got rid of the icky virus on this pc... going out in a min or two but just thought id post up a cople of photos.

first one is me in the bowling alley in torrevieja.


second one is me at the house where i was living,


- have got all these on CD as they were taken my my grandparents with the digital camera. have yet to know what mine will turn out like... need to finish the film off and get it developed. thats about all there is with me on though. i hate pictures being taken...

anyhow. like i said. anyone fancies doing something this evening give me a bell. might even save some sangria!

im back... just fixing my dads pc for him (whats new) and then off to meet jack to drink some sangria :D (and catch up)

i am free this evening however, if anyone fancies doing something....

i want to!
tomorrow i move again.... with jacks help we will be moving stuff from my parents to walkley. micks car has no brakes at the moment... so that avenue can no longer be travelled. may be able to get it shifted in a van at the weekend though. heres hoping for that. in the meantime. my unpacked suitcase, some bedding and my playstation will suffice. the stuff of mine at jacks is gonig to be moved on friday morning by his dad (who will have driven up from peterborough way to collect jack, in order for rosie moving in at the weekend. anyone wanting my new address please drop me a mail.

thats all for now... just on while i send 2 emails and ensure things are okay everywhere else, before going to get my overdraft sorted at the bank and possibly pegging it down to weymouth as soon as i can.

if i get time im gonna put up a couple of the digiphotos taken in spain by my grandparents. no laughing please......

quick update - am in spain, got here ok... had an okay week. next week will invilve somemore interestng things, like climbing one of the highest mountains in spain, and visiting the deepest cave system in there. my grandparents also suggested i go paragliding? (the thing where you are attatched to a parachute on a boat and fly...)but a) i dont have enough money and b) id rather go kite surfing. saw both while i was in benidorm for the afternoon on wednesday.
dont really have much to say except i miss everyone and in some ways i wish i was back home now.

when i get back i have a day off and then i move. anyone want to help? ;)

hope you´re all okay- id love an email or two. im in the middle of nowhere so a bit on my own (with only really old people around)... feeling a little desolate as those 9 people who between them will recieve a share of 56 pages of writing will see!

i dont want to go.

but im going.

i hope ive got everythign.
ill miss you all immensly, and i cant wait to be back.

Keep in touch while im gone please - by text or email (or if i gave yu the address, letter)

ill be writing to some and emailing others, and i may even get a post or two in if i end up in alcante or valencia....

take care....

i wanted to say so much more than this.

right now i want to cry its a long explanation.

if anyone reads this tonight or tomorrow morning, spare me a thought, and drop me a line- i will be glad to hear from you.

All my love,

sara

in case you werent aware, im on a mission to write 7500 words before 8.30 am...

if i manage it ill let you knwo

exam update 2.

the end.

the exam this morning was greeat. really enjoyed it.

6000 words to write now.


see you in july?

in case anyone is interested in what i actually do in these essays...... click here

exam update.
[just in case anyone is worrying about me.]

this mornings exam was on 'The Bible and the literary Imagination'

answer 4 questions in 3 hours - equally weighted answers, whole thing worth half the module. one question MUST be answered from each section so....

here were the questions i answered:

1) Define TWO of the literary critical terms below and discuss how the use of each affects the reading of the bilical text. Illustrate your answers with examples from biblical texts

- redaction
- narratology
- semiotics
- characterisation

i chose redaction and characterisation seeing as i couldnt for the life of me remember an accurate description of the other two. did okay ish oin this question i think... had a wicked answer for the redaction part as last nights essay was pretty much that... characterisation i screwed up on slightly.. forgot to include aristotles theory of vice and virtue and the whole character definitions... but not fussed.

5. assess the character of Yahweh/the Lord in Job [various passages to be treated as one narrative]

basically the passages given gave a contradictorary view of God and i needed to explain it...

7. Assess the character of samson in Judges 13.2-16.31 Substantiate your answer with textual references.

did fairly well on this one i think... lots of examples used.

8. Provide a critical reading of Daniel 6 with particular focus on plot and irony.

this answer was short but concise. Got the double irony at the end, and a good summary of the plot so am hopeful.

all in all the exam wasnt too unpleasant.

am also feeling vaguely more confident about tomorrows exam, found all the notes i needed to revise.


so yeah... after the exam, as i said i would i headed to FOB for recaffienation, and the ultimate post-trauma thing of a slice of their death by chocolate. This is an interesting thing to consider as while i rock at making chocolate cake i dont actually like it very much. Also had a pot of assam tea, which has perked me up no end as i let it brew for around half an hour while i sorted my notes out.... :) almost fell asleep twice in the exam which wasnt so good... hehe - felt myself losing consciousness as i started to plan one of my answers... possibly more due to the heat than anything come to think of it.

