okay... heres a real post from me.

posts this week have been very scatty and short and i apologise.
i havent been well.

monday evening i came down with some nasty symptoms. i think it was a flu virus type thing and its kinda cleared up now... still a bit fuzzy in the head and a very weak voice but otherwise able to concentrate and sit up... ive hardly been out this week.
uni was out on tuesday due to monday nights banging headache and extreme diziness combined with a temp that was around 5 degrees celsius higher than normal (my normal body temp being 34 degrees instead of the norm.. dunno y) tho i did venture out tuesday night for some fresh air to see if that would help, and i think it did a little bit, and if not then it was the getting out of the house. i dont cope with being bedbound well at all... i hate it. anyhow. i /had/ to go out on wednesday, cause of the hospital appointment, which you have the just of anyhow, so i wont go into that, and so i went to lecture to see what was going on there and then went to lunch with my dad as i really didnt want to go home and go back to bed, but i did after that, and stayed there too feeling labsolutely exhausted, until thursday evening, when i had number one of my bday celebrations. this being in honour of abbie and rich, who needed to do something while rich was still up here, and they wanted to go bowling anyhow so figured combining that with a curry was the way to go, so the three of us and chris went bowling, and then met jack (a last minute addition) at weatherspoons to go to the curry club which was also fun, but i overdid it slightly and am really knackered and quite ill again today, tho just more with mundane things than exciting things like headaches and dizziness and tingling...
however today ive strarted on my portfolio for the bible and the arts.... got two of the paintings done (not painted... just reviewed :) ) and the other one i need to find this weekend
tomnorrow tho im going to help lizzie and han sort out setting up the YA celebration as im not going to the worship skills day at church- dont see the point tbh...
dont know if im gonna go to connect either come to think of it... i guess we'll see

sunday im going to see status quo at the city hall which rocks! went last year too :)
anyhow.... how are you?

yey! the net is fixed and is now like lightning!!!!!

woohoo!

well... it was good.
people got on with one another..
we bowled.. my finger was the only thing to dislocate and we all did fairly well
we did end up being late meeting jack tho... as stupid ppl at hollywood bowl had messed up the booking so we had to go to AMF which was still fun.. but we met jack and enjoyed curry :)

anyhow. tired. sleep. stuff to do tomorrow.
night.

at uni......
going bowling and for curry this evening.
yum....

well...
i went to the hospital, who are officially discharging me as there isnt anythign else they can do.
the following has been established from the gastroscopy and barium meal and bloods.

- i dont have crohm's disease
- i dont have colaieac (sp?) disease
- im a bit anaemic
- i have inflammation markers in my blood
- have random organisms in my tummy (which shouldnt be causing a problem)
- im not gluten intolerant

so theyre stumped. which is okay i guess...
just need to get on with things. its been a heck of a year tho in some ways...

ok. feel slightly better than yesterday.
slept most of this morning.
woke up to find that theyre calling me back to the hospital tomorrow after all... after cancelling my appointment. worries me slightly.
spent 20 mins on fone to jack this evening too :) 15 minutes was him apologising for being useless... bless... he aint useless...
oh yeah...
names...
well we are officially called darkstar.
website coming soon. am working on the artwork for it atm.. tho the website design itself is gonna be the harder of the 2 things to finish.. still it wil get done..... and yeah.. we're aware that there are some americans called that too... but apparently they have no credibility and no copyright issues there... tho there arent any anyhow unless by some weird events we became vaguely famous.

well today i slept through most of uni... then spent 3 hours downstairs on the sofa laid out in a sleeping bag... and now im back at bed...

ok. feel slightly better than yesterday.
slept most of this morning.
woke up to find that theyre calling me back to the hospital tomorrow after all... after cancelling my appointment. worries me slightly.
spent 20 mins on fone to jack this evening too :) 15 minutes was him apologising for being useless... bless... he aint useless...
oh yeah...
names...
well we are officially called darkstar.
website coming soon. am working on the artwork for it atm.. tho the website design itself is gonna be the harder of the 2 things to finish.. still it wil get done..... and yeah.. we're aware that there are some americans called that too... but apparently they have no credibility and no copyright issues there... tho there arent any anyhow unless by some weird events we became vaguely famous.

well today i slept through most of uni... then spent 3 hours downstairs on the sofa laid out in a sleeping bag... and now im back at bed...

feeling really ill today.
have been 'coming down with something' since last wednesday so to have held it of till now is actually impressive for me (at least since my immune systen last went down) but i woke up this mornign feeling quite shocking. am just hoping that it isnt flu.....

also need to sort fone bill out... along with the £14 call to abbie.... oops...
prolly gonna go to bed soon. my head is pounding and i ache everywhere. and i have a sore throat. grrr
need to make a phone call first...

sara

i just found out that tony capstick has died.
thats a shame... he was a cool guy. and a yorkshire lad... played a copper in last of the summer wine, and was also in corrie and emmerdale a bit too.... i used to listen to his radio show on radio sheffield before they sacked him cause of 'dropping ratings' (personally radio sheff had got crap.. and it wasnt his fault)
a good man... will be missed by many i reckon.

sara

I am 69% Tortured Artist

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

Thanks to Icey for this (see links on left) its filled a bit of time... hope you dont mind me nickin it lol!


