this morning cause i decided to break the best pair i ever had by repeatedly yanking them out of my ears by throwing my cd player down a bus several times inthe last 2 weeks. seeing as htey were amzingly reliable up until my own stupidity i have decided to stick with sony and bought myself some of the new slightly olk skool looking ones, but they fit really nicely, and the style means i dont have to worry about them falliung out of my ears. plus being a stoodent i get 5% discount in maplins.
i missed a lecture to go and get them but i dont care. twas probably actually a good thing that i doid cause i would have shouted at the lecturer if hed have said anyhting to me.

in some ways its very hard to write this post because i dont want to go back to yesterday at all, but i cant just pretend that it didnt happen, cause thats pure denial, which means i can be comletely trivial only, and i dont want to do that. i dont do completely trivial.
thge first part of this post is me attempting to do completely trivial, see it so dont work does it!

i understand yesterday a bit more now tho in the context of the wider picture not just as an incident in itself.


one thing im realising at the moment is the reality of the battle we are fighting, and im not talking about the 'war' here. im talking about the spiritual battles, two kingdoms clashing here in this reality in this time, fighting it out- it would have amazing scope for a movie yet its not fictional- its fact.
at some point i may do large post on here outlining what i understand and what i have discovered. im gonna do a bit of research into it tho i think cause its definately something that is quite pressing at the moment, and i need to make sure that i have my armour on. the thing i lack at the moment is a belt.

okay. i return back and get completely and utterly slated.
my greek teacher decides to publically give a huge severe warning about collusion on assignments- this was aimed directly at me, even though he knew that i had discussed with him the fact that i needed to catch up on the work that i had missed, and because he didnt think it was a valuable enough waste of his time to go through it with me, i went and spoke to someone else about the work i had not done in order to be able to attempt the assignment. Why didnt he just come straight out with it and accuse me of cheating??? im sure that thats proabably what he thinks anyway. due to the traffic this morning i didnt get to my tutorial either, which isnt a huge problem, however i am going to go into greek thisa afternoon now and sit there, i may well not participate. i sat through the whole of it this mornig, and as he went through the assignment every comment he made weas pointed directly at me. if he'd have asked me anyhtinbg i would have just crumpled, and burst into tears. i was on the verge of it anyhow, and anyone who knows me knows that that isnt somethingn i do lightly. i know that most of you will be thinking that i should just grow up, and stop being such a pussy, that i shouldnt take things so personally, that i shouldnt be saying anyof this cause who wants to listen to it anyway?
Well, at risk of alienating you all,


JUST BACK OFF


i am feeling amazingly fragile at the moment, and in some ways i couldnt care less what any of you think, and i could quite happily have a huge rant at every single one of you, and the ways in which a lot of the time you make me feel about 2 nanometers tall, but im not going to do that because a lot of this is the frustrations and anger talking, and not really my complete basline opinions, well, they are but eugh.... someone might know what i mean by that.

there are a lot of things which i am seriously considering at this particular momnet in time.
for this analogy to work, you have to assume the world is flat.
i really feel like taking a paper boat, sailing to the end of the world and going over the edge, simply because while i know its not a good idea, it will get me out of this place, and maybe i will never return, but is that really such a bad thing?

a lot of illusions are in the process of being shattered. i have nothing to hide behind anymore. im officially gonig on protest i have decided.
call it running away, call it cowardice, call it what you will. i dont care.
Q.what did they do to people convicted of cowardice in world war 1?
A. they shot them
i have a similar attitude?
so shoot me

this isnt just from the one thing before anyone you start accusing me of being a psychopath.
it comes from a lot of thinking last night about some stuff, the consequences of it, the reasons for it, the outcomes of it.
all of these are things which shouldnt need to be considered to start with- they have no place, but alas this is not a perfect world, and i am by no means a perfect person, and i could use that to answer the wquestions i have but that is too simple, too obvious, an easy get out.

if i had to describe how i see 'me' at the moment (the real me that is in there somewhere)..... the closest i could get to is this.