have got 40 words left on an essay to do- if id known that was all then i would have so just done it last night... oh well.. need to add all the footnotes and format it as well... then i need to get the second one done, and hopefully find the books on Ugarit to do the archaeology essay tonight. 3000 words and for this i wont have to do much referencing - its more a bibliography job so it should take me around 4 hours start to finish.

must get some coffee int he mornign though.
then two essays to go. so far im on target to finish them for thursday and today ive managed to get into the room at uni which does have some form of air conditioning so i shouldnt be too bad with the heat..

tomorrow the weather should be better, and if the promised storms arrive im spending a bit of time on top of a hill :D

anyhow. will get on with the work now.
sara

um.... i screwed up this template.... hoping that ive got what i designed on my HDD at home so it can go back....

will hopefully restore it soon

in continuatuion to my previous post. [and a bit more because i need a break!]

i dont know whats going to happen. i spent this mornings alloted time for essay research writing a report on last wednesday to give to the "big boss" (whom im still to have my interview to be made permanant with.... )and getting that to mel and steve who also have to write out reports. i feel really bad for causeing lots of paperwork for them, but im actually not that worried, maybe its because right now i have more pressing issues like failing my exam tomorrow :D im not worried about that though either... am quite annoyed that uni have blocked IRC and Trillian off - theyd only blocked MSN previously... looks like all communication ports are down which is a shame, and is SO why a net interface program compatible wiht MSN should be developed.... but who am i to talk?

anyhow, basically im just waiting to hear what is going on wiht work, and im beginning to realise that there is nothing i can do to change the outcome so im just gonna get on with things- if i get the sack then fair enough... i'll look for a new job when i get back from spain... if i dont then fair enough nothing will have been lost.
as for what kind of job? i dont mind... adminy stuff would be okay.... my requirement is that its bringing me in around 100 quid a month - which works out at around 8 hours a week.


this afternoon ive been doing essay research. got the research for both the diachronic and synchronic analyses of Exodus done, and the essays are both below 2000 words so should get them both done tonight.
am hoping its the archaeology exam, thouigh if its not i wont be too worried, as the essays tonight will help with the prep for tomorrow.
will post up my essays on this address if anyone wants to check them for me....
im currently sat in the pc room at uni in the main library - it is *so* hot - theres no air conditioning in here....
yes its the archaeology exam im not going to do too well in. i packed my questions sheet which was stupid cause it told me which case studies i needed to learn oin detail, and no way can i learn them all- hence the exam is seen... still come the retake ill be on for a first :)
if i can do well on the essay though i might even scrape it- and the essay shouldnt be too bad - just need to write it =- all about the discoveries at Ugarit, and their relavance to Ancient Israel. Was going to write that todayt, but then realised my notes might be useful as well and i left them at home...

so yeah, if i can get the 2 exodus essays done today, and then my exam tomorrow morning til 12, then work from 2- whenever the archaeology essay is done, then wednesday's exam til 12, work from 2- the lib theology one is done that i think is all my essays done...

thursday morning i can pack, thursday afternoon set up stompovision, thursday evening Stompovision

friday im provisionally working... we'll see there though and then from 4.30 im a free agent.


if anyone fancies meeting me for coffee in town at lunchtimeish tuesday or wednesday you'd be most welcome to... will be a nice break between works - my exam is on west st tomorrow i think and then in the union on wednesday so ill be heading into town for lunch anyhow.

anyhoo.., i spose i'd best get on wiht these... specially seeing as i photocopied books and everything.

heh - oh yeah- the amusing thing today is how studious i look... for the first time ever i think i look 'bookish'...

hair tied back, carrying armfuls of books, and im wearing my glasses cause my eyes were playing up earlier - this screen doesnt help with that incidentally - its TFT but somethings wrong wiht it- it doesnt like scrolling.

still... if i get this done for 8pm i can go home and sleep tonight - if im still here at nine thirty then ill be nabbing a floor or just working throuhg the night and see if i can do another essay as well and then arrive tomorrow.

there'll probably be a couple of other posts today, but not on here.

just wanted to update the bomb slightly.


sara

i know i said i wouldnt be posting here but....


i might be getting sacked.
ack.

not impressed- i can see me being made a scapegoat of, but if that happens then im sorry but im taking them down with me.

Basically i was given a child to look after that i wasnt qualified [or really experienced] to look after and now his mum has complained that he was doing stuff he shouldnt have been. So i don't know where i stand with it. on the one hand it was my responsibility, and on the other hand it shouldnt have been my responsibility at all and work should have gotten someone in who WAS fully qualified and experienced to do it rather than someone who felt completely unprepared having not done Special Needs in a long time.


am totally gutted and i dont know what to do.


will keep you posted.

maybe i should establish what i mean by that.

im going to go to my LJ on friends only for a while for most of my posts. several reasons for this,
if you have an LJ account then feel free to add me [tawtami] to your friends list, and ill add you back.
if not but you still want to read along, ive created a username and password for such a circumstance.

contact me for these.

until i return......
adieu from this blog,

see you on the uberblog or LJ

im thinking im just going to go on a hiatus.

i think im just being annoying now.
i think im not doing anyone any good
i think im drivng people to distraction.

maybe im just being paranoid.

i leave you with a poem: its the second set of lyrics i wrote on thursday but its unlikely that ill ever write a song again at the moment, so rather than throw them it can be a poem.