What is your name: Sara Louise Smith (eugh)
Nicknames: you want the affectionate ones or the given ones??? okay...
sara_lou, tawtami, bramley, granny smith, sahara, saharabarmuda, bermuda shorts, que sara sara, helga, heidi, princess leia, cousin it, there are others... sure they can be worked out

Single or taken: single
Sex: female
Birthday: nov 10 1983
Where do you live: in my own little world... oh you mean really? sheffield uk
Sex or ice-cream: guitars.
What colour underwear you got on right now: nosey! black if you really really must know
What u doing right now: nothing im bored as hell, hence filling this in.
What was the last thing you did: went to the bank to find it was shut, came back made lunch, lit candles for heat, and this....
What is right next to you: three candles, one pillar, one in a glass thats vanilla, another little pillar candle on a frosted glass base (rose scented) on the other side my mouse
What is your computer desk made of: wood...
Who was the last person you ate out with: ed prolyl, at xpool tavern
If you were a toy what would you be: a slinky
Where would u want to go on your honeymoon: for a honeymoon thered have to be a marriage.... so lets ideal holiday destination is canada or new zealand
Who would you want to spend the rest of your life with:
How many buddies do u have on your list: msn=51
How’s the weather right now: blustery autumn day
Have you ever smoked pot: no
Last person you spoke to on the phone: speaking now! to abbieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
Last person who txt u: jo godfrey
Last person u txt: jo godfrey
What’s your ring tone: enter sandman
What do you most admire: ummm......
What do you think a toblarone is: swiss chocolate with honey and nougat in
Fave m&m: m
Dream date: dunno... not something i spend a lot of time considering
Age: 20 v soon
Hair colour: blonde
What are you wearing right now: clothes.... jeans and a top
Eye colour: blue in summer, green in winter
Height: 5.9-10""ish
Do u wear contacts: nope
What school do you attend: 1989-1995: hazlebarrow primary, 1995-2000, meadowhead secondary, 2000-2002 tapton VI form 2002-2005 sheffield uni.
Who do you consider your closest/best friend: abbieeeeeeee

What was the best advice given to you: "dont let stupid comments by stupid people drag you down and scare you away from what you can achieve" the late, and sadly missed Mr Marsden,
also some nice things written in my leaving book
Dream vehicle: something that will carry me, my guitars, and amps, and enough room to sleep in...
Have you ever won a special award: sheffield female discus champion :) there are others but i dont want to make a list...
What are your future goals: be nice to my friends, try harder, not be boring
Fave food: anything with lots of veg that ive cooked myself...
Fave film: hard one... ONE of my favourite films is erik the viking. other favourite films include R.DeNiro, E.Murphy, J.Chan, D Ackroyd, M Brooks
Last film you saw: ghostbusters
Last film at cinema: dunno... prolly somewhere round.. die another day twas ages ago
Fave day of the year: dec 21
Fave month: october
Do u like to dance: no
Are you too shy to ask somebody out: yup
If you could change ure name what wud it be: something people didnt get wrong all the time.
Worst sickness you ever had: prolyl chicken pox when i had it (was almost 15.. was ill for over a month with it...) cant count current things...
Do u sleep naked: not usually
Have you ever been in love: doubtful
What is the most stupid thing you've ever done?: well... there wasthe time i walked upi the middle of ringinglow road into oncoming traffic.... there are more stupid things too... going upstairs on one rollerskate was pretty stupid.... got the scar to prove that..... :S not mentioning the more stupid things.
What will your first sons name be: see honey moon question. no marriage, no kids, might not be able to have any anyhow, so y think about it.
First daughter: as above
Fave drink: depends.
Do u like scary movies or happy movies: sci fi. or really bad b movies
Xmas or Easter: neither
Lust or love: its all a load of codswallop
Kisses or hugs:hugs
Female friends: i have some
Male Friends: i have more
If you could change one thing what would it be:in me, in the world??? id prolly stabalise the climate in sheffield a little
Fave songs: breakthru- queen, couple o creed songs, couple from musicals... hard category
What colour r u pajamas: summer ones are grey, winter ones are cream
What’s colours ure toothpaste: red white and blue
Fave board game: dunno... not palyed any in years properly... no partner
Fave part of opposite sex: prolly their ability to hug
Worst feelings in the world: indesiciveness... faliure... depression.... guilt... etc...
Fave sound:a proper choir singing in nice acoustics
What’s the first thing you think in the morning: eugh
Roller coaster-scary or exciting: y not both?
How many rings before you answer the phone: depends whgich phone and who it is...
What was ure first car: if i ever get one i can drive ill let you know
If you could meet one person, dead or alive: dunno
Fave quote: "its the end of the world as we know it...."
What’s ure zodiac sign: scorpio
If you could have any job in the world what would it be: interior designer/church history sociohistoric correllator/achaeologist
Is the glass half empty or half full: broken
Are you lefty, righty or ambidextrous: ambi
Whats under ure bed: floor cushions
Whats ure fave number: dx/dy
What are ure fave sports: to play or watch? to play, volleyball, badminton, ultimate frisbee/vortex to watch, ice hockey, figure skating, US football
Chocolate, white or milk? hersheys cookies and cream or any lindt/milka bar dont really like chocolate other than that
Root beer or dr.pepper?: dr pepper
mud or jelly wrestling? : mud- its opaque
Vanilla or chocolate: what? candles? vanilla definately... paint... prolly a mix of the two...
Skiing or boarding: cant do any
Day or night: night
Summer or winter: autumn
Cake or pie?: flan
Silver or gold?: silver
Diamond or pearl?: pearl... much prefer semi precious tho....
Sunset or sunrise?: either...
Have you ever broken a bone: yup. left metatarsal going down a water slide in germany wheni was 11.
Do you wear any rings: not on a regular basis
Do you hate anyone: yep
Do you believe in fighting: in self defense
What are ure fave music artists?: hard question.
What do you dream about: usually things that have happened to me. other than that i dont.
Do u have a huge crush on someone right now: nope
Whos the loudest out of ur friends: shirtwise, dave,
Whos the quietest: i dunno..!
Who do u turn to for advice: the north..... this is getting tedious now.
Whos the first to ask if ur alright: anyone and everyone recently... and yeah it pisses me off couse its not usually genuine
Who do u tell ur dreams to: noone
If you could have one skill in life: tact
Who are your top 5 best friends? : this question is flawed
Where is your favorite place to shop: depends what i need... im hardly going to go to a butchers for a swimming costume am i!
Do you do drugs?: nope. well.. calpol.. it being the only thing i can actually take
What are you scared of: long list of things
What are you listening to right now?: savage garden- truly madly deeply, and chad kroeger, hero
Where do you want to get married?: who said i want to get married?

