okay i want out of this house now....

i just got beats... several times off several people.... dad and mick have been sat out drinking all evening so are fairly merry....
my sister is just hyperactive this evening.... all three of them have jumped on me/fought me to varying degrees... mainly mick though... started out wiht 5 bruises at 9am.... 3 of which were fresh from carryign stuff around last night.... thatnumber has grown... i feel like i have a broken cheek,my neck kills from beign put in headlocks and ive got indian burns all over... plus a few jabs...

thing is i cant defend myself... sound like a weakling here but from the ways in which i learned to fight i would hurt someone, and that would have made things worse... as it is ill just hurt tomorrow...


i think im verging on the edge of sobreity at themoment.... which will be interesting to have conversation wiht me.... in this kind of state im totally honest and will answer any question you ask me...... dont believe me then test it out....

i pity the fool.

just been thinking about trust....without it,its impossible to survive... this is something that ive learnt. you *have* to trust in something... and eventually you have to trust people. this is where i struggle. i still have a huge problem with trusting people, even though actually ive gotten a lot better at it in some ways. im now at a point where im prepared to pursue a friendship wiht someone and trusting that it wont get screwed up and i wont be crushed by it, whichis a complete turnaround as before i would wait for that person to prove themselves before trusting them... im not going to get all self analytical about that though cause it will only make me go grrr at myself.

i guess im just thinking really about how much i communicate about myself and when, and how vulnerable im prepared to make myself... thats definately grown of late. if it hadnt then i can think of 2 people in particular that i probably still wouldnt have spoken to by now let alone consider them as friends. i know that im very different to a lot of people here though... what would be considered normal for asome people is way above for me... but im also not about comparing myself to everyone else either.

im not really sure where this is going to be honest... just thinking and rambling...
its relavant to somethign i wrote the other day but of course that on my pc, which i havent set up yet so cant get it off there to find it.... i so need to remember to use webstorage... gonna shut up now... im not even sure im making sense!

on the amusing side though my sister is behaving oddly......

well, im all clean now... actually didnt spend an age in there as i am normally wont to do...went in at 2.30ish and out at 4.30... re read 'over sea and under stone'. I love the 'The Dark is Rising Sequence' Will buy them all at some point... i don't care that theyre meant for teenagers- theres LOADS in there...
the fact that its got some athurian legend in it just makes it sso much better as wel, but thats only cause i have a real passion for good athurian legend/fiction... one of my novels im in the middle of writing is based in that....
just arranged to meet
Matthew Hendrickse for coffee/lunch tomorrow before i head into church to sort out STOMPoVISION and how its going to work...
am well tired now, dads asleep on the sofa...but if i turned the tele over [its currently the div 3 playoffs] you can guarentee he'll wake up ie my bed... i reckon i need to keep myself awake till 9.30pm at least,and then ill get some decent sleep and a decent amount of it, cause if i go to sleep now, i wont sleep tonight. Might go taKE THE DOG FORA LONG WALK IN THEW woods or soemthign now the sun has passed overhead... ack... mightset my pc up and see whether 'technomage' is any good... wonder where my sister has gone actually.... can't be far cause she was complaining about her foot [broken toe] which i strapped up earlier causeit wasnt looking too healthy... good thing to have 2 first aiders int heh housereally, at least wheni renew mine anyhow... quite fancy just kicking back and doing something chilled..

question for you though,do i get my hair cut again or do i let it grow??
I've always taken things out on my hair..so if i was pissed off atmyself id do something to it... but now its just at that point where i need ot decide what im doing, and im not pissed off or anythign... just dunno whether long or short hair suits me better...im kinda used to it beign short now... it may not seem it but it is for me trust me... been like this for a while now. i dont ever want it back below my knees is about the only thing im sure of... and wheni went to visit the Rich B last year the first thing he said was 'your hair really suits you short' but people say that about long hair too... maybe it doesnt really matter.... and you're all thinking 'oh my gosh- how shallow!' but its honestly not somethign i give any real thought to ever... xept nowits at that point where i either decide to put up wiht it beign in my face for weeks cause it wont tie back while it grows,or i get it cut and keep it out of my face using various girly things and gunk...

well, im sorted out...

done, moved... sorted.

once again my life is stored up and compartmentalised into boxes. Ironic really,as i seem to strive to not be able to be put into a box, and i strive to think outside of the box, and yet, actually.... heh... me being philosophical.... hehe... oh dear.

This brings an episode of ym life to an end, and a new one is about to begin and as jerry springer should say, a few final thoughts:

'we were never made to live alone. People are placed alongside us, be it good or bad. some people will test us, and stretch us to our limits, even beyond them, others are truly a blessing. Some are a mixture of the two. over the last nine months ive experience all of that... beginning wiht the mixed, moving to the stretching, and now im startign to see the blessing. To all the people who have known me over this amount of time, thank you. Even the taxing ones! - without the crap how can you see and appreciate the good?'

Seeing as most of the orchard road crew read this on ocaasion and laugh at me im sure, a few words.....

Chris - might and magic- when i have broadband again i think we're on for a battle.... ;-) Watching the sci-fi channel will not be the same without you - who else can i ask the most obscuresci-fi qurestions to who might know and answer... and one day Smith and Lem will be the starsky and hutch of today ;-) I have much video evidence to keep me amused for a while, and many amusing memories of your antics.... just be careful of your 'friendship' with mini Dan... i think he's out for more than you think ;-)

Dan - you should know by now that i have my limits... dont push too hard. also, you owe me a body part... i have my passport. in a strange way i will miss your drunken chats... your drunken technique of persuasion... "are you coming to the leadmill with us?" "are you coming to the leadmill?" "are you coming to the leadmill with us?" "are you coming to the leadmill?" "are you coming to the leadmill?" etc setc etc random guitar playing... the strains of bruce from your room...

lee- we may not have always seen eye to eye, but at leastyou wre consistant! i think that one day mount Lem will overpower mount Lee, but that is nothingto be ashamed of...
ill miss the random insults wegave the guys, and the the general randomness caused by your good self!


To the honourary members:

Adam - thank you for your friendship nad your interest. the fact that you took the time to have a proper conversation wiht me always meant something, even if you did bring shame on yourself for not knowing who bobba fett is :D

Russ - ill miss the beep of the jeep alarm... New Years eve and the snowball fight will also stay in my memory for a long time... to be fair it was a little biased;.. me in my room and you on the ground... only so much snow i could find... ;-)

Ed - its been interesting to say the least.... Shame things didn't work out how i would have hoped, but i think there is hope there for the future.... and soon infinitum may return....


thats it... just checking out some stuff to do wiht houses which will hopefully pan out... and soon the water will be hot and i can go havemy bath....

apologies for the atrocious spelling here.... this keyboard is shite!!!!!

one last thing- a HUGE thank you to those lovely people who helped me move this morning. no thanks to my parents..... grrr... but the end result was that it was done, and i really appreciate it.

okay, this really is the last post now, im nearly done... by the looks of the sky its going to rain today...

all i need ot do now, is to take the last box downstairs, with the rucksacks and the last couple of things, do the washing up, disconnect this and take it downstairs... think ill have to leave the monitor though. i managed the TV just... only the two things i'll need a hand to carry, which is better than when i moved in.... also need to take the rubbish out of here to the bins outside... whichthen to be fair if its 8am and im up then im hoovering... though to be fair im not so sure i will be... right then... to crack on...

goodbye for now...

okay so it wasnt the last post, but im on a break now...

just moved the 4 boxes downstairs... got one more box up here to do that will be full of random stuff xept i dontthink it will be full, and it certainly wont be heavy...
dont think ill be able to move the microwave or the printer by myself, possibly the monitor... i still havent got all the strenght in my arms back gonna hopefully sort that out with the swimming in spain...

so got the guitars, amp mic stand easel and music stand and rain stick, video, tv pc bitz and stereo and this box to take down, then i think itll be a case of shove the sheet and teddies in my backpack, take the sleeping bag downstairs and sleep there

may as well type this list up here to print out so i know what im doing...

2 boxes (art stuff and books) to go to jacks, along wiht 2 guitars, guitar stand for broken guitar, amp, mic stand easel music stand and rain stick, microwave, printer and tv and video (whihc i said he can have for the month)

To my parents, my PC, sleeping bag, 3 boxes (clothes, random crap, and random usefuls, boxed "useful" christmas presents [for example the sandwich toaster i always wanted cause i love toasted sandwiches, attempting to hide the sarcasm... ]stereo, and fred.

after thats done, head back to the house to tidy up, hoover etc, and leave the keys and then hopefully being around 4pm ill head home for a bath, which ill love cause i havent had one in over a month (yes ive had showers before anyone says anythign.... )

right its 3am best get back to it... if i keep going at this rate ill be done for 04.30,

the sun is just beginning to rise... dawn is breaking...

this may well be the last post i make from my current abode...

im not sure what to say... its had its ups and downs... good times and bad... im sorry to leave but i look forwards to whats to come.
To everyone reading this that is a member of the house or a frequent visitor thank you for the funny times... and keep in touch, ill be around....

ive got so much to do before tomorrow morning....
need to pack the wardrobe and take everything downstairs ready for an early start.also need to empty my cupboard in the kitchen... and clean... tho the cleaning can be done later that day...

i will be quiet for now though... there may be another post, depends how long it takes me to finish this...

well, for those of you who are interested, tonight i jumped.

look out for me at the moment, okay?