'questions on life:'

An unopened letter lays on the floor begging to be read
But im late again and as i rush out of the door i sense the rising dread.
The bus is late and my hairs a mess- I've forgotten my breakfast again
As i fall to the floor my worlds collide - can i start over again?

What makes the bad days so bad?
what makes the sky so blue?
what makes the world keep turning?
what makes a friend be drawn to you?

I head to a place where im hailed as 'friend' with the offer of tea and a sofa
We sit and i laugh my worries away once more feeling ready to discover
I sit on the rocks to peruse while the sun sets a violent shade of red
A reply to a text to a friend makes me smile as i think of them smiling at what they just read.

what makes the little things so big?
what makes a smile infectious?
what makes the hard times worth the fight?
what makes a friendship so healing?

S. L. Smith 04-06-04

you agree with these??????

Which internet subculture do I belong to? [CLICK] You are a Conspiracy Theorist! Holy cow! You actually did an online quiz? Little did you realise that the information you gave us is being sent to an unknown government agency for evil use against you! Don't try to leave, we are already watching. More Quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

S	Strange
A	Accurate
R	Rich
A	Adventurous
L	Loving
O	Overwhelming
U	Useful
I	Industrious
S	Slow
E	Edgy
S	Special
M	Meek
I	Insane
T	Tough
H	Humorous

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okay... so the things ive come up with/realised...

in no particular order.

1.
it seems that so many people are falling apart around me, and i am powerless to do anything.... and for me, that is one of the worst things i can experience.
my nature is empathic and when this happens, all i can do is feel what my friends are going through but knowing i cannot do anything hurts.
in the midst of the sorrow, the pain, the confusion, the despair, the hypocrisy, the doubt, the fear, all i can do is love. but im not sure that is enough.

- SLS - 29/04/04

I wrote this a while ago. slight revelation here is that i probably can do something more to help. I seem to cause a lot of these feelings for people... and if i am the source i can prevent them.


2.
the last 6 weeks have seen me trying to live having removed/moved out of some of the armour/my shell/defense mechanisms (dependant on how i phrase it at the time) and i realised i can't.
several reasons for this, but a big one is that whenever i try to do this, there is always someone/more than one someone telling me that this is what i need to do and i need to stick with it etc etc, and that this time is different - there are people around who will stick around no matter what. And then that illusion is shattered, often by the people who give me such advice as they end up either really hurting me or disproving their statement. As a result of this, a whole other thing comes into play, and i think im starting to get my head around what it is. i know now that i don't like it... the result of it is jeapordising friendships and hurting people i care about, hence it goes back to the previous point a little but now im faced with another choice:
To keep going forwards, risking everything, and everyone, or to return to something which is known and works.

3. im getting to be predictable in my old age.... or maybe just understood. thats just a surprise... no in depth comment there.

the final observation kind of fits with all of the above.

Recently more than once i have been given the choice of walking away, or telling someone else to walk away. Im not sure that anyone will ever know just how torn i was to make that decision.
On the one hand of course i dont want to walk away, and i dont want anyone else to walk away...it would destroy me. I place a very high value on friendship- sometimes i even wonder if it's too high- and ironically i get the feeling that this ends uip scaring people away.
On the other hand though i wonder if it would be easier to say yes, and walk away. I have an idea what id be walking away from, and i don't want to, but that way the only person i would hurt would be myself.

the thing i think im realising though is that i wouldn't just be hurting myself. so now its a question of which will be the least painful for others.

At the moment i know that im hurting and i know how i feel when other people i care about are hurting, and i dont like the idea or the possibilty that actually someone might be in the same position when they look at me, and i think that this is one reason why i fight so hard against myself and all my instincts to push people away - that way they wont see what im feeling. the irony is of course, that doing that then hurts that person anyway, and i just feel like crap for doing it, and that it helps nothing.
i should have learned by now that there is no way im going to do this life thing by myself (and im told that i shouldnt have to) but i hate the idea of other people being involved in somethign that might not be nothing but good for them.