Favourites:

Color: purple
Subjects in school/college: history, physics, chemistry, music, drama
CD or Tape?: mp3cd
Animals: um... my 'pet' hamster (ty abbie)

Have You Ever....

Given someone a bath: babies, dogs..
Smoked: nope
Bungee jumped?: no
Broken the law?: not to my knowledge
Gone skinny dipping?: nope, unless you count having a bath...

First Thing That comes to mind...

Red:hat linux (oh my goodness... i cant believe that was actually my first thought...)
Cow: milk
Grass: green
Zebra: stripes
Socks: knee
Dumb: deaf

Who would you hate being locked in a room with?: myself
How would you spend the last hour on earth? prolly wondering if i could have done it any better..



gah! that was long!

the world is a weird place at times... like at the moment.
theres something that in dont want to be involved with at the moment and i cant seem to get away from it... typical. its doing my head in.

im also feeling completely overlooked as well... like there are things i can do, and i know i can do, and i think there are prolly other people who know i could do them and be good at it, and yet im never asked or considered... theres more than one thing i can think of there...

maybe im just frustrated....

had a really weird dream last night....

i dreamt that id disappeared for 3 months and noone knew that id gone until i got back... and then i went and found all the people who'd given me grief and apologised for whatever it was id done that had made them hate me so much, and then i went and found my friends and thanked them for their friendships and apologised that i wasnt a better friend, and then jumped onto a palomino that was standing outside someones house and rode off into the sunset.

am feeling quite conspired against today.
went for a walk earlier- down onto infirmary road and back, for no real reason other than id said that i would drop matt parkins my evenescence cd in.

i got up at around 12.30 this afternoon.
will prolly be back in bed in an hour or so...
one or two bits and pieces to do... an email to send etc... and then go back to sleep.
because i can.

okay...
this post is going to be about band...
firstly, ed, are we keeping our name??? ie, can i tell anyone yet??
/me would like to announce it!

okay well... where are we at the moment???
busy rehearsing!!!!!

cooky (bass) is getting up to speed on the songs
jack (drums/backing vox) is raring to go, just not raring to give me his number!!!!!!
ed (guitars) is sounding good, and his claim is that his new head (for his 1/2 stack) sounds lovely!
me (vox/acoustic guitars) sounding surprisingly good (even though /im/ saying it- im surprised too!)

we're still on covers, but there is a reason for this.. partly, we still need to play together, and get ourselves sounding really tight and theyre the best things to help us there, also if we did our own stuff (cant say bout anyone else) im a perfectionist so id want it perfect... we aint there yet!

Ed and i got together for a run through some of the stuff yesterday evening...
we've not really played any band stuff for a while, mainly cause i called on it, but partly due to sorting out uni timetables and stuff... so i thought id see if he was around, so he came over, and we played through dan (my housemates) little amp for ed, and i was on acoustic so no amp and i sang un-mic'd...something very rarely done, cause we usually prac at ed's and he has bigger amps (and one of the PA's!)
and i took the lyrics out of the folder id not touched for a while (oops) and we sounded... great! Its really really weird... we should have sounded shocking, cause we'd not played togehter for a while... but we didnt... if we'd been at eds i would have been well happy with a recording of crap quality method wise, cause we were sounding good and you could tell!
i think our slight brainwave a while ago is going to pay off... we'll see, but i think so.