You seem older than your years, like a wise sage.
Your head always either buried in a book, or
discussing what you have learned with others,
you are Thoth. The creator of writting, and
language, you are full of wisdom. When you
talk, people listen, knowing they will learn
something new.


Which Ancient Egyptian Diety are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

as i write im just listening toa combination of whatever Dan is listening to, mayfest, and Brian May's 'Too much love will kill you'.

I wanted to go and see McFly at mayfest... i have even more respect for them since i found out that they named themselves after MARTY McFLY!

just also realised that the Scorpions did 'Drive'...

speaking of driving... i dont think mick is going to be around tomorrow, which is going to make moving more interesting...

ive managed to do it again though.... had waaaaaaay too much pepsi than is good for me... have also eaten apples today though so should be okay. gonna go have the stew i made yesterday for lunch/tea and then get ready for church.

tonight apparently sees Dan and chris battling it out to see 'who is the gayest' - random tv program thing... i dunno... think i may well be making a new schedule for tomorrow... inspiration and help required, please apply below :)

casualties from last night.....

They guys got back at 3am ish... they werent actually too loud...

so the casualty list is as follows:

Chris' wallet. £30 gone on JD and cokes
Dan's neck. Chris gave him a vulcan death grip and killed him.
A possible case of hypothermia due to spending an hour in the pool....
The whole of Pop Tarts?!
and finally, the most outrageous. 2 birdseye chicken fillets, which were left in the oven for 7 hours.... needless to say they are now a fossil fuel..... i did wonder why the cooker was warm when i went down there this morning...


as i begin to write this, it has begun to rain. Not small rain, but big rain,the kind of rain that i LOVE being in a tent and listening to as it pummels against the canvas, almost giving the illusion that the walls are indeed 'closing in on you', to quote Savage Garden. Its also the kind of rain that i love to walk in, but not today, if there was thunder too then definately, but this rain is making so much noise that actually thunder is less necessary than normal, although i do think ive heard one or two faint rumbles.
I've turned my winamp off just so i can listen as i type, and i have my window wide open to capture the smell. another thing i love about this particular rainfall is that because i have a flat roof above me the rain pours off it in front of my window in a violent curtain, which actually shields from the inbounce, so ive felt quite safe to open my window fully and let the rain fall.
The other thing i really like about this kind of rain is that it inspires me to write. the best time that it can happen is in the evening, around dusk, and i can curl up at my window (slightly impractical in this house though unfortunately), watch the rain pummell the window and the sill, and the ground below, and with the aid of a few candles along the windowsill, write.
Generally its fiction. This is what im feeling inspired to do today, but i must wrote another essay to keep to my schedule. i like my schedule but i like the fact that it is interchangable the most, so i can be flexible. for example, next week looks as follows:

Mon: move house
Tues:
Weds: Working 9.30-4.30
Thur: 11am playstation war! 5.30pm Stomp Social
Fri:
Sat:
Sun:


the days that dont have anythign yet may yet be filled, but within that week there are also three blocks of 6 hours to be taken at my leisure of essay writing. Knowing me, the'll be 10pm-4am on monday and wednesday and sunday :) meaning still lots of free time so should be around to do things...

woke up feeling pretty good, despite overdoing it on the OJ last night.... heh. i think im around three times better thanthe rest of my house combined... though they were up vaguely early...

am looking forwards to going to church tonight, if it does what i think it will do, then im gonna walk down there via hillsborough cause ive not been out for a decent walk in ages... just wandered the other night.

oh yeah.... that was the exciting thing i came on to post about...

I had a dream last night.

doesnt sound very exciting... but it is for me... i hardly EVER dream anymore, and when i do theyve been nightmares.... well last night i had a dream and i won! might go into more detail in a few days cause im too chicken to explain now in case it was only a one off.... but im excited :D

today has been long, but great.

I woke up at 6am, bang wide awake. i had one intention and one intention only. To write.
So i did. I finally managed to put into words some stuff...
i basically wrote up my story. Ive been meaning to do it for ages but have never been able to. I couldnt face thinking about some of what i wanted to say. but today i said it. i sat and wrote solidly for 9 hours, correcting the odd spelling but changing nothing. will post an extract in a moment... also spoke to abbie today which was lovely.
Kinda realised as i was doing this that the last thing i needed to do after sitting and doing all of this was to then spend the evening by myself, so invited Richard over for tea, to which he kindly obliged, and i made stew and dumplings followed by apple and pear quick summer crumble, as ive just named it. that was really nice, and was totally what i needed. im currently cataloguing some stuff, and laying in wait for the mob to return... theyve gone out on their tye-dye party thing... been on the piss since this afternoon, so what state they'll be in by the time they return i dunno, but my door is getting locked at 2am....

anyhow...

this is the last 'section' of my ramblings from today, its the least well constructed and the least coherent but the most useful i think.

So where am I now?

- I have friends. And I’m trying hard to keep believing that they are GOOD friends that won’t let me down, and it’s a constant battle to trust in that, but im trying.
The beginning of this year forced me to re-evaluate a lot of stuff, and I took a step into the unknown then. I left a lot of people behind, and actually I havent looked back. God has provided me with some new friends, some new people who are working hard to change and repair the damage that has been done, whether they know that or not. And it is these people that im trying to learn from, and to listen to,

- I have faith. I’ve seen some awesome things happen since becoming a Christian. God is bigger than anything, and I still have a lot of problems with the concept of God loving *me* and what He thinks of me, I live in FAITH that that is the truth, and I know that I will see that.

- I have a purpose. Right now that purpose is not necessarily clear. But its something I havent had before, and i want to do my best with whatever He entrusts me with.

- I have a choice.

This is the thing. The last three months have brought me to a crossroad. It is at this point that I look at myself, and decide to put everything into God’s hands, and allow my defenses to be broken and everything that’s been stored up to be taken out and dealt with and have that replaced with the things that I want to see, and know, and experience. I know what I want to choose, and I think in my heart ive already chosen, but I’m scared. I don’t know that my faith is big enough to carry me through this. There is still doubt, but I don’t know that I can wait any longer. Im in the best position I can be to do this. I have people to help me and I have God on my side. I don’t need any more than that… at the moment I feel raw. I know that im at the point of no return- there is one layer of defenses left, and I can’t break them, only He can, and they’re threatening to break now, this is why I want to hide myself away, because I feel like I could cry and never stop, and I wouldn’t want to inflict that on anyone. I havent cried properly since that day I lost it in P.E. I can’t. There are times when id love to be able to. Especially after I realised that the way I have of dealing things is seriously flawed, and recently there have been times when ive hurt so much that ive wanted to just go and hit things in an effort to externalise it. The fact that I have been able to write this shows the place im at. Im on the cliff, and I need to jump, and I need to trust that God will catch me and not let me fall, because otherwise im doomed. But if I choose not to jump I condemn myself. The last three months Ive had a glimpse of what is possible, and what I want to aim towards, and its good…

ive been writing since 6am this morning.

i know how it will end but im not there yet, and im not at the good bit yet, but im not going to stop until its finished.

unless it stops raining i dont think the sunset will be visible tonight which is a shame, but there will be others. the tye-dye extravaganza is happening tonight meaning i think that i have a house to myself.. anyhow.. gonna hunt me some cereal and carry on wiht this...

have just been given a good talking to...

*feels sheepish*

seriously though.. i probably needed it... a lot to think about... and i probably wont necessarily get much sleep tonight, but that isnt a bad thing... i was never going to bed early today anyhow... too much coffee and pepsi for that :D

probably should have written some of it down as a reminder, but i was kinda taken by surprise...


so to show my good intentions... today had its moments, specially the bus, and the random trip to intake..and the staring, and the mooning. BUT overall its been good.I got some stuff shifted, im almost packed...i got to go walkabouts in the rain... AND i have some great things going on right now, and some amazing people that are a part of my life, and for these things im thankful.