One reason i dont cry ever, is last time i did, when i had just turned 14, - i'd just recieved a 'beating for life' (ie one that has left me with a scar or permanant damage) and obviously i wasnt too happy about this. Abbie had come to find me as someone had told her what had happened, and i don't know what she saw when she looked at my face, and honestly im not sure i want to, as whatever it was hurt her so much and i resolved never to put anyone in that position ever again.

i dont know if this makes any sense or if any of my ideas are anywhere on the right track.. but im hoping that it might explain a few things.

right... well

this weekend turned out not how i was expecting it to in some whays. things i thought would be happening didnt, and others did.
Im not saying that this is a bad thing....

not gonna say too much on it though... a couple of things happened that i coped wiht a little better than i thought i would... and a couple of things that dealt with worse. but thats life.

realised a few things this weekend too... will post them in a bit... but before then, seeing as there was NO RESPONSE whatsoever to my requests for something to do/people to do something with this coming friday... there will be nothing happening.

id say if you want to come and see me off then feel free, but seeing as ill be going in the early hours i dont see that happening.

So, i will be arriving at the transport interchange at around 7pm probably, and will spend the 6/7 hours leading to my departure in there - unless anyone has a better idea, in whic case email me...

essay front is going fairly well...
need a pick me up at the moment... may go make a cup of tea soon...

big huge thank you to the guys at lydgate court for letting me use their sofa and their pc and their broadband.. and just for generally being great....

tomorrow will see an exciting post from me... managed to not tell people [well unless you're lucky and privaliged ] and once its finalised then you can all know...
anyhow... id best get on wiht it i spose.

ok, someone has trailed through my archives.... and looking at the IP address its my parents....
in which case, im not sure why you feel you need to.... but that really unnerves me as i can see the result of it.....

ack... so a potential warning is that i may end up heading to livejournal and going friends only in which case ill send all regular readers the password to access it, cause to be fair there is a reason i dont talk that much....

yey! just finished my self-assesment... worth 10% of the module....
want to get the liberation theology one done tomorrow and then the other two exodus ones on sunday.

that then leaves the lit essay and the archaeology essay.

i *think* thats all i have to do... so that plus revise for 2 exams.... its doable i think...

write one of them monday morning, revise for tuesdays arse of an exam in the afternoon and evening, and revise the other exam tuesday evening... write the third essay thursday morning, hand them in thursday before stomp. work on friday - hopefully do something friday evening though no takers so far... and then off to spain...

as long as i dont get ill at all ill be okay, oh and im having tomorrow off after doing some research....

just updated my template and changed the music round... ive cut the numbers of songs down, and the albums has had a revamp... when the site is up and running, ill probably start doing reviews and stuff while i have the time to over the summer...

anyhow i need to pack my bag... toothbrush required and a spare top, also gonna make me a new MP3 CD for my player...
also need to tot up my hours worked for last month...

19+ i think 5 from april that werent added to my timesheet= 24...
so £108 quid roughly...

for june ill be getting 14 hours so 63 quid at least [not sure what rate i get paid for wednesday]


anyhow... just burning this disk.... hopefully ill be able to spend thursday day time formatting my HDD and stuff and backing up and we'll be away!
think ivce got everything... gonna play some guitar whilst its burning...
woot... have perfected 'if's buts and maybes'

okay, id just like to say that my PC is an arse.

it refuses to find the drivers, even though they *are* the right ones.... so im having to be really really slow with any kind of transferrence till i network these guys up....

as it is therefore, im having to write this essay on openoffice... which is proving interesting... im not used to it, but for what i need to do its working okay. im nearly done with my self assessment.... 1000+ words reflecting on the last year... pretty much whatever i want basically, so will post it onto the blog i set up for my uni essays and would appreciate someone[s] to read it through and constructively criticise. will post the addy when its up there.... i know it doesnt have the proper formatting like that, but its grammar and sense checking more than anything.

lunch is going to be a potato and pea sandwich :)

sara

mindless procrastination:

i finally set up my new blog.
been planning to do it for a while.

oceanic reflections

this is the only "plug" that i am going to make for it, as its purpose is to be what this blog was meant to be [and still is in a way].

for all the really hard stuff and deep/oceanic thoughts... go look there if you want to.

just had hendryx ring me to get jacks number.
two minutes later i had jack ring me to ask where hendryx was....

weird. anyhow. spose id best finish this essay off then head to the back to withdraw copious amounts of cash.... and see if hendryx is back home and if not find somethign to do for a few hours before heading to jacks for around 10pm to steal his sofa for the night...

ok, so here is the deal. im going to be blunt.

even though anyone that has known me since my 19th birthday or before has blatantly heard e say that i will never organise a party or social gathering of any sort again that isnt related to some kind of work or team, BUT i still feel the need to prove that im not a total social deviant and misfit, and i want to get it out of the way before i hit 21 so i can just ignore that small fact.