we got through the whole of the first lot of songs, my voice had that "impending cold" sound (completely unique but we know what me mean) as well as having gone through another phase of maturing a bit... its getting something there ive wanted for ages but couldnt have hoped to create (unless i took to smoking around 80 fags a day for 5 years- which would be really really stupid... ive always tried to look after my voice- even if i looked stupid walking around in a scarf when it wasnt actualyl that cold,) and no its not the terrible raspy type thing... its just an edge and a quality that i cant define that i always thought was lacking.... (me being a perfectionist again here as other people have said that they like my voice and its quite distinctive- [see i /do/ hear when people compliment me- just takes a couple of years to accept!]) but it was there yesterday which is encouraging.
I seem to be getting more confident with my guitar stuff as well... anyone who knows anything about charity week @ tapton and the infamous 'breaktime gig' [i still get asked about it by sprogs occasionally!] will know that my attempts at anything other than chords terrified me even in the practice(!) however now im playing at least three things that are actually quite vital in terms of the song... somehting /i/ never thought would happen, and im nowhere near as terrified now so thats progress...

in terms of recording anything... more about that when we get to talking about infinitum... but thats later... all to say now is that i dont think its going to happen without spending lots of money we dont have on a recording studio....

and as said before... this means we dont have a demo, which means we dont get gigs... bloody catch 22...

i think tho that we'll see... i for one desperately just want to be out there doing something, thats going to mean something to someone and hopefully make them smile, maybe even tap their foot in time with the music.
its also a great way for me to get rid of a lot of stuff... when im on a stage performing, i use up so much... i am one of these people who can draw from their own experiences to put meaning into something.... which is something that all the people i admire musically have in common i think... and i think its what sets a performance apart from a karaoke show....

for me a karaoke show is a band get up, they play their songs theres no feeling or life in them... theres nothing to say that they believe in what theyre singing about or have experienced it for themselves in anyway.
A performance is real, people are attracted to 'real'.
I think thats probably the main reason that exposed has been liked by almost everyone who has heard it (the only comment that wasnt positive was someone who said 'it's a bit flat' however i have to say that that same person was also a bit of a loser... - not because he criticised my work... im not that petty, but his yahoo profile would explain why... -) is because that was written out of real experience.


the only exception to this ive seen recently would be the darkness.... who are a bit of a weird one anyhow...


anyhow.. nuff ranting... ive been here three hours longer than ive needed to be so far!
still two long posts left to do but ill leave it for a bit and write them later....
one being infinitum the other being a possible non existant thing later... depends

okay..
signing off for now,

love and happiness this fine autumn day to all,

sara
x

oh yeah... that was what i was gonig to write about the other day when the internet was broken... (i might have actually already done this... but i cant remember.. memory is getting worse- and i have that blind spot back... wonder if its related?)

yeah, in an effort to try and deal with life, which at the moment is harder than i thought it would be, ive taken up sdome new things... well.. not necessarily new... but yeah...

for one, im finally learning the piano.... something ive always wanted to be able to play properly, i mean i can bang chords out fairly well, well enough to play a few songs anyhow, but ive always thought that it would be really really nice to be able to just sit and play piano properly... and there is...

the way it works is that im giving a friend of mine singing lessons. At the moment i cant do it officially as i dont have the qualifications (i would have had grade 8, which lets me teach lower grades but i was ill at the time of my exam.. like couldnt talk ill... so i had to cancel...) but its unofficial, and in return, she is giving me piano lessons, and this is working well. She's a good teacher and im really enjoying it- even the scales! This is happening on a monday morning before my film session in the afternoon and is going alternately- one week singing, the other week piano.
Another reason id really like to be able to play properly, is that i tend to do a lot more writing with a piano.. i dont really know why that is... but whenever im playing around with keys i can write songs a lot more quickly... and id like to be able to develop that a bit more and maybe even accompany myself...
like for example exposed (downloadable here- right click and save as) i didnt play on this (muchas thanks to chris, who did tho :) ) but it would never have come into existance if the keys werent there... on guitar, while i can write im still not fluent in picking, and riff based stuff, tho i am practicing and slowly getting better.... it dont happen... so yeah... thats piano

im also trying to paint more... i got given all this art stuff and ive hardly used it... ive kinda found a niche where i can be not totally crud though so im giving it a go... im also liking being able to scan my pics in before i paint them... (and indeed afterwards) so im trying to set a bit of time aside each week to have a go, though thats a bit of a lesser thing.

also now that ive nearly got the stuff i need to do it, im gonna have a play and see if i can write/record some of my stuff... well by write i mean more re-write... however this is something that could cause more stress, as previous entries will clearly testify to, we've had problems recording things ourselves, so im just more on the lines of if it happens then great...
in that same vein though, im trying to set aside an afternoon a week to write. that could be poems, prose, songs, stories, i dont know.... its whatever it turns into.. the ideal aim is always songs.. but often my songs dont always start out as songs.. or something else will inspire me to write a song as a tangent.

prac is obviously in there too... from whats been said, having cooky as bassist may well turn out brilliantly in the long run...and he's learning pretty fast too!
so yeah having these things in as regular things might help, at least thats my aim...

anyhow... being in a writey mood today, im gonna end this post and the next one can have a new subject!

sara
x

for a start.....

What Irrational Number Are You?