Those of you that pray, pray that God would help me. He knows what with.

i still want to head out somewhere to watch the sunset tomorrow evening, and it would still be great if anyone wants to join me, [will even feed you if you like!]

its probably not a good idea to draw any conclusions from whats been said tonight right now. may do tomorrow, so ill just say goodnight, and sleep well.

am i some sort of freak?

wat with the guy this morning and the bus, and on the way into town to meet my mum this guy kept staring at me and everytime i cought him at it he just grinned...
and then i went to the shop earlier, all the guys outside the pub just looked at me, and then i was paying for my purchases, and felt someone staring at me again, and turned around to find two youths staring at me... have i grown an extra leg or something??? quite disturbing really.

everyone else in the house is currently watching the last 'friends' as im quite sure are a significant chunk of the population. i am not. mick arrived and removed some boxes for me, so ive just got to get the stuff up to Jack's and possibly a couple elsewhere before completely packing down for monday.

i made my tea, and then played on the scalextrix thats currently set up in the living room... had never done that before so twas cool.

even though it has been raining, its still very humid outside... quite oppressive really.also very still... i hope it does thunder later...

not sure what im going to do with the rest of my evening.. theres no-one online, [prolly all watching friends] but that doesnt bother me... i cant play my guitar because i sent my guitar back home so i can work on my songwriting while im there...also packed my playstation and the games have gone back with my CD collection.. bar the ones ive left here... wonder if my dad liked his present...

anyhow. im rambling.. again. must learn to keep quiet one of these days... i swear my incessant babbling is putting people off...

oh think i managed to pursuade my mum of one thing though which is good... she's been quite worried that ive been single for a long time... took her to F.O.B and let her pick where we sat, which was on the table in front of these two guys, one of whom was fairly nice-ish... so i jokingly said "good choice, but you're lebow is in the way"... but she was like - 'oh so you *do* actually have some interest in these things then... '
actually the only thing that stood out about said guy was his shoulders... but yeah.. i *do* have interest... just that no-one is interested back...

also have the design for the new site almost done.. just a little bit of tweaking to be done i think.. thanks goes out for the help with it..

one more thing from today.... chris proved to me that he doesnt have a hairy arse....

just taken a nice little trip... went to meet my mum in town, and stuff... first thing she said to me was that i looked well, which is kinda cool...
still the same old mum.. can't take her anywhere without a load of complaints.... ;-)
then dad rang and shouted at me cause mum hadnt answered her fone.. which was out of line, as i pointed out to him, and he then calmed down a little which was good..
i dont feel too good right now... its quite humid despite it raining, which always gives me a headache... it needs to thunder ideally...


ive got a load of stuff ready now... might stop for the evening...
also had a PROPER cappucino from FOB, so am likely to go doolally later lunch consisted of 2 pitta bread... one of which was starting to go mouldy, which i didnt realise till i tasted it :( watched half an episode of quantum leap too...

anyhow spose id best crack on..
just downloading a film to watch tonight seeing as all my videos are packed and gone...
depending which finishes first it will be harry potter and the chamber of secrets or romeo and juliet...
ive never been a big one for the whole pirating thing, if i do download films i delete em after ive watched them usually... still a little wrong but i dont have a video store card or anything so cant rent one...
dunno if theres anythign on telly tonight actually...

sara

hohohoho..... my parents seem to think im going to be sharing my sisters room for a week, and sleeping in there.... not wishing to sound ungrateful but screw that!!!! i aint sharing a room wiht my sister. id like to be alive. id rather sleep in my tent in the back garden. my stuff can go on my bed (well my ex-bed)... so im gonna sleep on the floor downstairs while im there... for one thing, ill be upi at 6am and to bed around 2 while im there if i sleep at all, and my sister woken up not of her own volition is not something i want to be near...my dads now also stressing at having to store stuff....

im on the verge of just saying screw it all and taking my tent and walking to london for my coach. 187 miles... 15 days... 12 miles a day roughly... plenty of time.. i can walk 30 miles in a day... i done it before......



oh, and just cause it might amuse you....
you want to know what proper yorkshire looks like written down????

miffa_the_old_git says:
ewot time u back t'night so i know wot time 2 ask mick if e can oblige



although apparently i *might* be getting some stuff moved this evening after all....

ack.

*turns up the guns n roses to halfvolume... *

okay, im gonna vent cauise otherwise this is just gonna wind me up for the whole day, and it really shouldnt be *that* big a deal...

ed- this might be a good subject for 10 things i hate about...

ok, so anyone who knows me knows that im all for polite society and courtesy, specially when it comes to public transport. one of my more eccentric behaviours is displayed with buses. im proud to say that i know where every numbered bus in sheffield goes, and all the ones that are operated by first that go from sheffield to other places. i also know the timetables for the major routes...
but when im travelling on buses, i ALWAYS show courtesy to the other passengers, standard things, like giving up my seat to someone who needs it, making sure that my luggage goes int he rack etc. and not playing my music too loudly, or talking really loud on my fone... cause im sure noone wants to join in my conversation on the bus... the only times i can think of that i havent been polite and courteous are the following

a) the IRA dude who threatened myself abbie and erica that he was going to chop us all into little pieces... probably a lunatic but i definately wasnt polite!
b) the freaky guy who started trying to chat me up at the bus stop and then got on the bus with me and sat next to me all the way home... i wasnt polite then in fact i was probably downright rude... i didnt handle that too well
c) the drunk guy who got on the bus (the only other passenger was myself, and 2 people i knew who were sat together) so all these spare seats on the bus, and the guy decides to sit on me. im not exaggerating there, ask Yatesy and his girlfriend.
d) the complete arses from school who decided it would be great fun to throw chud in my hair last year and start threatening me...

all of these are fairly extreme circumstances though... so yeah, i head down to morrisons to see if i could score some boxes, which i did, and got to the bus to come back... sat on the railing of the luggage compartment (you know the ones at the front of the little nippers?) - something that ive done many a time, but theres a difference - IF SOMEONE HAS LUGGAGE YOIU MOVE SO THAT THEY CAN PUT IT IN THERE! - this guy was just being rude for the fun of it i swear - there i am carrying these 3 banana boxes (which is actually 6 boxes cause of how they fit together) which dont stack nicely, which i can't see over , and id moved from the front of the queue to the back so i wouldnt hold people up, this guy then being the front of the queue... does he move- no! so the drivers there having a stress at me telling me that i ahve to put the boxes in the proper compartment and people on the bus are all staring at me and this guys obviously finding it funny.
i got them in there in the end.
oh and to top it off, i HAD to ask him to move to get them out again cause i couldnt get them out the way theyd came in and he starts having a stress at how inconsiderate people are and that HE should have to move.... im so glad that i held my tongue....


oh, and after all that, im allergic to something on those boxes.... im itching like anything and have a lovely rash. and ive packed the calmine- got some baby lotion still out though which will sort it for now.

ack. i can see tonight being me with my curry in the freezer, the bottle of wine i have to finish, tia maria and coke...

this is the first time ive ever sat and listened to the lyrics of this song...
theyre totally applicable in the first verse to how i feel at the moment, and the rest is encouraging...



Who is the you that no one else can see
In your heart, a lonely one afraid to be
Lost again, need a friend

You hide your soul to keep the hurt inside
All alone, your tears call out into the night
Is he there, does he care

Chorus

Yes, I know your name
Every prayer you pray
I’m the one who brought you to this place
The voice who sings to you
The hand that clings to you
Oh my child, I’ve always known your name... known your name

I hold you close to me, close to heart
And this kind of love will find you anywhere you are
Never fear, I am here [michael w smith: i know your name]

that was something i meant to say.

im sorry to those of you to whom i disappeared last night... i am aware that i was mid conversation with a couple of people - needed a little bit of time to myself, which moved from curling up on my bed to get that to me escaping and going for a walk.
i think saturday evening (tomorrow) i might go watch the sun go down on the Bole Hills [would say out redmires way but its an arse to get to], if anyone would like to join me i would really appreciate it as it would be helpful if at least someone else was there [explanation avaliable if required] - i cant promise it will be the most exciting event ever, but if the weather is not that cloudy i can promise a spectacular sunset- get in touch for more details.

today sees me trying to find/transport boxes.
im also meeting my mum in town at 3pm cause i have to finish filling in this SHTOOPID PR1 form so i can have my student loan next year. i can't do paperwork at the best of times... [ update - 9.29am and ive done it - just can't find my student loan account number which isnt given on any of the documentation that ive got.] so 3pm [knowing my timekeeping and my parents, ill arrive at 20 to three, and my mum will arrive at half past... so yey for boredom], ill be be meeting my mum outside Bailey Court so she can go get some stuff stamped for it and fill in her bit again, and then we're gonna go grab a coffee or something i think is the plan ... and then im going to desperately try and find some boxes... cause its getting to that point now where im actually looking at missing my deadline for moving...i need three [four to be safe] large boxes. 2 for books and 2 for random bits.

my proposed schedule was to have gotten all my packing done by THIS evening, ie. 6pm so i could possibly even consider going to a pub tonight for the first time in months... and then tomorrow, having mick around and shifting some stuff up to Jacks for me... which would have been, guitars, TV and video, amp mayhe a box of randoms...
then sunday morning would see my printer, floor cushions the books and other box of randoms going to the parents house, and leaving me free to go to church in the evening, as its pentecost...
and then monday would see my PC and the other box being moved and me taking a couple of hours to tidy up.

i know that i sound really anal wiht all of this, but im realising that i NEED to be.
k, gonna have breakfast now... half a pint of milk is whats in my frdge i think, so its gonna be a cappucino and milk, and then im gonna try not to stress...

tuesday wednesday and fridays are gonna be serious study days... get the rest of my essays finished and then revision sunday and monday essays weds eve and thursday if needed then friday pack.. i so need another week...

im aware that this is a very task orientated post...
thats kinda because i actually really want to write something but i cant find the words... i tried last night, and this morning. but maybe some things are better left unsaid?

right now i just want to lock myself away and hide from the world.

have got my tea, toad in the hole in the oven though so ill wait until its done... also will avoid the fake willy thats being thrown around the living room....

might post more later... i apologise to anyone im not being too talkative to tonight. if you want me and you have my other MSN then fine- cause youre on that list... , otherwise i can be texted or rung...