So, in honour of my departure from this green and pleasant land....

i would like to invite anyone who would wish to, [people that know me in person, through this page, or you've wandered here but know someone who does know me (i wont handle total nutcases very well ;-)] to a gathering which will take place ideally next friday evening at a time and place to be decided by the interested parties, though if no-one can make friday im willing to go with thursday after STOMP...

what takes place is really up to you - the only limitation is that it cannot be at my parents house, [unless there are only a small number of people...] but that isnt a limitation really... - i want to do something before i go even if it ends up being three people sat on the bole hills watching the sunset before i head off for my coach [which leaves at 0145 if you were wondering, so ill get the last bus into town from wherever and have an hour and a half to kill]... im working till 4.30 next friday so once i hit then im free....


tomorrow ill post up my itinerary for travel so you guys will be able to see whats going on...

nayhow, must go finish this essay.

whereis the coffee..... ? =D



anyone interested? anyone any ideas? if so then in the comments box or mail me...

ack.. i had planned to be up at 6this mornign, but that didnt happen. nuff said.

was unable to get my pc on the net last night, but i did defrag it... im seriously runnign out of space,so sunday im gonna network it up and do some serious backing up/transferrence on to dvd. today i need to go talk nicely to my banks... im going to go and see hendryx and eventually end up at Jacks, whereim going to be staying the night in order to do some business tomorrow. after its done ill tell everyone, but until then only the people involved and a chosen few know. might head cinemawards at some point in the middle of all of this and work.. maybe saturday at lunchtimeish... maybe thisevening.. i dunno.. we'll see how i do on the work front i guess...

speakign of work, how would some lucky person like to read through an essay or two for me when ive finished them to make sure that i make vague sense and that my grammar and punctuation are correct [keep losing marks for it]? please apply int he comments box ;-)


and by doing that in order to lessen the false hope created by asking another question necessetating a reply in the comments box....ill make a whole seperate post.

scuse my spelling today its atrocious.

sara

ok, a bit of a pondery post, cause its that time of the evening and im in the mood to ponder.

I have my PC set up so i can type whilst in bed... that is so cool, except at the moment im on the other pc in this room downloading the drivers for the modem for *my* pc so i can access the net with it. the best thing about this is that because of how i work in terms of work... i can just work till i fall asleep.. anyhow, so thats what im doing at the moment, and ill sum up the day before moving onto the intersting stuff...

as aforementioned, today saw round 2 of the gaming war between myself and Richard and myself. As i predicted, i was beaten overall, but i think i put up an okay fight, and pulled out some surprising things... had a couple of surprising moments of brilliance, like tipping the coach over the cliff, oh yeah....

the next round will take place upon my return from spain so will keep you posted [scuse the pun] there...

this evening saw the stomp social which consisted of games and fun... the giant jenga became quite amusing, with 'Jenga Doubles' and 'Jenga Risk' being introduced... also the 'who can hurdle the highest jenga pile?' game... i managed to stand on a drawing pin and proper get it stuck in my foot, which has left me wiht a nice bruise on my heel, but it will be okay... and we rounded off with a couple of games of 'mafia'. managed to make it home before dark, by being smart and walking to neepsend lane from church to get the 53 back to the end of lowedges. i feel slightly more confident walking that way than if id have caught the 75... still terrified to be honest, but not too long until its done and im off to spain.

2 questions have been running round my head today... [there are more but ill just go with the 2]

the first is 'am i too harsh?' am looking at several situations here... the one thats springing out is my sister. i know that i tend to get a little frustrated that there are double standards at work there, one for me and one for her, but i think thats probably a standard thing, and i cant imagine it being any different so its a moot point really.. but yeah. I do try my hardest to be nice, and poilite and stuff, but its hard... today she was actualyl beign quite good [after a wobbly at 10.30am cause i asked her to move something of hers] and i still think that maybe i am harsh... and if on her, am i too harsh on others, i tend to be mega positive when it comes to other people.. but ive still been wondering. I know that some people would possibly agree that i can be too harsh on myself... but im working on that... just needs time there...

the second is something im going to leave to another night i think, as i need to sort out my PC , and i think im gonna go straight to sleep after that and have an early start and put in a good 4 hours before heading off to uni to do some research, and then im going to go on a quest to see how long i can stay out of my house for.

things here are kinda bearable. given the choice i wouldnt be here cause it isnt doing me any good. all that ever seems to happen is that im shouted at or constantly put down, which i will get used to in a few weeks, but im obviously not here that long... so its proving interesting. i also dont like not having a space i can call my own. My dad woud argue here that ive taken over his room... im sleeping in here, and in the evenings doing my work.. at the end of the day... if its really pissing him off that much all he has to do is say and ill be gone. i done it before and ill do it again.

i just seem to be getting under peoples feet. i dont like all the shouting or the insults. i feel uneasy enough as it is being back around here, and having to walk around the estates without having to come back to constant arguing and shouting... i have to wonder how many of them are because of me.

ironically im listening to the track 'it's only forever' from the Labyrinth sountrack at the moment.... strange sense of foreboding there...

anyhoo, this download is almost done, so ill shut up rambling on, cause doing this i think makes it hard for people to talk back... for which i apologise, though thanks to the LJ people who are commenting.. will try and keep the two synchronous in future...

this post is purposely trivial.

work was actualyl really good.
I was, as i had wondered might be the case, looking after Josh.
Josh has Kabuki syndromewhich is frankly not a nice thing to have. As a result he spends a lot of time in a wheelchair, as his bones break very easily, and he dislocates very easily, and is generally quite fragile.