You are φ Of all the irrational numbers, you are considered to be the most beautiful. Those who know you well have called you by many names, all golden. However, most people don't know you by name and probably won't even recognize you by sight, but they do like to see you. Despite your pretty face, you are by no means shallow. You are involved it many things: finance, biology, architecture, art, music, and much more. In some ways you and e are a nearly perfect match. The power and intensity of e excites you. Your lucky number is approximately 1.61803399

Shiny Lemur Straif's Blog

for another thing......

lookee here!!!!!

Five-day summary for Sheffield
Min / max 24hr State
Today -1°C / 9°C Sunny intervals
Friday -2°C / 9°C Sunny intervals
Saturday 1°C / 10°C Thunder storm
Sunday 2°C / 11°C Sunny intervals
Monday 8°C / 12°C Light rain
Convert these temperatures


hmmm if theres a thunder storm itll be WELL cool!


i know i havent posted here properly for a little while...
well i dont know if this will turn into a proper one... it definately has a bigger length than previous posts....

so how am i?
im not too bad in answer to that question...


in recent news, ive finished the painting i was working on over the last couple of days... its a blown up a4 still of an anime figure... no it isnt the girl out of pokemon.... she is unique in that i havent copied it... i did look at some examples to do the eyes though as i ahve always had trouble with eyes...but htats where it ends... if she looks like someone else then i apologise... its not intentional.



in other news....


WOOHOO!!!!


go here for the full story... but if you want the brief rundown...

top 10 programmes people want back on TV.....

'Frazer Lee of Yahoo! said: "We're all obviously kids at heart as children's shows seem to be the most popular choice for remakes."

And apeing the words of Baracas, he added: "I pity the fool who ain't gonna watch no A-Team."

Top 10 shows which should be back on prime-time TV:

1. The A-Team (48%).

2. The Dukes of Hazzard (18%).

3. Knight Rider (10%).

4. Monkey (10%).

5. Dallas (5%).

6. Miami Vice (3%).

7. Minder (2%).

8. Dempsey and Makepeace (2%).

9. Doctor Who (1%).

10. Chips (1%).'

went to see me personal tutor today....
my new one... she seems nice...
but she is new, meaning i had t go through the whole explanations as to medical stuff and everything else thats been going on- the last thing i wanted to bring up really... but i did it, and she was prolyl the first person to be really nice about it, and actually vaguely helpful.

had a prac this afternoon.....
on the off chance, it went really well.....
i totally nailed 2 of the songs.... if only we'd been recording.... :S

im declaring war on first mainline.
since when have isle of man coins NOT been legal tender?!?!?!?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!



loads of work to do so small post here....

oh and its nice of my ousemates to consider the fact that actually i /might/ have wanted to go to the quiz....
its not the point its the principal of the thing....

im declaring war on first mainline.
since when have isle of man coins NOT been legal tender?!?!?!?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!



loads of work to do so small post here....

oh and its nice of my ousemates to consider the fact that actually i /might/ have wanted to go to the quiz....
its not the point its the principal of the thing....

am looking at creating a new template....
am having a play

am learning piano.
its quite fun.
im enjoying it.

hoping to own one soon.

well.. a keyboard...

am learning piano.
its quite fun.
im enjoying it.

hoping to own one soon.

well.. a keyboard...

okay well, im back again.
didnt stay at church.
long story.
its really weird. everything seems to be a long story these days, maybe its because actually i dont really want to talk about anything... kinda making this pointless. its like now this will become somethign i didnt want it to be., or it will just die... i dont particularly want either to happen.

hmmmm...
im going on a vendetta.... im not sure what against yet. i just feel like it. so i might. any ideas as to the course i should pursue then please let me know... :)

i dont really have much else to say. have people round at the moment... theyre watching red dwarf- smeg ups.

no thats it... really. not sure what to do now...