PANIC!

the script for todays stomp has gone missing.

i was working on the ending last night (which i still have) but i'd written practically the whole of the rest of it and i can't find it here at church.. this isnt good!
*begins to frantically rewrite*

after the last two posts being quite deep and soul searching i feel like i should be continuing in that vein... and i could quite happily, but i also feel that ive scared a lot of people away...
im not going to stop necessarily though.. just this post is a little less intense..
it was good to write something like that post this morning... proves that i can still kinda write i guess... i think... i hope...

anyhoo... today i got some packing done... am just sorting out the teaching for STOMP tomorrow...

also had strawbnerries and cream today - the second lot, so one more lot to go before my tummy has a stress at me for eating strawberries... the only fruit it does that with... also called in to see Hendryx, who showed me City of Heroes, which looks quite funky...
alas i am out of boxes now though so must stop for the night.. which im not entirely sorry for...

it occured to me this evening just how much i have to do and how little time i have to do it..
it will all get done, of that im confident.. im just worrying now that the bits that are outside my control [mainly transport issues](im not really a control freak... honestly) wont come together, and ulitmately i have to trust that they will, which is proving difficult, but im trying...

anyhow, cool thing of the day...
my grandma rang a little while ago... and basically answered questions for me like what i need to take, like will i need a sleeping bag etc.. how expensive are things etc...
and she basically said that all i need are my clothes a toothbrush and spending money- they have all the rest, and when it comes to travel they will drive me anywhere i want to go, and if i want to be on my own then thats fine they-ll just drop me off, which is a real blessing and has made my trip a bit less more expensive than i thought it will be...

there may also be some progress on the house front.. but dont know yet.. waiting on J for a phone call there...

AND i got my travel to london for going to spain and back sorted... it hasnt cost me anything - im going by coach, and i had enough bonus points in my account to pay for the ticket... :)

so yeah..

work also rang... im working both lunchtime and after school tomorrow... which is good, cause i need the money, but i was actually hoping i could use the time to do some stuff... guess not eh?
im looking forwards to next week, a lot of hard work admittedly, im working on wednesday, on a one to one basis.. thursday is a day of fun [and victory - yeah baby! ;-) ] sunday the old revision slog begins and in the rest of that week ill be waiting for people to ask me to do stuff!

ack this seems really lame after the previous posts... :S

im here again.

its taken me a long time to get here- i made it once before, but then i got scared and went back down, to safety. The wind is blowing and i can feel its cool breeze hitting my back, urging me forwards. I tentatively take another step. I'm dazzled by the sunlight at the moment, unable to see, i feel with my toes for firm ground. I turn around, and can see again. I see the distance ive come, as height always seems able to put things in perspective... some things that seemed huge at the time are actually fairly small from up here.
This is it though. The point of no return. If i go back, i know that to which i will be returning, if i stay here, i will enjoy my time here, seeing the sights, and looking at the flowers, but i will waste away, for whilst this place is pretty, and confortable, it wasnt created as an oasis, where life can be sustained. If i go forwards... who knows what i may encounter, who i may encounter? I must make this decision though. So many i know have fallen behind on the road for a plethora of reasons, and i have made it here alone from the band of people i set out with and always thought would arrive here with me. i am not alone however, there are people here whom i have met along the way who have spurred me onwards, and to them i am grateful beyond imagining - some of these are here with me now, wondering what i will choose, others, were with me for but a short time along the way... but each has played their part. even those for whom this adventure has taken a sharp turn and into a hole.
Again i turn to look forwards, hand over my eyes in an attempt to block out the sun, to see the land that lays before me. but i cannot. There is also only one way to go forwards, and that is to leave everything i ever knew behind, for once i go beyond this point and begin to venture forwards again there is no way that i can return. I again, take another inquisitive step forwards. This time there is no ground below my bare foot.
It is at this point that the fear hits. I'm filled with an urge to turn and run, but i cannot. To do that would be death. In reality, i havent moved at all. Again i feel for ground below my foot, hoping that i still have time. I cannot. I drop to my knees and begin to feel with my hands instead, wondering if i am mistaken. I am not. The hardest battle to be fought in this journey is about to begin. The battle with oneself, the battle that cannot be seen. the damage could be huge, but i HAVE to fight it, and i must win. What happens next in the pages of my life depends upon it. Again the wind begins to blow, at first gently, but then stronger. i realise that now, i do not have to necessarily fight, i have only to stand, and the wind will carry me forwards. But the question 'into what?' still remains...
well im tired of losing, and this feels right. I have to take this opportunity while i can, before i talk myself out of it. The voices grow louder and louder though, all of the reasons why i shouldn't. I 'm at the edge of something. I'm not sure what, and im not sure i can survive the jump... yet there are people waiting for me and i dont want to disappoint them, or myself.
i begin to remove things, things that i thought would be useful, but aren't necessary... all the while fighting, hoping that what i think i will see, who i will see at the bottom will be there....

i wasnt going to necessarily post this but i feel like i should... if i decide not to i can always just not bother i guess...

someone said somethign to me yesterday which got me thinking....about how different ive been overthe last few weeks, and how much ive changed... i then immediately set off on a nice little introspective tour of myself wondering *how* ive changed, and whether or not this is a good thing...
upon reflection im still not totally sure on a lot of that, but thats okay... which for me is one hell of an admission.
In truth im now confused about a lot of things, all to do with myself (which sounds very selfish... but rargh) like 'how much of my personality *was* my personality?', and 'just how much did things that happened mould me as a person?' and 'maybe actually that isnt/wasnt/ really me?'... ack all sounding very deep and complicated but it isnt really...
its just that whenever i talk about myself i find it very hard to (another thing from this)

at the moment, all i do know is that something new is happening, and its almost like a husk is peeling off... i cant explain it very well at all... i feel very insecure at the moment, mainly cause i have all these questions floating around my head, and then to complicate things questions like 'if i /am/ changing, whats to say that what im chainging into wont be worse than before?' and 'will anyone like me?' may sound very shallow and very petty... but those who know me better than that will understand the significance of this from someone who 4 months ago really didnt care whatsoever what anyone thought because actually why bother?

yesterday probably want helped by the fact that jacks house have decided that i dont deserve to be single and want to set me up with someone.... the thought of this terrifies me. i know what i want out of a relationship, and its not the same as their ideas! my criteria (for want of a better word) really isnt that strict... but in this world maybe its too much to ask... a nice guy, who cares, and likes me (and is a Christian). you'd think that would be easy to find.... no offer in 2 years, and all the guys i know who fit the criteria are either already taken or really aint interested (unless theres something i havent been told......
their definition of what i want is rather different... :S gotta love all these people who are taken.... just cause theyve sorted it dont mean that they should be sorting mine... im perfectly incapable of doing it myself thank you! [just needed something light to talk about after my huge confessiony type thing]

eventually got to sleep at 2ish and woke up at three with the realisation i have a direct debit due out today....
im also beginning to work out some of whats going on in my head i think, which can only be a good thing...

bought my dad Vangelis' Odyssey CD today as well... told him as well, as ill be away at the time. was going to get my sister a busted poster but they didnt have any.
i think tea tonight is going to be rice and soy sause, as thats all i have in!

i bought myself alanis' So called Chaos, GnR's Greatest hits, as well as some calamine lotion and some deep freeze spray as ive been getting bad cramp attacks in my legs/back over the last week, and i have the gel stuff, but cant put it on myself, so im hoping the spray will work... also got some calamine... k, im going to wash my hair while my rice is on...

also got a lot of Stomp for next year planned- its very exciting...

i feel like my heart is breaking. :(

ok, am at philly... just done the tasks that i was given on my list... gonna head up to jack's in a little while and do some painting which will be interesting... dont think i have the concentration span at the moment but hey....

anyhow... thats my evening pretty much so there we go... :S

grrrrr! our server is being silly.... just decided to kill the net connection to my pc for like 20 minutes, in doing so i missed 3 people.... :(

i wrote another song today which is nice... because i sent all my bedding back home ill be sleeping in my sleeping bag, on my floor cushions on my bed... im SO going to fall off... im just watching police academy right now... then im going to go to bed i think...

its been a very weird day... thats all i can say for it right now...

tomorrow should be okay, going to jacks to do some painting maybe... ill see how i feel... paul will be there with Gina, who will be off revising with Chris for a while, so i should be okay for a few hours, and then i can always escape...

anyhow. im outta here for now...

am currently listening to wynonna Judd's song 'you were loved' - its beautiful, lots of truth - i went looking for this song, as it was featured on an episode of 'touched by an angel' which was really really good... it made me cry... bascially Judd played the mother of a little boy who was dying, and he had a list of things to do before he died, and one of the things was to help his mum finish her song, as she couldnt do it, and this song was on earlier in the programme - she wrote it for her son, and his best friend who was also very ill, and she found his list of things to do, and that was the only thing left other than 'go to heaven' and after reading it she mangaed (wiht a little inspiration from tess) to finish the song, gathered people to perform it, and as she performed it the little boy died....

We all want to make our place in this world
We all want our voices to be heard
Everyone wants a chance to be someone
We all have dreams we need to dream
But sweeter than any star you can reach
Is when you reach and find you've found someone
You'll hold this world's most priceless thing
The greatest gift this life can bring
If you can look back and know
You were loved.
CHORUS:
You were loved by someone
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved.