The regular staff expected problems, as Josh has had the same person look after him for the whole duration of his time at PARK, and cause Joe is donig his A levels, I was covering, but there were doubts as to whether this would be acceptable to Josh.
As it was, everyone said that they'd never seen him so happy, and sociable and up for stuff. He did really well, and today he was even out of his wheelchair and walking around with a pot on one leg and a caliper on the other, playing hide and seek with me for hours... we went to the park and rolled down hills [and i got very dizzy and a really bad hay fever attack as i was rolling through the grass i am most allergic to] but overall he had fun. Everyone was really impressed, but i can't take any credit for it, cause i didnt do anything!!! all i did was treat him the same as i would treat any child im looking after, with respect, without patronising, and no special attention.

Anyhow.. to cut the story short, the day basically ended with me being called into the office, and Steve [my immediate boss] turned round and said basically that Mel could make better use of me than Steve can [ie being static with fixed hours than varying hours and travelling around] but basically that everyone was really impressed, and that he's going to recommend me to be taken on as a SNIPworker [Special Needs In Playcare, i think], which means i kids i work with will change, and i might only have three different kids full stop, and never more than one at once, but ill be working with them, and their families, and the pay rate is something stupid liek £8 and hour flat rate, which when the majority of my work would be school holidays i could be earning 240 quid in a week, which would be awesome, and would mean id only have to work on holidays... as for whether it will go anywhere or not i don't know, and i don't mind- i enjoy my job as it is currently, even if timewise its a bit of a nightmare logistically on a thursday, and if it changed i would enjoy that too... so that was really cool.

Tomorrow sees ROUND 2 of the what i fear/hope will be an ongoing battle of the games! - for the itinery see Richards latest post. one thing i couldnt fit on the comments was that its interesting to note that the numbers mattered when he won, but when i won it was just 'lots-1' the fact that teken was a narrow victory as well kinda shows up somethign.

The other amusing thing from today is this:

As i was heading up to Jack's with Hendryx and Jack, my mum texted me saying "you know how you brought food home... can i steal it?" to which i said, "yes, but what will i eat??" - as it was we were fed by T.K.
well upon my entrance through the front door at 10.23pm my 14 year old sister charges down the stairs and runs in telling me to sit down cause im going to pee myself... i wasnt wit it really...

my mum then showed me why... she'd said " im taking the potatoes and the peas" so when she said , you had some beans didnt you... i was like... you didnt say you wanted them... so i was like yeah, and she replied, well if i was you id take them back, so i was wondering what was wrong wiht them etc... and my mum removed the lid to reveal dog/cat food... the tin had been labelled wrongly, which i found funny for a completely different reason.

The moral of the story being that you should always go with the peas.

im in a very bizzare frame of mind right now... maybe the pressure of tomorrow is getting to me. or maybe not.

dunno what im going to make and take to the stomp social....

today has been a day of real testing.

im not going to say too much as i really need to try and get some sleep. there are people for whom i am truly thankful to God for tonight.
To the people who i count as friends: even though i am at the moment unable to see any reason as to why you would want to be friends wiht me, i am glad that you are, i am glad that you care, and don't want to see me fail, or fall, or hurting, and im sorry that you have to, but i am thankful that even though i may give up on myself, that someone thinks better of me than me, and in refusing to give up on me, you remind me of the Lord's determination, and the battle he fights for me because He cares.

there is a huge post to make - its kind of already written but im not sure i can pst it yet. I don't know what the reaction will be.
theres also another huge long post that i will make at some point, but that is for another day.

Tomorrow im working 9.30-4.30 on a one-to-one basis with what may well be a child who will also test me in a different way! Then im going to view two possible houses for us to be living in from July. It would be fantastic if it could be sorted soon, but we'll see... so a long day rounded off with the oh so fun activity of shopping, which i will do with joy in my heart for the resulting food from it will hopefully bring joy to the hearts of those who consume it... if after all that im not too tired i will probably write an essay which should leave my weekend free for whatever lays in store...am waiting to be pursuaded into one of the three options i have at the moment...

So yeah... moral of this post, today may have been a nightmare and ive felt very alone in it for a time, but only because i made myself thus.