a deserted beach at dawn. the tide is in, creating mini islands which are far enough to be completely isolated from the rest of the beach or the other islands, and one one of these 'mini' islands sits a girl. Her clothes are ragged and her hair unkempt.
She sits on the rock, with her chin resting on her knees which are surrounded by her arms with her hands tightly clasped at the front, like a string tied around a brown paper parcel and bowed at the front.
She is looking out into the sea from which she has come, the look on her face is one of acceptance and sadness, no anger, or distress, no extreme visable emotion, yet if you look into her eyes all you see is pain and you have to look away again as it begins to penetrate your being.
You could almost imagine that if you unclasped her hands and undid the ribbon on the parcel, the contents would begin to spill out and empty into the sea, and you wonder if that wouldnt be such a bad thing, but then you realise that if you were to do that, there would be nothing left, and by holding everythign inside she is able to survive, as these things create a backdrop which she can work from, and yet, even tho she makes no sound or moves no muscle, you can sense that she feels trapped, and you can almost hear her asking you to help, even though there is very little that can be done. as you step back you see that on the island itself there is nothing, and as you leave you wonder what her crime was.

somewhere, hidden underneath, that is me.



i feel as if im losing grip of my hands.

well, im going back into uni today, for the first timethis week, and im not doing a full day. im not gonna do the pm greek lecture.

i have a question:
to turn off your computer (assuming its a windoze one) why do you have to press the start button?
why is life a rollercoaster not a fairground carousel? cause life goies round in circles as well as up and down...?
i have several more musings going round my head like that, but ill update them later.....

sara

the lord works in mysterious ways.

im not going to divulge any further cause i dont want to really explain it all yet, but i think that something major is brewing and it woule be really great if anyone reading this who is up for it can ask god for a word/picture etc about it and let me know if they get anything.- it would help a lot as i need to verify this and anyhitng that is said that is right will be from god only and not anyhting of me.
i need to be asleep but i cant.
lots to think about.
sara

its now 4.38- v spooky thing just happened, well if it had happened to anyone else it would have been spooky anyhow-
i was going to email abbie, and she rang me!!!!
how random is that!
she wanted cheering up and i was only too happy to oblige :)

Ive also got a fair bit done towards sorting out the prayer station stuff to be put together tomorrow.

it is an absolutely gorgeous day outside which is cool, and if i wasnt doing anything then id be out walking in the peaks- i would have gone out into castleton but alas i hadnt got my sunglasses with me, and i had not got time today- awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i might go out and sit ont the bolehills for a while tho, i dont know as yet, although the battery monster has found a way into my house and stolen my 20 duracell batteries!!!!! meaning my cd player has no power!!! uggggggggggggggggggh!

I wonder if anything was sorted this afternoon with my sister- she was excluded yesterday for 'uprooting' a fence belonging to school property.
i know that fence- i went to the school for 5 years, the fence was rotten- this is not me defending my sister- i am the last person to defend her- and no- she shouldnt have done it- be it deliberate or accidental, she was trying to get the football back out of the tree, and yes, she shouldnt have done it- the thing which i am disagreeing with however, is the fact there were 8 people involved and only 2 of them were caught, one of which being my sister.
back in my day (eugh- i sound well old!) if there were several people involved then they would be caught and punished.
need i mention the infamous 9A 'grass'. y. field. incident?? 13 people were excluded for a week....


i have to say that the school has fallen to pieces, for three main reasons,
1. Mr Cook leaving.
2. Mr Marsden's death (no one then being around to keep ms james in check)
3. Several key teachers leaving and gonig elsewhere.

its a shame. i was probably the last year to leave that school when it had the best reputation.
i t was by no means perfect - i mean look at me, im not exactly an exemplary pupil!
but it causes a sadness to think that there will be no more greats to emerge out of there, wioth a balanced inter and extra curricular education, good results, and morals.