You can have diamonds in your hand.
Have all the riches in the land
Without love do you really have a thing
When someone cares that you're alive
When someone finds their world in your eyes
Then you'll know you've find all you need
You'll hold this world's most priceless prize
The sweetest treasure in this world
If you can look back and say
You were loved
CHORUS

So many roads that you can take
Whatever way you go
Don't take that road alone
Better you should know...
You were loved by someone
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You did OK
You were loved.
So remember to tell that one
You are loved.

id be happy if i could say that about my life....

did you know that it is possible to make cappucino backwrds?? i didnt think it was, but then i went downstairs to make one and realised when i was there that id forgotten to fetch the bloody cappucino mix down, so in the interests of science decided to experiment, and put the milk in the cup, followed by boiling water, and mixed the two, nearly spewed cause i cant stand the smell of hot milk, but braved it out (also sorted dans noodles out for him) and then came uip stairs and added cappucino mix which to my surprise worked.... the first of many this evening... and then when im out of cappucino mix im onto the proper coffee :D

this probably means that ill end up quite stupid tonight.... unlike detritus, heat dont make me fick, but caffiene makes me shtoopid.....

(the guy in the shopo was reading 'moving pictures', and was immediately so much nicer to me after i mentioned my like of Prattchet....)

bring it on!

erk..its still quite bright out there... luckily most of the time i was out i was walking away from the sun... also nice to see that my leaving date from here is so finitely marked on the calendar in the kitchen... hmm. well... i went to get something nice... and came back with breakfast cereal, and cappucinos.. the latter will be enjoyed by myself later tonight in my quest to stay awake and hopefully not be up as ridiculously early as today.

before i go to spain will someone please remind me to buy some relish, as im sure my grandad probably really misses it and i doubt you'll be able to get it over there, ESPECIALLY not as easily as you can get it in sheffield.... ive been hard pressed to find it in other areas of the UK!

will hopefully soon have pink and purple back in my hair... just as soon as i can get someone willing to help me do it! my hair is rapidly approaching white again in places, so im hoping i wont have to bleach it as ive never bleached it before...

i think the walk, although short (didnt want to risk a headache... that would have topped my day off nicely) helped. i feel a little more together now, and in a place to 'go with the flow' and just enjoy the evening...

am gonna look at my website designs again this evening i think... while its still light for one! and see which i like best, and maybe other people... might even write some more content!

just spent a horrendous afternoon trying to mend my PC - it got poorly. its okay now though *fingers crossed*

my plan to go out for a walk and then to church was ruined in that, and if i left for church now id be late.... so im not going.

instead im going to go and buy some ice cream or something hideously ridiculous to make up for it, and play some unreal tournament or something unless i think of anything better to do... i thinkt he rest of my house were in the pool thisafternoon, but i did catch a bit of a chill from the hailstorm so no thank you!

well... a long conversation with my mum on the telephone about practically everything under the sun :S "so what stuff have you sent back?" "so what have you been up to?" "how was the concert?" i cant haowever be too hard... she is going to do my dirty washing for me... and take in my trousers... and she did just inform me that my grandma has given me 20 pounds, which will help with the extortionate train fare to london and back when i go to spain.... :( the cheapest i can get it is 58 quid, which is almost as much as the coach from london to spain!!!!! so im now looking for other options... i think it might be a coach which i really didnt want to do... but hey.

also been volunteered to go see an old dinner lady who lived opposite us for a long time, when we were over on jordo by my mum, cause she asked my mum to bring me round...
i dont mind that- toher than it will be very bizzare to do, and she's said ill do it sometime while im at home... like i havent already got enough to do...

i know that once im in the middle of it all ill be fine, but right now, i just want to go and hide myself away and hope that it will all sort itself out, because i feel very small and unable to handle this - in certain situations i thrive on this, but im also very aware that if i screw this up, which to be fair im wont to do, the consequences are huge. im not trying to shy off responsibility... but im under a hell of a lot of scrutiny here... im right under my parents noses for one, and they are so critical of everything i do.. i can't be good enough for them, and ive pretty much accepted that thats the way it will be, but to walk back into that is going to be very hard.

just had beans on toast. havent had it in ages... really nice....

am just sorting out a rehearsal schedule for recording 'broken reflections' which has been slightly hard but i think we're there now... its gonna be a lot of hard work but once its done ill be well chuffed...
im going to put one cover song on there.... what would people like to hear??

magister mundi sum

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks
forward. Unique
and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking.
Fine and strong
clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in
personality. Secretive.
Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always
thinking. Less talkative but
amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and
hard-hearted. If there is
a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up.
Hardly becomes angry
unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks
differently from others.
Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not
appreciates praises.
High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and
emotions. Romantic.
Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking.
High abilities.
Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to
control emotions.
Unpredictable


What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla


hmm... anyone agree/disagree?????

i ll post my analyses later... wonder what YOU think!

well, thats done... mick was on his way over to walkley to pick up his son, who lives about three roads down... so called at mine.

my room now looks very empty even though actually not *that* much has visibly gone.
im actually quite sad. in some ways i dont want to leave.. but i know i must.

the next thing that needs to go i think is my guitars and amp and books which are going up to Jacks. i can't however do anything else until i have acquired some boxes.

just finished all the nice things in my fridge off.. i had a little bit of single cream, some milk, a bannananananana yoghurt and a strawberry yoghurt, so i put the yoghurts in a glass, added the cream, mixed them together, added milk to fill the glass up, mixed it all together, wiht a teaspoon of soft demarara sugar to make my breakfast/lunch.

now i just need to move my box of fragiles off the bed and my guitars and then think of something chilled out to do wiht my afternoon as at the present moment im not really in a state to do anything....

im knackered now! want to go to bed again...
if you saw my room right now, you'd be thinking ARGH! - im the midst of packing up my room, - i seem to have acquired clothes... havent bought that much this year though.... got all my clothes bar some for next week packed, all my bedding bar my sheet which is on my bed for the sleeping bag... my video collection... just on my wardrobe now and going CRAZY!!!! luckily mick is gonna arrive in 10 minutes toshift a little of it, but my mum wants me to go to the shop for her and get styuff before there and in the 10 minutes it took for my dad to give me the message mick will be at the arts tower by now...

argh im stressed.

i fell asleep around midnight, and woke up at 4.41am. which isnt the best plan cause i can see my clock resetting itself... meaning i need a late night tonight, so i can wake up at 7.30 tomorrow, which is a decent time...
im not quite as Rargh as last night which is good... and i think i hae enough concentration to start packing.... im going to be throwing out some stuff i think, will need to take a trip to a tip sometime in the next couple of days... the closest to here is probably shirecliffe... dunno which ones open at the moment though... i pretty much have sorted whats going where... ive got enough to take to Jack's now. also got one carload sorted to go home... right now im going to sort out all of my art stuff [got an entire series of 'drawing and painting' magazines that my grandparents gave me before they moved to spain - my grandma being a damn good artist and all]... get down the stuff i want in one binder and then the rest can go to the tip, unless someone wants it in which case if you tell me before i throw it you can have it ....
i reckon i need 4 large boxes... 1 (maybe 2) for my video collection, 2 for all my booksone for my CD's and one for random loose junk/useful stuff/miscellaneous assorted items..... anyway.. sorting the art stuff...

will probably get lots of postds today as ill be bored as hell so feel free to distract me!

looks like theres a party here tonight too.... :S someones singing really out of tune in the pub (karaoke) and there are birds singing outside and really annoying me.. yet i want the fresh air the open window provides, and the coolness as the air blows, and i want to write poetry, and my ear hurts cause its broken again and i need to pack and i need to write my essays and i need to tidy up and if i actually stopped and thought then id probably work out whats making me so fidgety-mindedbut theres no guarentee id like that answer and then id just be fidgety minded and not very happy so what do i do?! i dont know if this post is even coherent and makes sense, im just typing as i think it and im not sure if thats a good thing or not, cause it might just make people think that im crazy... maybe i am... it might damage peoples opinions impressions and perspectives of me which wouldnt be a good thing, but it might be good and possibly helpful for myself, and maybe someone else but i dont know so im just going to stop now before i do any damage or whatever and keep out of the way.

im in the really annoying mood/mindset/place where im almost hyperactive in terms of concentration/boredom ie v little concentration and v low boredom threshold, and just generally really restless, and as a consequence irritating... it happens occasionally and theres bugger all i can do about it... i just have to try to find something to occupy me/turn my brain off until im tired and then i can just sleep it off... that in itself is a hard task!

grrrrrr!

just got back from stockport... my head is full of stuff to think through, but not right now. felt really ill on the way back as ive lost my sunglasses, and being sensitive to bright light i got a headache, which combined with twisty windy road at a (not illegal but fast) speed of a little more than necessary also make me feel a bit sick which was a total bummer, as i dont get travel sick anymore... and it was an absolutely gorgeous day for a drive... on the way out there saw a gorgeous waterfall coming off one of the tors in the dark peak, and ladybower was breathtaking - ive never seen it so calm... there was a perfect reflection on the water of the forest... i cant remember having driven that far across the reservoir in a long time. i would LOVE to go out there for a picnic or something, however, there is only one bus that goes vaguely out there and it passes the strines inn on the way to castleton. (oh and theres only one each way per day and they dont run on sundays) also saw a fair few bluebells which was a nice site to see, as they are quite rare now, and i was really lucky to have grown up next to some woods which have a hbuge field of them... also saw forget-me-nots for the first time ever (i know what they look like but id never seen them in the wild before) sot hat was nice.