Pray that next time [there will be one, im sure of that] im faced with a similar situation that i don't react in the same way, and i run to and not from those who care and will be able to help - even if its just a hug and an 'it'll get better'. Also pray that God would really help me sort this whole deal i have with it all out...

muchas obliged-ay

[and sorry if i unmeaningly insulted you or hurt you - i can be dense like that- forgive me?]

sara

okay just as an aside.... why does my dad insist on using me as an IT consultant to ask me questions, then discount everything i say? of course to point this out would solicit the response of " right then well next time YOU ever want help then dont bother coming to me"... if i need help i ask with a view to acceptin it not dismissing it.

that wasnt what i was going to say.. it just happneed as i walked in looking like a drownded cat .. didnt even get chance to take my jacket and shoes off....


ended up in ecclesfield after leaving church... walked down for a 53 past where wickes is towards the ski village, and then saw one coming in the other direction to my house so i got on it. if the rain hadnt been as bad id have gone walking in the woods that way... but instead i went and walked ui p the stream. It didn't help. was hoping it might have taken the edge off things or given me a better perspective... so i got a75 and caught the bus home...wet and muddy and had a bit of a think... partly related to conversation i had participated in and partly just things that were buzzing round my head anyhow.
ACame up with the following:

1. how do you tell the level of friendship someone has with you without asking them directly? was thinking about this earlier.... like i have several people who i would categorise as being 'good friends' but im not sure that would be reciprocated... maybe for them, the level /practice of friendship they have with me is just 'acquaintance/friend' or it could be to the other extrem [tho thats less likely cause i know where i am compared to a lot of people wiht this]. i didnt come up with an answer to this... went off on a tangent.

2. Expectation is the key to disappointment... i guess thats kind of one of the "rules" ive lived by before, but ive never been able to summarise it so eloquently. basically i think i was stupid... i dared to expect somethign and was disappointed.
Not only that but ack yeah.

3. how stupid am i?? feel free to try and argue this on with me if you want to...
its kind of related to the above thing and the first thing.... basically the events of today have been extreme. no middle ground. either really good or really bad. the influence of the bad however taints the good. And on top of that im mega stupid and my initial reaction is to ignore it is happening and push people away and i do this the best by tryign to be mean and nasty [which actually probably doesnt come across as that mean or that nasty.... but thats the intention]. Well today i did it. so much for everything ive said about having friends and trusting in what a friend is and stuff... here i am and i can't even treat mine decently so why in the hell do i have them? nor can i even try to think that they might perhaps be joking when they say something. instead i take it on board and decide that im going to hate them so that hopefully they'll go away and it would just make life so much easier... there is a big flaw in that i realise... but at this moment i care very little. the bottom line is that i dont deserve to have people who call me their friend when i am not worth that. and i feel bad that someone might read this and then wonder if they have contributed in some way or could have helped. i cant understand why anyone would give a shit about whether or not im even here let alone anything more.

i should probably shut up now as this is beginning to sound melodramatic but all i did was turn off the part of me that censors ehat i say and let my hands directly type what im thinking. take it how you will.

and yes. ive failed. ive been trying to take the positive outlook and look ahead, and trust that things will be fine and they'll work themselves out.... and yeah ive failed in that, and i feel bad about it. but hey... im sorry that i was a fool to think that it might be possible for that to be the case.


EDIT: even though i can see that some choices are not going to be the best and i may well end up regretting them, i still make them that way... sls 19:48

so far today i have....

been 40 minutes late to meet Hendryx.... [he was late too]
this was because i basically ended up having to iron... my sister had an all day karate thing, and my mum was trying to sort stuff out so i said id iron but the uniform is an interesting one and it needed proper pressing and side seaming....luckily i like ironing... but this made me late...

people sempt to be in a bad mood today though...

then i left the house, as three people [whom i do no but dont talk about] were walking down the path... got some verbal off them and thought that would be it... it wasnt. on my first day back there it was the last thing i was hoping would happen. should have been the first thing i expected really...

i dunno.. its had a definate effect on me. If anyone sees me today just be aware and if im a bit weird im just trying to get rid of it.... cant really be any more specific at the moment cause ... well yeah.