Rest in Peace, Meadowhead school
died- 2000.

lol. well i finally got the greek finished!!!!!!!!!!

hehe.

dont really have too much to say.
teenage dirtbag is playing loud on VH1 ...... magic!
will update the song list later!!!!! im back in da old skool!

did oyu know that ERASURE are playing the city hall soon!!
bring it on!!!!!!
now adam and the ants and prince charming are on!!!!!!!!
lol


im gonna go before i freak everyone out.

okay, greek is almost done...
some very strange things are happening.... quite cool but strange. and several peopel are involved i think without even realising it...
by the way- i cant spell.

night

heya well, i got up, i got to crookes on time.. im tired, but not too tired at the moment.
im half an hour im meeting phil to go through some greek with him so i can hand the assignment in tomorrow, and then im off home.
the assembly was great this morning. i then went down to philadelphia to sort out some games stuff, went to 12oclock prayers and then got a lift up to crookes
where i called in the molehill and then down to the union where i had lunch and chatted to dr mark, which was nice.

im going to stick my neck out here, but the next post you will recieve from me will be AFTER , and only after i have finished the greek.

sara

dammit....!!!!!

now im not tired at all!!!!!!!!!!
grrrrrrrr... may involve some SERIOUS playstation tonight then....!!!!!!!!

please can the next person to see me remind me that i need to buy some hot chocolate as there is nothing to drink in the house other than tea, which for obvious reasons i cant drink
ie LENT......

there is also no food, although thats less of an issue! i could eat some buttons right now tho.....
lol
ok, im going upstairs.
tony hawks here i come!!!!!!!

lol.
sara

okay the greek has started and that has solved half of the problem.
i can now get on with it i think.
im going to bed in a sec, i have to be up early in the morning, and im really tired- i went to karate this evening, and i survived!! this is a major achievement for me.
okay huuuuuuge distractions- i had actual EMAIL!!!!!! praise the lord!
matthew, chris you are both stars.
spent nearly half an hour replying too.... it makes such a change!!!

im still waiting on a letter- i really hope that it arrives soon...like tomorrow!

at the moment it seems that as progress in one area is made (wrists back and joints) attack comes in several others...
but im am being looked out for and i appreciate it. im keeping going, and (at the moment) im determined to keep going- the victory has already been won!
my strategy at the moment consists of lots of praying, keeping a check on my attitudes, and asking that when something happens that there is something to counter it, be it truth, an encouragement, a word or whatever.

Abbie is being a huge help to me at the moment, especially with the internal health stuff, and some of the other stuff, heck- just talkign to her always helps.... one of us has usually done something dumb between conversations which guarentees a laugh :)

stuff /is/ happening,
it may not be happy clappy, but its a good thing overall.
PLEASE keep reminding me when i dont think so!!!

(hmmm... im guessing that me feeling in such a good mood is a byproduct of an hour of asskicking (well punching) - got some of my frustration out, didnt hurt anybody (or myself, or a wall)

take care of yselves, and each other.
love you all loads
sara
-x-

greek is still not happening.
arg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
has everybody like abandoned the internet????
gonna play with website in a bit, but im not allowing myself till i have finished this torture
sara

well, this screwed up when i was trying to write this post.....
am currently doing a greek assignment. it isnt going very well....

i have worked out why people think i watch eddie izzard a lot, and would like to state the following:

I WAS DOING THAT WELL BEFORE ID EVEN HEARD OF THE GUY!!!!!

also learnt a load more HTML which means that i should now be able to reproduce my website how i want it to.....
hmmmmmm#
keep looking :)

the duo has a name!!!!!

as of last night,
we are called 'infinitum'
and we have a gig in april at the batemoor, kindof another tester gig, but it would be great to see lots of peopel there, and details of the website which im heading up will be around soon,
i have the concept of it, and how i want it to look, but i have no idea as to how to turn that into code!!!!
hehe
if anyone fancies giving me a hand.... then send me a mail.

i wonder how the girly night went....

anyway, i better get ready, going bowling this pm, and work to do this evening.
sara

also worth looking at....

in some ways very accurate and explanitory of me.....
also in some ways not tho, but hey... its interesting



INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

heya, well its another thursday....