really wanna do something fun with my eveningv to wind down after quite a hard day in some ways- lots of challenges - but im not sure what to do... right now though im gonna sing for half an hour or so to a cd...

well.. its ridiculously early, but im up.. need to be in crookes by 7.30am.

last night i endedc up spending most of the night tucked up in bed in an effort to keep warm and stave off being ill having been caught in the hail for 15 minutes earlier in the day and feeling it slightly... did some reading, but i was quite bored..
i dont feel too good this morning, but its more just feeling run down than anythign specific. just means i have to be a little careful this weekend and not get bogged down...

anyhow, had best go now, cause with getting ready and writing this its nearly quarter past 7 and its at least 15 minutes walk dependant on how slow i end up being...


will be back this evening but feel free to text me in the meantime!!!!

sara

hmmm.... ebuyer have half price delivery on at the moment... wonder if their HDD's are still fairly cheap... might get one then as delivery is then not extortionate

just rang my dad to see if i can get it delivered there if i ordered it which is fine and he's now told me that he doesnt think him and mick will be arriving on sunday to move some of my stuff but they might if they get back from hope fairly early and mick doesnt get too pissed during the snooker final at the magpie.... which is a bit frustrating cause it leaves me in the balance...


now im looking for nice things to buy on ebuyer and i cant have any till september... (xept a HDD cause im not sure this one will last too long.. will still keep it for a spare though... )

anyhoe.. im not going to be geeky this evening! im going to do something fun (although being geeky can be fun... )people are busy generally... might try and do some writing or something... i dunno.... am not sure what im in the mood to do...

new links added.... need to find something to do with my evening now that ive finished a good three hours ahead of schedule...

w00t! 2 essays down.... 4 to go... will have done another 2 at least before monday and then all by wednesday

now i can relax...

oooh i have a new IP..... exciting!

okay, my internet copnnection is like LIGHTNING at this present time... i dunno what the blueyonder people did but wow!

the last post was actually written at around 11qam, but our server was down for said blueyonder man to come and play with it...

as commented on Si's site... WHY IS EVERYONE TORTURING ME WITH JOSEPH?!?!?!?!
i now have this URGE to listen to it and sing everything... and having been in the national production twice, yes, i do know all of the words to everyones parts... the only problem with this, is that i dont have it... i have the score, but i aint singing it without backing... ;-)

i was talking with Jack on tuesday about dramatics and musicals and the suchlike, and we were talking about roles we'd played and things we'd acted in and what we'd like to do etc... i think in musicals... id like to play Eponine in Les Mis... i really wouldnt want to be Cosette... i would love to narrate Joseph... but im not fussed about big parts really... ... acting wise... havent done any shakespeare in a while, but we're going to set up a bit of an improv/am dram group in September to get back into it... basically a large room, some scripts and some forum theatre type stuff... starting wiht Macbeth... if anyone is interested in joining us then you're very welcome!

just got a call from PArk, my workplace this afternoon as well, in a crazy howmany people can i speak to on a phone in 10 minutes job... im working a full day on the second of June, on a 1 to 1 basis (which i think means i get paid extra more than normal) 9.30-4.30pm, which will be great for that week... it will be a very hard day though, as i havent done a one to one in a while, jack has however promised me something to do to chill out that day though as he'll have had an exam so it should be okay...


im really thankful for the guys up in lydgate court... theyve really kept me grounded this semester and made sure that i have broken up some really hard times of working with somehting fun..

Had Rich Tudor round for lunch today as well, it was FANTASTIC to see him... even if he's grown as well! [im a midget now... ] it was great to catch up after 4 years!

i should get another essay done this evening- have given up going to see Troy with chris and TK to get it finished... so will hopefully be doing something to celebrate this evening...

my CD ROM drive is about to die... not too fussed as i have a DVD rom waiting to be installed... but i didnt want to put it in till AFTER my exams, or thne i have DVD's to watch as well... :S anyhow.. it feels like it might thunder, in which case sod the essay for a couple of hours as its writing wearther... which will make up for me being hailed on earlier.... which really really hurt as i had completely bare arms and a bit of a bare back as well.. :S


oh and as a treat to myself, i bought me some flowers... freesias...

hello! i betyou're all loving the fact that i hardly posted yesterday......

well... in case i hadnt mentioned it, last night i went to see evanescence...
it started by meeting Jack and Paul outside uni, adn we then went into town - they went into wargames emporium for half an hour and i sat on a bench in Orchard Square - normally i would hvae gone in with them, but i fancied the time alone to be honest...cause i wasnt feeling totally at ease. so we then met a very bouncy TK and headed off to the number one chinese buffet... where we remained for an hour and a half and added chris and christine to our party. Hendryx then rang to say he was in town, so he joined us, and we headed off to the arena... there was a real battle going on in my head at this point, and it was horrible... so i disappeared for an hour or so, went and found the nearest field (it was actually the don valley bowl) climbed to the top of the hill and kicked things for a bit and generally went GRRRR (and a few other noises) and then returned... cause we'd been good and queued where the nice security people had told us to, we were then made to queue properly and we were at the front almost, with the other people who had also been good. we then met up with the delays... there were one or 2 problems soundchecking, and we lost a band in the process, but to be fair no big loss...
so we began with Seether, who i honestly have to admit i didnt think would be as good as they were, and i certainly wasnt expecting the genre they play! - i think i will be buying that album... its kinda in the nickelback/creed/reef/pearl jam kind of genre but theres a fantastic undercurrent of metallica in there as well, so all credit to them.... they played together so well, and their stage presence was very good, as well as giving a darned good live performance, one song was them + Amy Lee, which id heard before already, but to hear it live was amazing... id actually not made the association in my head that it was Seether until they started it... so that was a highlight...
after Seether, we had a quick stage change, for which the stage crew werent too bad, but you definately tell that they hadnt gelled as a team yet, which to be fair, first date of a summer tour.. is expected...
also had really dodgy moment number two of the night when jack managed to really really upset me completely unintentionally and then got really pissed off that i wouldnt speak to him. in actual fact, i was refusing to speak to him because if i had he would have gotten something that he really didnt deserve and even though i KNEW he didnt mean it in the same ways it had been meant before it still hurt. but we sorted that out and i explained and then he felt really bad even though he had no reason to...
Then we had Evanescence... they were really really good... i dont feel able to review them as such... but i can try... as you would imagine some of the songs were pitched lower than on the album, and most of the songs were taken from Fallen, but there were two from before that and a completely new song... Evanescence live were a lot more driven (i dont want to use the word heavier there.. but thats kind of appropriate too) than on the album, and this really brought out Amy Lee's vocal skills, and power. It was one of the best gigs ive been to in a long time... the arrangements of the songs were quite different from that of the album, and for me, even though i hated the song at first, hearing a packed arena singing 'my immortal' was music... it was a fairly short set, but that didnt spoil it...
my personal highlight would have to be the last three songs before the encore (for which its the biggest shout for one ive heard... now my positioning in the building may have distorted that slightly... whitesnake and maiden /might/ have been louder but it was close) 'bring me to life' - which was done VERY differently to the album version specially the intro - this is a song i love for a lot of reasons that are very different to everyone else i think... (im always really wary of admitting to liking songs that everyone else knows and goes crazy at cause then it just seems like im joining in the hype... im not here... ) this went immediately into 'Tourniquet' which is just an awesome song, and in that combination with the previous song ... wow... this then went into 'imaginary', as it does on the 'fallen' album, but it had a much greater effect doing this live...
so yeah...

not really sure what else to say... its jsyt started rainging and rich tudor is coming for lunch... the broadband is also getting upgraded today...

as for whether i enjoyed seeing evanescence more than i would have enjoyed stomp... id have much rather been able to do both! - i cant say one more than the other cause it was a different kind of enjoyment... both are rewarding... in different ways...

just to be vaguely girly for a minute... as you now im going o see evanesence this evening, and we're going out for late lunch/early tea... now we're all going 'alternative' style, and id decided how i would look a while ago, however, last night i had a bit of a quandry about it... and so rang Jack and TK for advice.. this morning i completely ignored that advice and wore the other outfit. think the other would have been a bit too muchfor lunch as well as the gig...

okay, girly bit over. not entirely sure why i needed to say that!

am quite tired this morning... which isnt /that/ surprising as i was up till a little later than i was intending, thanks to a great evening on msn last night...
however, despite the tiredness, im feeling quite well... usually if im tired when i wake up i have a bad day with things... but today doesnt look to be too bad! which is well nice!

anyhow... im writing the other Joseph scripts now purely for closure today... and looking forwards to the chinese food to come and hopefully a gig that wont make my hearing any worse!

im hoping that we'll get some pictures today as it could be funny...
it wont be as funny as my trigger happy moment on TK's palmtop however... FUNKYCHUNKYCLUNCKYDUNKYBUNKYMONKEY!

i was going to say something... but ive forgotten.

im still covered in glitter...
i feel a bit deflated to be honest...which is a shame...gonna try not to dwell on it though, and just have a nice evening instead...