okay... hvent been around much the last couple of days, in case you cant tell by me not blogging.
i had an early night on friday so that my monstously early morning on saturday wouldnt be too bad and i wouldnt be completely wiped out before i got to london.
so saturday, i got upi at 4am. .. (yes i am aware that i went to bed later than that the other night..... )
got ready, even remembered to have some breakfast! and left the house at 5.25 to wait for the bus which arrived 2 minutes late (like hello!!! first bus in the morning going to beighton .'. come straight from the garae and its LATE?!?!?!?!) but not to worry... so on the bus and going into town making good time across the deserted, empty and cold dark streets of sheffield down commonside and west street- usually buzzing with people- onto leopold street, past the peace gardens and find..... the council.
Yep, at 0547 the council are busy putting upo christmas lights. noiw i wouldnt have minded, but for the fact that they neglected to think that with it being a road and all, that that people carrying conveyances might actually want to come down that round and through the traffic lights.... so we spent ages manouvering through this gap that was the width of the bus (which was a small normal single decker (not a nokia bus as theyre wider)) plus 2 inches. do they think that actually if they move the little crane thing they arent using down the road by 2 metres then the wider traffic might actually get past!! so yeah... i wasnt impressed by that, although it is a lot later this year that theyve been putting them up as last year it was mid september :S and we pulled into the bus station, and i made my way down to the national excpress departures lounge to await my coach, which turned up at 06.20... perfect timing, as i was just beginning to get cold....
the journey down there was fine, impressive even, especially as after the pick up in chesterfield the driver announced that thisa was the last stop and actually we'd arrive at victoria at 1000 and not 1030 (so im guessing that the other stop didnt have anyone there) so yeah, i fell asleep for a bit on the way down.. tho most people slept all the way... and we arrived, and after a screw up with the tube, i met mark a bit later than planned and we set off on our day.
First stop was the natural history museum, and we stayed there a good three and a half hours and still didnt go see everything... but that was cool :) then we went to the tate modern, and i found a good painting to use in an assignment for one of my modules, which id hoped i would do, as well as seeing some famous, some weird, some bizzare, and some plain straight over the top of my head paintings and other forms of art by people. after a tea break ing the cafe, we then walked down to tower bridge to take a look at david blaine and take a picture as was requested by a friend of mine and there are hundreds of people there!!! having seen the odd flick to him on sky one, who are following his stunt, there were never any people there.... all i can say is that i reckon he must've been cold at night... it was quite a bizzare and weird thing to see and think about and experience...
we then walked back across tower bridge to get back to the tube and headed back to victoria and waited for the coach back, and the driver on the way back was a sheffield lad who used to drive with mainline, and so as can be expected we had a good long natter about buses, bus routes, how the buses have gone downhill.... coaches. trains. planes and skid marks.....
we arrived back to sheffield a little late, but only by five minutes due to a stupid roadwork on the M1 past nottingham. i then got on the (again late! even though it had come from the garage) 52 at 0005 and got home at around 0045, by the time id kicked back, had a hot drink and snack and unwound it was 0330 and i went to sleep and got up at around 4pm.

am going to go collect abbie and rich from town in around an hour, and were going to church and then theyre staying over here...
anyhow.. will shut up now :)

yes.. its 5.45 am......
i am aware of this... however have spent a very pleasant night.... which is nice :)
gotta love my housemates at times..... :D
am gonna be knackered when it comes to painting though.... hehehe

just got back from the HNOP at philly. it was hard going. really hard.

i have a hugely long post wanting to get out... but i just dont have the will or the energy to write it at the moment.i feel like a fraud at the moment as well but i dont know why. i think if i started writing now then i would scare some people, alienate some others, confuse as well....
at the moment though the overriding factor is that i want out. out of what? you ask. out of everything. people can say that im a woos and cant take the heat... they might well be right. im frustrated as a dog trying to catch its own tail at the moment. i feel like im beginning to doubt everything ive ever known or believed, and i know that im trying my hardest to isolate myself..... just this time i think i might have cracked it in how im going about it...

my blog is one of my few indulgances.... and to those who wish to moan about the tone of these messages... save it... one thing i got v good at is to distinguish between whats genuine and whats forced. genuine comments are always welcomed, you should all know that by now, and if you do wanna say anything then feel free to email, and i will listen, and take on board whats said... but what i say i say because at that point in time, its true, and theres the thing- at that point in time.i also say it for myself, and so it might not be all smiley happy.... if i wanted to do that, i'd do it, but that would be lying, and hypocritical, and everyone who sees me occasionally would know it but it would be another one of those things that is tolerated even though actually id be making an ass out of myself.

i dont think im making much sense so im actually going to shup up before i dig any deeper.

ok.. im back.... ive onyl been gone a little while i know.... but i like to blog..

yesterfay a bank amchine tried to tell me i had no money whatsoever.....
then i went to another one and it told me the right amount. phew.

today i went round to Rich R's new house to do some painting... got a bit covered in it, but it was good fun and now im waiting for the rest of my washing to dry so i can have a shower before going to stomp stuff.....

short post i know.... sorry.
more when im not so cold!

"So yeah, then as soon as we hit sheffield again, lee overtook us and thought she was gonna win on the way back too... Ooooh no! Needless to say we got back the fun way a good 10 mins before they pulled up :-) " ed wrote this regarding the saturday roadtrip....


who said the way back was a race???
i certainly wasnt aware it was otherwise id have actually taken her on the shortcuts... as it happened, we hit traffic at the 'robin hood' on millhouses cause carterknowle rd was closed.. but to my knowledge we werent racing... but 1-1 is fine with me... i just went for the drive round out of sheffield..... into derbyshire and staffordshire... not too far :)

if we do it again we need to stipulate the rules very clearly and i think we should try and find things on the way which have to be photographed or something... to prove that youve been there.... thats one for either my birthday or the spring...

speaking of which..... what should i do for my birhtday this year???
not too long till i need to decide.. like a week now....(til i need to know so i can invite people)

'lo...

well im feeling a little better.....
still hurting mind.... i rang nhs direct and the nurse who rang me back seems to think im reacting to the barium sulphate in some way.... (tho im sure that if you mix sulphates with acid you get a reaction anyhow(!) vaguely remember from chem pracs so whats in my stomach?? oh yeah... acid! + sulphate?)

hopefully will be okay tomorrow...
also been out to get some calpol as was suggested by the nurse....

and im gonna make some tea and hope that that helps!
i guess milky stuff is prolly the way to go as well...