thursdays mean that if i wish to do anything i cant go home. this is ok, but for the fact that i would like to go to 7pm prayers, but tonight i also have the offer of participating in a "girly night" at joels house, which i would like to go to.... although i do have some (lots) of reasons not too.... but it means that if i go i have to go home between prayers and the start to get my stuff, which i guess is better than going home cause me and my mum are having nothing but blazing rows at the moment.
im not going to bitch tho.. its not productive.

surreal day today... the greek lecturer was falling asleep during this mornings lecture and really awake for the afternoon one. phil and i ended up quoting bill and ted, and waynes world most of the day... had a proper meal for dinner. jacket tater with cottage cheese.

ive just done the myers briggs personality thingy.. onhumanmetrics
it is a good indicator.
is it accurate of me???
please mail me and let me know!

let me know what type you are too, im interested in this kinda thing.... in case ytou dont get that from the reading.....

"Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function. INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects.
Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role."

famous people with my personality type.....

Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne, author, poet
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons, various movies)
Shirley Temple Black, child actress, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley McClain, actress (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon, actor (Highway to Heaven, Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck, actor (Magnum, P. I., Mr. Baseball)
Oprah Winfrey, talk show host
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey, folk singer (Peter, Paul and Mary)
Angela Lansbury, actress (Murder, She Wrote)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Richard Gere, actor (Pretty Woman, Sommersby)
Billy Crystal, actor, comedian
Carrie Fisher, actress (Star Wars)

this goes out to all my friends, as it comes on my mp3 now.....
that is my attitude and commitment to you all, even abbie! :P (who already knows that id go all he way to hertford or the moon if she asked me to)
not me boasting or making a show of myself, but seriously...
i will happily do this for you

"When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, oh nothing is going right,
close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there
you've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together
and call my name out loud
soon I'll be knocking upon your door
You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yes I will, to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there

Ain't it good to know
that you've got a friend
people can be so cold
they'll hurt you and desert you
well they'll take your soul if you let them
Don't you let them

You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall,
all you gotta do is call
cause I'll be there

you've got a friend"

well, i got my essay done...
1487 words plus around 25 on the pictures page... i think i met my word limit !
the essay itself, having been subjected to a check by a couple of people met with approval more than any of my others!

On the today note, i recieved my official copy of my exam results today- it doesnt give me a break down of the different exams, just the overall module mark... but i passed them all so thats a good thing, right?
at the moment im not too sure.... maybe uni really isnt the right thing for me.
i dont know.....

Also, a disaster!!!
kind of anyhow.....
my song. in my trouser pocket, as i was working on it.
my trousers. in the washing machine.
there is a possibility that my mum may ransack my pockets before putting the washer on..... however i doubt she will.....
i have the first draft in my book, so i can carry on with it.

I'm now worried about my essay. i quite liked it, and thought it was ok. the exams i felt like that for i failed.....
this is not a good omen....

i have an extension on my greek tho, which is helpful.....

i seem to be flipping between extremes of being hyperactive stupdity and silliness, huge paranoia and a general downer, and being really questioning and doubting, although elements of all three are present at all times.
however, while its not helpful for me, it is when im at my best in terms of other people, im very level headed about anything that isnt related to me, and considering of all of the options.

lyrics today....
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life."

"Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in my little bubble,"

ive given up on the greek, its proven impossible. am now starting on my essay on roman religion..... i know a fair bit so i can waffle off some nonsense and itll be okay, not brilliant, but okay....
have installed and got the greek fonts working, thats good
no mail again... theres little point in having email i think... might close the accounts which arent any use,
i HAVE NO CONCENTRATION!!! this is NOT helpful, im meant to be writing and essay for goodness sakes and all i can think about is playing my guitar, and other stuff.........
if i had a gun id shoot me right now.
im no use to anyone in my present state.
thats just fact not opinion.

maybe im just not cut out for uni,
maybe im not cut out for anyhtign thats long term comittment
im not cut out for life on this planet.
maybe i should go back to my own,
i think i might.
why did i go to uni? same reason as to why i did a levels.
same reason as i do most things.
maybe i should work out what I want...
first i need to work out who i am.