im in one of those bizzare moods at the moment... im anticpating something but i dont know what...
also realised that i have quite bad sunburn today... dont know how... oh wait...i was walking out in the sun a fair bit... philly to hillsborough across the length of crookes twice.. that would explain it...

well, have spent the afternoon in the childrens barn trying to be a genius and hang up some posters without relying on only blu-tak and without the aid of drawing pins, or tacks... have kind of managed it... but now i can't reach to hang the rest.....

went for breakfast with hendryx this morning which was nice... am also moniless as i was given an old 5 pound note yesterday which i have to take to the bank to get it changed so until i get a cashpoint im stranded, which means ill be going to jacks via hillsborough... then i pass a cashpoint and can get a 52 up to crookes.

im covered in glitter at the moment.... GRRRR!

am about to set off to go to salisbury road for breakfast with matthew.
also gonna have to take some painkillers as the second half of my third wisdom tooth is finally coming through, and its quite painful...
must also look today at getting to/from london to go to spain... i have to be AT victoria coach station for 9.30am on the 12th June, and return at 16.50 on the 30th.

i dont really want to do a coach down there and back as well... but a coach would mean i dont have to trek across london with all my stuff... im also quite wary about booking a fixed time return trip, cause if i do then i know the coach will be late coming back... but i also dont want to book it and allow several hours for said coach to /be/ late, cause then it wont be and ill be stuck in london by myself for several hours......

whatever i do i must work it out soon, or its going to be mega expensive... anyhow, must go take on a hill now...

im quite tired now.. i dont need to sleep but im tired... have done some more on the site.. i now have three potential designs... so i dunno...

i think im going to have to be a little bit careful with my neck for a few days... it started grumbling at me last night. my ears have also gone again... im down to 60% in one ear so if you talk to me and i dont hear you im sorry! think that might be to do with the weather/pressure though..

tomorrow morning im having breakfast with Matthew Hendrisckse which will be fun, then into philly for a bit, and then im gonna househunt in the afternoon i think...

thursday sees a trip to the number1 in town for lunch/tea and then off to evanescence, friday who knows! saturday im goign to stockport, and then sunday im HOPING that someone will be around to help me shift some stuff around as i only really have this weekend and next weekend to move things... i did ask my dad two weeks ago to see if mick would be around to drive me some stuff to my parents and up to crookes this sunday.. but ive not heard anything from him which is annoying. friday i might well go hunting for boxes to pack with actually... ive not got that much stuff to be honest, which is nice, i just have some stuff that needs space... ie my guitars... theres probabaly around 2 carfuls (for a 4door hatchback, 3 for a fiesta type car) altogether but the guitars are almost a trip on their own.. will start walking those up to crookes soon though as thats where theyre going... i cant move it all at once though - like ill need my pc and my sleeping bag, and three days worth of clothes and my uni work stuff (a few books) right up until the 30th may...

anyhow.. hope you're well,

sara

guess what?!

ive written an essay!!!!!! my self assessment of the year- its not a long essay, but the fact that i have done it, is great, and means ill hopefully be able to breakthrough and do the rest of them!

lalalalalala :D

i wonder how long this can last!
i woke up at 7am and felt ROTTEN... - it was that whole someone cut the grass yesterday and you left your window open overnight and wake up with a sore throat rotten... but i got up and it had gone after 10 minutes, so i was able to really enjoy being up early- as a result, i've got a workable design for my site now- a little bit of inspiration there i think... just need to work out one or two design issues, but sort out some pics and scan in some art and we're sorted- heck at this rate it will be up and running on the 1st of June!

i stayed up quite late- i have another new friend (thats like 4 in a year now!!!)- a mate of Richard Tudor's at uni, who has decided to become an internet DJ- he has great taste! so we were all chatting, and then i ended up trying final fantasy VII (thanks to Richard Green [like i said- there are too many of them!!!]) it totally wasnt what i was expecting, but is quite cool... took me a little while to get the hang of the controls, but i got to the first save point and hadnt done too badly i dont think, so i may well have another attempt at it tonight after prayers... :) i might read the instructions as well mind... ;-)

im currently writing the next exciting instalment of 'Joseph' for Stomp - we've ended up having a comic-style weekly play for this series, and seeing as the next one is due thursday id better write it today - i wot be there on thursday as ill be moshing away to Evanescence at the Arena[no way will i EVER call it by its proper name... cause it sucks!] but it will be great - i will also try and write weeks 1 and three and six as well, so we have a complete story to use... so why am i not writing it now? im waiting for a little bit more inspiration (and eating a banananananana-hey hey goodbyena)its good be doing something that other people have hopefully enjoyed taking part in and watching... i admit the jokes are terrible.... but hey! anyhow, enough from me.. have just remembered the other thing i need to do this morning as well... (tho to be fair i will be in most of the week... )

also looking forwards to hopefully seeing Rich Tudor this weekend sometime, as he's up for the weekend from birmingham...

anyhow, im going!

well, what can i say...

today has been fantastic! i feel so blessed - the sun was out (i *must* be feeling happy for that to be a good thing!) the work went well, tea tasted good... even if i say so myself, and the company was great - it was really nice just to do something nice and simple and laidback and have some good conversation - something i do miss... for a lot of reasons today has been a day where im glad to be here... im almost scared to hope that things might be finally starting to get better...

i honestly can't remember the last time i felt like this! - a lot of people have contributed to this, and i would list them, but i know that i'd leave someone out... and its actually a fairly long list, and you can probably guess who you are, so thank you.

another thing that ive just noticed - im currently writing what seems to be a thesis on discipline in childrens work... (just answering some questions really) and whilst looking at it... its just struck me how discipline if you pronounce the second 'i' as 'eye' you then get discipling - very useful insight !

just thought that i woudl share that... kinda similar to matt's revelation about the word 'hear'.

a random thing thats been bugging me all morning...
dunno if anyone can clear this one up....

im pretty sure that i read somewhere that hair only grows while you're at rest ie. asleep. if thats true, then does that mean that men who recede from an early age dont get much sleep?? does that mean that if you slept for an extended period, eg cause you were ill that you would grow more hair than usual? and how does that work for me- a periodic insomniac who has the number of hairs of an average light blonde person, but the thickness of a redhead...? also.... did the people on Shattered not grow very much hair in that week??
AND... if you had your hair cut in a style you didnt like... would an extended time of sleeping lots mean that you would grow it out quicker?!?!?!

such are the ways of my brain!

if you think i need to get out more then let me know!!!!!

hehehe... typical- i start thinking about abbie, and guess who texts me! yep the girl herself... theyve sorted out what they would like me to sing at the wedding...
and ive said yes. (which im sure that alex will be pleased to hear) In the ilk of such things though it does mean that im going to have to go shopping... (ugh) for something nice to wear...
again i have a lot i would like to say right now... but im just having a break while its lunchtime ish...
maybe later.

this morning is gorgeous, and im quite happy, if covered in bites, which isnt so good, but what the hey i guess....

i got my tidying up done, and even managed to start writing a couple of letters, which has been great- im still waiting on one from my grandparents, which has been on its way for over a month now, and as someone pointed out to me, its only 3 and a half weeks until i go! thats actually quite scary, as i still havent found anywhere to live yet...
i have to admit that im beginning to look forwards to going now, even if on one hand its really bad timing, and there are some people that im really going to miss...but i know that they'll be here when i get back... i was trying to wangle seeing abbie at some point while im away, but i dont think that that will be possible to be honest, which is a big shame, as its now January since i last saw her - a long time... one thing i was thinking about this morning was how actually the last four years looking back on it have been hard in terms of my friendship with her, but actually if they hadnt happened i dont know that we'd be friends now... the beginning of that was leaving KC - suddenly, with the end of seeing abbie practically every day at school, having accountability on a saturday and church on sunday, it went to seeing her twice a week, maybe three times... and as we got into doing the whole sixth form thing and i began to establish myself at St T's we got used to seeing less of each other, but still having a really strong friendship- this was good preperation for her year out with DNA... where i spoke to her every week on the phone and saw her every 6 weeks, which was again very hard, but also, i saw more of her that year than her parents or anyone else from sheffield, because we had decided to have that kind of friendship... this was good preperation for what was to follow... upon her return from Hertford i thought 'fantastic she's back!' and then it dropped that actually, it wasnt permanant... but the three months she was back was excellent for giving us some quality time together before her move to Weymouth. - without those things happening...a) she wouldnt be getting married... b) her moving away from sheffield would have potentially wrecked our friendship- as it is i speak to her at least once a week, and while i dont get to see her as much because actually getting to weymouth is very hard/expensive, she's still my best friend and will be forever, although her getting married, will again change things... but thats okay....

the point of that ramble is that one of said letters is to abbie :D
im also gonna write to Rich (not abbies rich), my grandparents and a coupel of other people i havent heard from in a while...

there are a lot of things that im learning about at the moment... it's all good. :)

anyhow- back to work!!!!

this is well surreal... one of my songs is on internet radio... something i really wasnt expecting.. ! well confusing cause i thought that my winamp had kicked back in...

ack i have my new site design! thing is i dunno how to link frames together yet.... (if im honest id rather not use them at all... but i was playing... )am gonna have a go in a little while with designing the same thing but none frames... and then ill need to book the scanner at uni (as i currently dont have one and my dad's mobo is on its way out...though i will nick his digital camera too to take some decent pics ) to scan in the latest art for the gallery... i also need to check out how to move the blog over to there...
firstly though gonna have a tidy... put my wet shorts and top on the radiator etc...