oh and cause i have a 'fever' with it... she told me to drink four litres of fluid a day until my temperature is back to normal like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????
thats 18 cups of liquid refreshment!!!!! a day!
have been making sure i get 2-3 so that i get rid of the barium asap
anyhow.. gonna do that and then watch the second half of ghostbusters 2 and if im feeling any better by then im gonna go to cluster....

sorry that todays posting has been so bleak.... uni tomorrow :)

ouch!!! i feel so crap today.... im sure that mixing a sulphate with stomach acid makes all kinds of crap reactions which im now feeling intensley.... i cant remember ever having had stomach pain like this... eased slightly by throwing up occasionally. i think ive expelled most of the barium from my system by now but this is NOT good... spent most of the morning squirming around. i havent been in to uni as i wouldnt have managed more than half an hour in a lecture. dont think ill be going anywhere much today... gonna go down to philly later to meet rich but thats quite informal so i can walk around which seems to help. might even ring NHS direct if it dont stop... gonna ring me dad first though cause he's had a barium meal and so might know if this is 'normal'. anyone out there reading this please pray cause its doing my nut in!

sara

well.... its monday, and no im not in uni at the moment.....
yes i should be, but ive spent the last couple of hours recovering from the relatively more pleasant ordeals ive been through recently.... that being the barium meal. it was quite boring although as a consequence it mean that ive now read over 2/3 of my book on angels that i bought last week. the stuff was actually pallatable though, which is more than i thought it would be cause i know i have huge problems taking anything like tablets or medicinal solutions (xept calpol and lemsip) but this was seemingly okay.
anyhow... ive had some lunch and seem to be okay so we'll leave that there, cause i dont want this post to be about that....
so yeah this week?

well uni and cluster tomorrow, wednesday, uni, thursday, stomp stuff, friday early night i think as saturday involves me leaving the house at 6am to get to town to get my coach down to london.... in london ill be visiting the natural history museum, tate modern, british museum (possibly), and then some touristy places as well.... seeing as i never really did that properly any of the other times ive been down that way.... mainly due to the weather and the fact that it was summer and this isnt so it should be more manageable, and then gonna go and have a look at mr blaine in his little box, as its the day before he's released and i reckon it could be quite funny.....

also found out today that dan was attempting to take pictures of himself with my camera.... now i rewound the film... but if hes gone over the top.... then those were my bon jovi pics in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


so yeah... am hoping that my week doesnt become too busy- it'd be nice to be able to fit a band prac in there, and maybe an acoustic prac too... band prac may become a hiring of prac room job as we dont really have decent transport yet.. but thats okay.. might try and find a nicer place than yellow arch.... it was a bit dodgy before... the amps were quite knackered, and the leads were dodgy and it smelled terrible! sorry to anyone who likes that place... but i like a chair i can sit on...

anyhow, im gonna sign off for now as i have a visitor :)))

will prolly post more later as ill have time...
might go to prayers this evening too.....

just eaten a banana, tis working wonders already

*hugs*
sara

oh yeah... and prac today has been called as well....
another cause of being woken up last night.....again.

i dont mind in all honestly,

today im gonna do some arty crafty stuff and do my prep for tomorrow afternoon.

and now im gonna attempt to drink this stuff.... am trying to think what it smells like....
other than lemsip.

okay well im sat here... okayish after last nights little random episode in the house.....
amazingly tired and a little grouchy but copable.... although the nice mini science lab i just set up in the kitchen was fun.
just made up the stuff i have to take for tomorrow... a mix of magnesium carbonate and anhydrous citric acid, which you're meant to dissolve in hot water.... so i did... and its a highly exothermic foaming reaction!!!! if i didnt have to drink the stuff then id find it exciting.... though the fact id that it probably does similar when its doing its job (which should take a few hours..... funnnnnnnnnnnnnn...)
this stuff /smells/ nicer than the last stuff, which i guess is a good thing, and its definately a good thing that theres only 200 mls of this to drink as opposed to 4 litres....

in anticipation im also sat here with a pint of orange squash as i wait for this stuff to cool as instructed....

i hate all this.

and in case you couldnt tell... im not asleep yet....

gonna go try though now...
just been tidying the code for this blog up....
considering a revamp too.

check out the links... specially the theme songs.

exposed is my own composition, and as long as you dont try and make money from it then feel free to link to it or download it for yourself.

okay.... 2.45 am....

believe it or not, ive actually been to sleep twice!

i am NOT in a good mood right now.
in fact i am in a terrible mood and whosoever dares to cross me at the moment shall be swatted away like a fly and smitten with the force of a woolly mammoth.