i got my guitar back. it iseems to be doing better than it was, although they couldnt find anything wrong with it.....

this is the third time ive tried to write this post. if it dont work then im getting rid of the blog. it may be a good way to keep in touch with people but i have to ask, do people really care?

i guess im full of questions right now, and most of them i cannot answer, nor can anyone else i think...

i had an interesting experience this afternoon, i had a couple of hours to waste, so jumped on the 201 cause i was on my way to meadowhell anyhow, to go to the cinema, having gotten over worral, and towards bolsterstones, you can see right across the pennines, and there was a huuuuuge rainstorm on its way in, which was quite awesome and beautiful to watch, but then as it got a bit closer, the most intense rainbow ive seen in a long time sprang up and went from one end of stocksbridge to the other- rainbows arent a big thing in sheffield, i think we still have a world record for rainbows per annum or something, but this was was completely intense, and it was quite amusing as it came down in front of the hill, and the sheep on the hill became multicoloured!

i have an assignment for greek and an essay due in tomorrow, so much is racing through my mind...dont know if i can concentrate, i can but try...

lyrics to sum me up today???

a court is in session, a verdict is in
no appeal on the docket today
just my own sin
the walls are cold and pale
the cage made of steel
screams fill the room
alone i drop and kneel
silence now the sound
my breath the only motion around
demons cluttering around
my face showing no emotion
shackled by my sentence
expecting no return
here there is no penance
my skin begins to burn
so i held my head up high
hiding hate that burns inside
which only fuels their selfish pride
we're all held captive
out from the sun
a sun that shines on only some
we the meek are all in one

im currently sat wearing my tinted glasses, because i have a scorcher of a headache, but i have an essay to write therefore need to keep going. hoping that it will help- ive not worn them in a while though so i dunno.

i wrote a song earlier. will post it up here when ive finished my essay- or tomorrow.... depends when im done

just wanted to state that im going to fight. fight for the right things tho, and not the wrong ones.
i publically state that if you see me not doing that you can slap me and go "oi, NO!!!" but seriously, if you catch me turning in on myself or being depressed etc then please point it out to me and encourage me to carry on fighting.
sara

"so ill hang on to you, cause you're stronger,
and you keep me, from falling"

a two and a half hour conversation with my darling abbie last night in which we talked about loads helped to clear the misty muddle which is my head at the moment, the result being that i feel a little better about some stuff now.
She helpfully pointed out that even though at the moment, stuff is pretty pants (well very) in the past when things have been like this, i havent been anything near as positive or willing to listen to what anyone may have to say to me in that, which is something that i would not have noticed or seen in myself, so that is encouraging- it shows that slowly i am changing and getting better at stuff, although i would like to apologise to everyone who came into contact with me on wednesday at all. i admit that i let everything get to me and took a few steps backwards and was probably pretty irritating, and noone proabably knew quite what to do, but in my defense, its something that ive never let other people (other than one or two) see- all i could do was to be there, and even that was a constant struggle, but i apologise for any awkwardness or anything that i caused.
im not out of the other side yet, but im working on it. having taken some stuff out on my pillow (and the local wood) im now going to concentrate on constructive methods of keeping afloat. i require patience, friendship and nothing else to go wrong!!!

several things have encouraged me over the last couple of days.
Thank you to the following:

Abbie- for the approximate 200minutes on the phone over the last couple of days, for making me smile, for being you. :)
Joel- for the texts, the love and the hugs! :)
Dr Mark, for your prayers, and concern, thank you,
Jo, for being a star!!!!
Ruth, for putting up with me, for the challenges you bring..... i appreciate them (if not at the time!)
Hendryx, for the friendship and care.

today was sunny- to the point where i had to sit on the traffic jammed 53 with loads of blades (who were subdued but well happy- i wondered if theyd lost- i had to ring my dad to ask!!!) and not be blinded by the sun.