as predicted i itch, its more sunburn than anything at the moment, and im not really burnt!!!! for once though the tops of my arms have gone brown.. i dont really care about that kind of thing at all but i noticed earlier... tomorrow is monday, meaning admin duties :D woot! then its off to the shops as Richard is coming round for tea and im going to cook properly which will make a nice change :)

oh yeah - i was painting earlier... i now have a nice matt black spray painted phone :) im gonna paint a design on the back - i was fed up of it being plain!!!!

just spent an hour by/in the pool with the rest of my house... caught the sun after 20 mins which is normal but hey...
also managed to give myself grass rash... which is gonna itch for the rest of the day now but never mind- it'll only be a nuicance when i go to bed... have begun on the 'my life story' page of my site... the title is slightly misleading really as it isnt quite that... and im not sure that will ever be avaliable to the general public... but the general thing is right...

i think im actually going to make my site this afternoon... -ive had a few ideas for it on previous occasions, and i was gonna take my book on web design to spain with me and design it on paper but i think for my prototype im just gonna say to hell wiht it and use the evil frontpage...

this also means ill need a host for it... but im hoping that with the new house will come broadband... meaning that hopefully ill get some webspace, and then www.dot.tk can sort my nice address.... and it will be up and running by mid july...

even if i dont sort out any of the aesthetics today i can begin the content...
i have a few paper designs of how i want it to look so im not as concerned with that at the moment, although it will be really frustrating to try and page what appears on the screen look like my drawing!!!

ive harped on about this for ages and ages i know, but havent gotten anywhere seemingly... well, thats not entirely true... i do have a first draft up on geocities...
it takes so long because actually i have to learn a lot of this stuff as i go along, due to having never had I.T as a lesson at school... (how i managed that pre GCSE im not sure...other than we had control in Y9- which used logo and a couple of other programs to make the robot travel on the white line :D) so i dont think i do too badly :)
i can understand HTML, and im getting there with style sheets....

content wise... well, it will have my blog.. a gallery, for my various written efforts, my poetry, and my art (if i ever do any more) a section for my music - if only to give some of my compositions an airing... maybe a couple of samples of my singer/songwriter stuff.. , a couple of unnamed as yet sections but i know whats going in them, and a generic hello page...

speaking of ISP's though could do with looking into them..

gah. just got outbid on the platinum boxset - its up to 60 quid now... so im backing off... even if it is sealed and never been opened...

got up at 9.30...
trying to find the patches for Heroes II but upon searching found that 3DO went out of business at the end of 2003... can find patches for the expansion packs and heroes III and IV.... it seems as well that Ubisoft have taken over the franchise and are working on Heroes V which will be fantastic... but i want these patches!!!!! im fed up of it trying to crash on me... so i think instead im going to try final fantasy for PS1 and leave heroes along, lest i get very frustrated! its not like the game is even hugely old!!! (and yes, i should be doing work today... but im gonna work at nights - i work better... )

looks like im watching the sunrise too....
its going to be a nice day by the looks of it...
ive now woken up.... lol.
the cup of tea will help in a little while and ill get to sleep... im just hoping that my late night adventure wont have done any damage...

i dunno... i have mixed feelings about this kind of late night escapade - on the one hand, it will be nice to knoq ill be able to get good nights sleep but i will miss it when im gone...
well, im going to try some more of the game.. which crashed earlier... not to worry...

then to sleep

well, i was right... the boys came back v slaughtered having been to poptarts... and theyd decided to take a dip in the paddling pool... chris has a fantastic slap mark from where he tried to leap on me soaking wet...

he then dared me to get in the pool.... dangerous thing to dare really, so i did, and im now soaking wet, as was chris (again :-D )and chris has 3 more handprints to go with the original one...
im now going to find something to sleep in as my PJ's are soaking and get to sleep now the noise has died down a bit...

just realised jack has my bracelet... oh well,as long as he doesnt lose it.. - its silver and foreign... so kind of irreplaceable...
cup of tea required now i think... make sure i dont get a chill...

got in around 15 minutes ago... after all that we didnt even use the skewers... kept wondering on the way home if i was going to get pulled over by the police for weilding an offensive weapon.. but i didnt.

in the end i sat and painted for a few hours... the boys had a game and TK and Gina played chess.Paul is still being off with me and im not entirely sure why... im putting it down to Gina- not her as a person but just cause theyre going out and Paul is trying really hard... i know what i mean there but can't explain it too well...

Today and yesterday have been really hard... and i can kind of see why - thursday was very much a day of reflecting on just how good some things have gotten from a little while ago, and obviously there is a spanner attempting to be thrown in the works... but the thing is this: no matter how crap a day, theres always something good about it.

Today, i saw an awesome sunset - the sky was all sorts of colours, and the light was being thrown across the horizon and reminded me of just how intricate God is, and also how fleeting and insignificant we are, and yet actually God cared enough to make us all unique and intricate too...
I also have 2 great friends who have encouraged me and made me smile today, reminding me that actually i dont have to bear this on my own any more, even if the habit is to run and do just that.

for these things i am thankful.

and another thing... i didnt realise just how big this was at the time, and it may seem really insignificant to anyone else, but Chris (Jack's housemate) gave me a huge compliment earlier- i was painting my army and he said that they look really good and i should go play them at the shop sometime (he works at Games Workshop) - from him that is an amazing compliment, as his painting is of a professional standard...


and now im gonna play my game some more, because i can't sleep - plus Dan and Chris are out and so will be loud/bleeding when they return and id like to just sleep when i go to bed... not be woken up...

have just called home from the barbeque to pick up some stuff to pain and some alcohol. am just waiting for the CD im burning of cheese to finish...
the boys are going ot have a game of 40k and i will not cope being left with the girls, specially as one of the two girls really doesnt like me- and its not me being paranoid there... so im going to take my army and carry on painting for the evening... plus paul wants his impy guard arm back...
anyhow its done...
off back uip the hill... went and watched the sunset on the way down though- it was amazing... so at least oine good thing happened today.
tomorrow will be better.

okay, so today has become one of those days where anythign that can go wrong does, and everyone seems to be against you. the latest thing ive just done is to completely ruin a quilt,a bra and a top... i decided to have some chocolate milk, took the lid off and the foil and then went downstairs ... came back up... forgot what id done, shook said bottle and threw chocolate milk all over myself the floor and the bed- got it out of the carpet straight away but now have a chocolate stained pink top. - the amusing side is that i dont like pink... but that isnt the point.

ive decided i shouldnt have got out of bed today. i have to head out in 10 minutes now as well... which you can guarentee will not be an enjoyable experience.

excuse me if i sound pissed off. im at that border of getting REALLY angry or bursting into tears and right now i dont want to do either. im going to get ranted at for an hour while im at lydgate court- about anythign going, especially about the state of the postal service... normally it wouldnt matter but at this precise moment its going to seem very personal and directed at me and theres nothing i can do about it- i know that im going to leave there feeling crushed and hurting and im not going to like that, but all i can hope for is that its not that bad.

there are a lot of unsaid things here - obviously.. if i read it through it probably wouldnt make that much sense but maybe someone will understand.

maybe not.

well, i just got lots of very strange stares on my way to the shop...

maybe when you go to the shop and buy 2 tins of baked beans, 12 yoghurts 5 pints of chocolate milk, and a bag of minicheddars people start to wonder just why you need such things...

well...

ive rediscovered chocolate milk... i used to hate it- and i only ever drank strawberry yazoo.. but ive gotten back into the chocolate version now, AND it is amazing with Tia Maria in...
yoghurts are part of my staple diet - having been calcium deficient since i was quite little (which is why i have strange markings on my teeth according to my dentist)and not liking milk on its own too much (am supposed to have the equivalent of like 3 pints of milk a day...) i rely on yoghurts cause i dont eat cheese very much...
minicheddars for lunch when im not in... and the beans cause i hadnt got any left...

the old woman behind me in the queue turned around to the old woman behind her and said "tsche, young people these days- dont know vegetables if it hit them in the face"... .

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR anyone thats ever been catered for by me will know that is NOT the case... it really annoys me that just because i didnt buy any vegetables or fruit (i did want some fruit, but all they had was oranges) that i obviously dont know what they are, or use them....

as it happens, i have shallots in my fridge at the moment, and im going to safeway on monday on my way home from philly, caus ei dont see the point in buying veg now, when im not going to use it until monday - then its got 2 days more life and wont have to be thrown away (like the courgette and chilli and carrot i threw this morning) because i havent eaten it.

oh and while im at it - to the people (who im not going to name and shame) who enjoy taking the mick out of my page and myself - SHUT THE HELL UP - it *isn't* funny, or clever, and i know that in responding ive played right into your hands because you're trying to get a rise out of me - well i hope it makes you feel great for around 10 seconds of your life, cause im not gonig to waste anymore time being mad at you...
after some of whats happened i really don't care what you think anymore, which is a shame... but hey, since when did respect ever matter to you?

to everyone else: i apologise for that, but it needed to be said as i had emailed the persons in question asking politely to stop, but to no avail.


so if anyone else wants a pop- bring it.