Any how im at philadelphia right now... just about to sort out stompovision and Hendryx is looking over my shoulder as i type so ill stop being antisocial... and get on wiht some work.

sara

[Hendryx's note - Moooo]

ack.. i just got woken up. My phone went off... now i dont mind that happening, i eave my phone on 24/7 for a reason, and that reeason is if anyone needs me ill be around. i dont mind being woken up at a ridiculous hour.. but Jack was only ringing to say that he was going to start ringing the houses we're looking at next year... i wouldnt have minded at ALL but i was in the middle recieving a FANTASTIC hug in my dream. its not very often i dream so vividly, as ive said before,its not often that i dream full stop other than nightmares...so this was a welcome change and it made me realise just how much i appreciate hugs and miss them when they aren't there. [Moral of the story? give me a hug when you see me! -joke with a little seriousness]

Well, Dad didn't go fishing.... he um.. isnt feeling too good.... hehe. and so i wandered downstair to be greeted with "youre not having the net all day..." good morning to you too! actually i wasnt plannign on it. iveforgotten to charge up my phone last night even though i knewexacytlywhereto lay my hands on a charger... which wasstupid so im gonna stick it on for an hour before i head out. [in xcase you cant tell,the space bar on thiskeyboard doesnt work intermittently.]


Came downstairs to find a letter from my grandparents this mornign too....

Here is that and my reply [ive taken to writing like this to thenm cause its not always clear what im replying to otherwise!]

Hi Sara

Not long now before your arrival here in Spain. It will be a long journey for you, but im sure you're yound enough to stand the strain and you'll have two weeks in which to recover before you do it all again.

i'll recover just fine... i don't think age has much to do with it to be honest though or you wouldnt get all these OAP coach holidays that you hear of... i will enjoy the trip out as ive never been through france [other than calais and the motorway to holland] or spain so ill beenjoying the sightseeing.


As i said, all you need to bring are your clothes, toothbrush and yourself. Everything else you may need is here. Granddad says if you want to sleep outside then by all means bring your sleeping bag but it would be a shame to waste a good bedroom Ha Ha.

heh. sense of humour required too then.. id best go hunt it down ;) i think if i end up dossing it outside ill proper rough it... no sleeping bag... we'll see how daring i am i guess... ;-)

The only money you will need is personalspending money, thereis no public transport to speak of unless you go into Torrivieja, which is a good twenty minutes drive away, so anywhere you want to go we'll take you. I hope there's enough for you to do as it's a very quiet area of Spain where we are.

Quiet is what im wating....you should know by now that im not a typical 'tourist'. Yes i will have to make an obligitory trip to the beach i think, just to see what the fuss is about, and i would like to see somethign of the festival thats happening in Alicante ont he 20somethingths of June... other than that i cant think of anywhere to go until i locate you on a map and see whats nearby...


Your Granddad is going to try and find out if there is a bowling alley anywhere near. If you still go walking there are plenty of places to walk, and we are hoping that the swimming pool is open by the time you arrive. Each section of our urbanisation hasits own pool, which open as each particular section is completed. Some are open but we are still waiting for outs but it's due any time.

I'm glad you said there were plenty of places to walk.... i still go... though not as frequently as i used to as whenim doing my walks through the peaks i enjoy the company, or just someone else beign there if i havent done that particular route before... finding people and a time is proving a problem... but im still doing some. That and swimming was the main things i wqas expecting to do, so i really hope that the pool is open, or thatill be able to swim somewhere!

Well i think thats all as i want to get this in the post to make sure you get it before you leave. Don't forget Granddad's music that Kiki has as im sure she'll have finished with it by now and Granddad wants to start playing again and has no tutors with which to learn.

So long for now safe journey and be careful, see you soon.

Grandma and Granddad.

im looking forwards to it. hopefully by the time i headout there ill have somewhere to live when i get back!
It will be good to getaway for a bit though, this year has been hard for various reasons - so am looking forwards to just being somewhere else to spend some time by myself... i'll try not to drag you out too much and i'll keep out your hair most of the time! but it will be great to see you both and the place you now call your home.

im still trying to sort out contacting you when im abit closer to Alicante but we'll see how that pans out.... also need to make sure i have plenty of pens and paper so i can write to people. But i will see you in under 2weeks.

sara
x


so there you go? whatdo you think? sound good??
also be prepared to expect a letter if you know me [though some people will need to give me an address to write to... hehe] although my nightmare would be that you all turned round and said that you didnt want me to write to you!anyhow,.. everyone is shouting at me so im goign out...


oh yeah... i *am* covered in bruises... going to nick my sisters nunchucks i think...
anyhow.. off now

ok... honey nut shredded wheat is just plain peculiar.... and i just had a 5 minute long dayfdream that was very weird...
just found some stuff to pt on my shoulders and neck... theyrereally raw/sore a combinatin of moving, sun, and getting beats i think.
will be fine though...

anyhow. need to get some sleep...
tomorrow is planned, yet flexible... need ot call atthelibrary and pick up my research books and meet hendryx and then stomp stuff needs planning... but i can do that anywhere... so if its a long bus journey itmight be done... canplan things like that in now... will research 2 essyas tomorrow as well.. probably the exodusones astheyll take nomore than 4 hours to write full stop.k.. i cant believe its june....

pinch punch firstofthemonth or something.....
anyhow... goodnight