Stomp was also well cool today- there was myself jo and Joel, as well as some other 'new' team so we had a joint stomp/dynamites and i thought it went well. Then afterwards, we arranged a social whilst playing football/volleyball . The kids were really well behaved and it was brill to watch them as we did one of the creative prayer activities...
I'm supposed to be doing an essay on ecenomics, climate, and social structure of israel as displayed in a passage in amos..... its soooooo not enticing!!!! im gonna do it when i get home from church i think, which is a little last minute, but i will do it then....
the question is, do i walk down with people or go myself.
however, my lunch is almost ready.... if the ground was a bit drier, it'd be perfect weather to walk in the peaks.....

hopefully ill continue to feel better, and my resulution and attitude is that with which i began, and with that same sentiment i will finish.

"so ill hang on to you, cause you're stronger,
and you keep me, from falling"

today became a very random day,
the outcome of which being basically being able to sense some light at the end of the tunnel. not much to say.
am now going to get myself some carte d'or and go and lounge on my bed and ring my darling abbie, who's back.
twas nice to see a couple of people today who i didnt expect to
also got the foo fighters album to listen to as ive borrowed it.

song list will change next time i have some time.... got an essay to do tho, and a personal report thing,
so till then.
bye

ive just got back from a trundle round on the buses, didnt do uni today.
did the 201 (sheffield to meadowhall via crookes, walkley, hillsborough, worall, oughtibridge, midhopestones, deepcar, stocksbrige, stocksbridge bypass, tankersley, chapeltown, firth park, and wincobank.) It takes about 2hours, and goes right through some nice
countryside. its how i commune with myself, sit on a bus going through the countryside with the rain beating down and covering the windows so everythign is blurry and thinking. Got to meadowhell, called in GT and then jumped on a 59 (sheffield outer circular, does the number 2 almost) which takes me back home, where i get to heat myself a frozen lasagne.

My state of mind at the moment is reflected in two songs.
Linkin Park- 'Crawling', and Megadeth - 'Disconnect'.


Megadeth- 'Disconnect'

"Behind closed doors all you live for is taking
That double life of yours has left your whole world shaking
Who are you fooling? I know you hear the laughter
Don't you hear people talking? What is it that your after?

Turn off your conscience
Leave the world outside
Nothing at all can ever make you feel
That anything's so real so you just - Disconnect

The key to save yourself if for nothing else
A tongue can never hold the truth of silence is golden
With a broken heart underneath all of the pain
Do you stroke the pretty scars? The hurt never ends

Turn off your conscience
Leave the world outside
Nothing at all can ever make you feel
That anything's so real so you just - Disconnect"


This song has a solo that would be prety much my expression of how im feeling musically, theres an amazing pitch bend which sounds just like a scream, and then a frenzied descending power chord outburst with a final capitulation into silence.

Beautiful.

Linkin park- 'crawling'


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced
there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real


Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced
there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

not too much else to say really. 53s arent coming down so my transport is limited if i go out later cause the bottom of lowedges rd is closed off.
wonder if theres any news as to who's supporting bon jovi in june yet...?

you know the questions you have that sometimes run around your head, and there are no answers to them....
id saved up a load of them from last night, and was gonna put them up, but ive forgotten half of them.

yesterday saw the 4th murder in as many years on my estate.
this time a man was stabbed seven times on the end of the road just befre the dual carriageway. Its arrived early this year, usually it happens in the autumn. I may sound nonchalant about it, but its a way of life. People get beaten up and followed, and chased, and robbed most weeks, every so often theres a murder.

Thats how it is.

Its not random. Theres a very intricate system of gang warfare. from experience i know this. The trouble is that these gangs are now 13-15 year olds, led by people from my school year and the one above and below. it makes me wonder as to whether or not id be involved in it if things had happened differently. On refelection i dont think i would, but i wouldnt be here.
One of these days they will find me. Maybe i should stop hiding...

ive got my theme song....
at the moment, it is.... "the great pretender"
not exactly describing me, but the sentiment is there.

here are the lyrics:

Oh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending I'm doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Adrift in a world of my own (ooh ooh)
I play the game but to my real shame
You've left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Ooh Ooh yes I'm the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what I'm not (you see)
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Yeah ooh hoo
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're
Pretending that you're still around


i could write a load of stuff. im not going to however.
im debating giving up the whole concept, along with a lot of other things.
it wouldnt make any difference anyhow.

new section in page..... if i can recall how to do it...

i am sooooooooooooooo not good.
yesterday was almost an episode of me not wrapped.
i need to do some work, and i cant. i cant concentrate. i havent felt like this in a long time.

im currently sat on floor 12 of the arts tower, staring out of the window. its a lovely day, and im watching all of the people go by.
had a meeting with my personal tutor today too.

i learned i no longer have the ability to do exams- got my exam results back. i fdailed two of them. just managed to pass overall on lating, cause i had good coursework, and the resources coursework was good too.

her comment was "you seem to be doing better in situations where you have control " [ie coursework]
i have no control. everythign is falling apart at the seams and im the next thing on the list.

well. today was worse than yesterday.
words cannot express what is going on, or how im feeling. if i /could/ express it, i imagine it would be a huge bloodcurdling scream more intense than any other sound i have ever made. howeer there is little chance of that happening. most of the time, i find it amazingly hard to talk, let alone express any other form of emotion, and in order to do that i have to fight myself against fighting myswelf.... eugh so unclear... even writing, i am unable to come anywhere close...

i ve tried to begin to explain things twice this evening, and both times i have failed. that makes me feel usless.
however i am unable to just let go as much as i want to let go, to cry out, to scream in pain, to shout, to weep the same thing stops me. i feel as if im unable to say anything, and depending on the situation, to move, to react, to do anyhting,

help.

well, im feeling a lil better today than yesterday. m quite pale, which is unusual for me, but im not too worried.

i saw chris this afternoon, which was really really cool. i havent seen him for a while, and i felt really bad, cause less than 2 mins into the convo, i was getting on his case about his life, adn what he's doing, ie. too much! however, he is planning to slow down, which is nice cause it may mean i get to see him once in a while.
also got back to recieve a mail from lee, which was cool- nice to hear that hes getting on well

in myself im feeling very low, and not in a very nice place. this is not nice. all i can do is keep going i guess.

small group tonight, i dont want to go. i just want to sit and hide myself away, but i should go, and if i really cant hack it then ill go home.
no big.

im gonna go and play playstation now.... cant concentrate on any work.

hmmmm... as suspected.
i have to go back to the hospital. i have to go and see a specialist and have a colonoscopy. this is NOT a good thing.
having been examined by the doctor, one of two things have been rules out but they need to find out what it is...

i looked up the procedure earlier, and its done through outpatients, i get sedated, and then it happens and they look round.
i am terrified to be honest.
ive seen what they use for it, and because i did a level physics, i learnt about the whole thing in detail, which just makes it worse.

this will get don ein the next couple of weeks, and i get the joys of drinking caster oil and the such in preperation.
how fun...
but if it will sort it out then what the hey.

im not going to go into uni tomorrow.
this was meant to be my day off and i didnt get done what id got planned so im going to go and do that tomorrow.
then small group.

what a turn of events. didnt see this coming.

am tempted to think its a punishment, but holding on to the truth, barely, but am doing it now...

well, i couldnt get an appointment cause the receptionists are, to quote my dad, "rottweilers" so went to the nhs walk in centre who booked in an emergency appointment for this afternoon, which is really annoying me, so ive had to come back home to go back to the doctors, who will refer me back to the hospital, so im probably going to end up in and out this week, cause this is serious enough to warrant that.
i have to admit, im quite scared, and i feel really bad cause abbie is terrified now, i told her and she rang me and demanded to know everything, and shes more pissed off about it than i am i think!

anyhow better go back to the doctors and sort it out.

will keep it posted, but the next stages dont sound good!

eugh. did i sleep last night or not?? i dont know.
it feels like i havent but i kinda must have done cause i didnt see it get light.
i need to go to the doctor asap.
im quite worried that something serious is wrong now. im not going to go into it cause i diont think anyone would appreciate it.

all i want to do today is curl up and stay on my bed, and not have to face the world or anyone or anything. but i said id do a rehearsal this afternoon for one cause i cant do it saturday cause of the kids training day, and we didnt do one last saturday. were going to try another recording method. usually this would excite me, but i dont care.
ive got work i need to do for tomorrow tho, so do have a legit excuse to not stay amazingly lte- not that my wrists can hack that anyway..... but i do need to watch this video and make notes and make a mini essay from it.
my last day of drinkig tea today- im going to have to give up coffee too i think because i reckon ill just substitute, and coffee sends me loopy, so hot chocolate here i come i think!

im a goldfish.
just because.

im feeling very pants.
i could reel through a big list of everything i think at the moment, but that wouldnt be conducive or productive. am going to restrain myself.
am fighting going into hiding. it is the thing im most likely to do, and the least helpful. have been really challenged by one or two things today.
am i really shallow? i think i might be....
i was having a conversation with hendryx earlier this evening, and we were discussing people, and layers/mystique. at the moment, i have no layers, and i think that you can all see right through me (how paranoid eh?) and i really am that shallow.
on another side theough, i really dont know what i think. another side doesnt even want to think, and yet another side constantly thinks. ive lost sight basically.
i feel as if i have no faith, im doubting everything, theres no point anyway. i dont know if i have the determination to get through. at the moment i dont know if i even care.

wow, im probably depressing everyone who reads this.
ill shut my trap.
ignore me. i do.

hey all. im in uni at the moment, wasting time between my 9am and 12 o clock....
why waste time? i have no work to do.... plus not having been at home last night meant that i couldnt bring the usual bumph down with me...however im enjoying the chance to catch up on my email etc, cause iove not had the internet all weekend, due to havig to find a new ISP at my parents house, so i signed them up to tesco.net and now they're quite happy i believe, but it did mean i didnt get to post here, or check mail. however now im about back up to date, which is cool.

i went to see the man in sound control about mending my guitar, and he thinks that it wont be amazingly expensive and that it wont take more than a couple of days!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a good thing indeed.

also, i have a house for next year, which is well cool. its on lydgate lane, so not far from.... erm anywhere i need to be really... details to be finalised as yet but, that'll be cool.

we also think we've found a way of recording which might be decent ish.... whbich means we dont have to spend endless cash we dont have on hiring a recording studio- laverly!!!

lots of ittle bits on this post, but that is how my brain is working at the moment. im gonna go get a decent brunch from union and then go to roman world....
also gonna find out about getting a cheap travelmaster, and go exploring a bit in the next month- the weather is getting nice- might go to castleton on weds.

bye for now.
god bless
sara- signing off.

okay. ive decided to just live with my wrists. yes they hurt, constantly, but there is nothing that i can do about it, and moving them doesnt seem to majorly aggravating them and i dont want to seem as if im constantly whinging so last moan about them is now done.

i didnt go in to my 9am this morning. mainly cause i was just tired, partly cause i felt pants and figured an extra hour or two in bed might help. I think that it did so im feeling vaguely justified in that. Then after goign to philadelphia, planning to go straight home to bed, the offer of going to tea proved too tempting, cause i forgot to get lunch in the daze which was until 2pm, so went to the xpool tavern, and had roast turkey and parsnips and yorkshire pud. mmmmm high;y recommended if youre ever around, and if you go on a lunchtime its 3.49 and a large choice of veg, potatoes etc. from then, we went to the cinema and saw final destination2- which was quite good, if you cast aside a few things, and live with a couple of assumptions, but if youre quite empathic, like me, then one or two moments will make you squirm, but it does make oyu think about how much you affect other people, just by coming into contact with them, by existing...
tomorrow, im going to the worship skills day and then gonna have another shot at recording some songs (voice providing) and then sunday, got dynamites/stomp joint worship extravaganza. aftewr that by the way things are going this week, ill be tucked up in bed with my hot chocolate for 4pm, and sleeeeeeeep. hehe, which is what im goign to do now, cause i need to leave the house at quarter to eight,
night