ok.. so i go to bed at midnight ish... reasonable time non?
1.48am i wake up for no reason, but really shaken... then hear voices going "are you okay?!?!?! hehehe" so i take it that someone has fallen down the stairs again (tis an easy thing to do in this house.... ) so turn over and try to go back to sleep.... a little later im woken by lots of laughter and shouting and general hullaballoo so i, quite pissed off, get up and go halfway down the stairs to find everyone congregating on the landing.... great.. its like 2am.... so itell them what i think of them, and chris apologises. he was the only one, and i then texted dan to tell him im not impressed as he wasnt on the landing but was the cause of the rowdiness... so i then go and sit on my bed in the dark a bit hugging my teddy and im just about to go back to sleep when my fone starts buzzing, as in the meantime, ed left a message on irc about tomorrows supposed practice, which i got and replied to..... even though my nick said "sara|SLEEPING" <--big enough clue there????!!!!! at the moment i dont think therell be a practice tomorrow... im trying really hard to get enough sleep at the moment, cause i know that it dont exactly help my mood if im grouchy from not having slept well.... and i have to be up at nine in the morning to take random thing for monday... so i can see me getting to sleep at 4ish now.. cause im not gonna be tired for another hour (i know my sleep patterns) and then ill be up at 8.30 and so hopefully ill be able to go back to sleep in the later morning and afternoon and try and catch up otherwise im just going to feel ill, as well as be totally unhappy. see this is why its bad that im sleeping for 14 hours a day or so..... when i was getting my normal amount , having a night like this wouldnt cause a problem at all...
its a nice night though... went and sat outside for a bit to cool off cause im so pissed off at everything at the moment, that that on top of it meant i was ready to slap the next person to aggravate it.... either that or do some serious damage to myself, and the wall (even though theyre padded [its a bout right really innit? padded walls.... always said id end up in a padded room)

its at this point that i know im faced with several choices:

- to run away from it all or stand and fight
- to push away my friends and the people around me or not
- to listen to the things going round my head or to stand on what i believe
- to give up or not

it sounds so simple doesnt it....
if only it were.......


oh and to get rid of some of my frustration... i did the washing up.... again.

A court is in session
A verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today,
just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
the cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
alone I drop and kneel

Silence now the sound my breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around my face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence expecting no return
Here there is no penance my skin begins to burn

So I held my head up high hiding hate that burns inside
which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
see a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
on that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
and grant me life eternally

Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head
no time for mourning ain't got no time
Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head
no time for mourning ain't got no time

So I held my head up high hiding hate that burns inside
which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

ok so the road trip i think was a success.... lots of places were visited.. i think when we look at the photos if there are any decent ones then ill put em up along with a bigger account of the trip...
highlights are as follows......

- taking a v ickle engined car up and down some nice steep hills and country lanes....
- driving on pure instinct on my part (well directing) on said country lanes
- the llamas
- winning
- the weather.

wish id got my camera cause there were some gorgeous opportunities for some photos out in the peaks... the contrast of the sky with the brilliant reds, and oranges were just awesome.... if i could drive id be out there taking pics.... (or if someone wanted to drive me out there!)

oh also found out that my sister is allergic to wasps..... which means that i probably am too as ive suspected for a long time, as my mum is... just ive never been stung so i dont know with me yet... but my sis is okay, which is good.


in other news,
my barium meal is actually monday, not tuesday or wednesday as id originally thought.... so i get the joys of taking lots of random powdery things tomorrow... (only one sachet this time... but its a hot drink :S)
and then im not allowed to eat for 36 hours and im not allowed to drink for 4 hours before the thing, which is 9am on monday morning :S
im not looking forwards to it... it /has/ to be better than the gastroscopy... but as a scientist (yes i still dabble in it a fair bit :) )the idea of swallowing liquid barium is not a nice thing... its like eating agar jelly....
no!

anyhow.. not really in a very talky mood it has to be said so ill leave ya to it...


sara

I don’t know who to trust, your surprise
Everything feel so far away from me
Have your thoughts sent through dust, and the lies
Trying not to break, but I’m so tired of this to see
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this, all the time and time between
And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me

Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
‘Cause I swear for the last time
I won’t trust myself with you

Tension is building inside, steadily
You feel so far away from me
Have your thoughts forcing their way out of me

Trying not to break, but I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this, all the time and time between
And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me

Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away

I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints, but I can help the fact, that everybody can see these scars
What I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you want what I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me

I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can, but sometimes I don't make sense
I say what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, for once just to hear me out
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not

I lie awake on a long, dark night.
I can’t seem to tame my mind.
Slings and arrows are killing me inside.
Maybe I can’t accept the life that’s mine.
No I can’t accept the life that’s mine.

Simple living is my desperate cry.
Been trading love with indifference
yeah it suits me just fine.
I try to hold on but I’m calloused to the bone.
Maybe that’s why I feel alone,
Maybe that’s why I feel so alone.

Me…I’m rusted and weathered,
Barely holding together.
I’m covered with skin that peels and
it just won’t heal.

The sun shines and I can’t avoid the light.
I think I’m holding on to life too tight.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Me…I’m rusted and weathered
Barely holding together.
I’m covered with skin that peels
and it just won’t heal.

that just about sums me up today.....
quite funny that this was the first song winamp picked as i turned it back on..... sometimes i swear it knows how im feeling...

well... i went to the doctors.... its done no good really other than im now officially listed as being 'clinically depressed' and they offered anti depressants which i refuse to take...
hmmm.

going back to my parents today prolly didnt help too much mind.
not had a good day overall... it was fine till i got to the end of lunch and got back to mine and it just went downhill from there... cant really describe it without sounding completely and utterly crazy.....


so tomorrows road trip .....
i dont wanna go now.
i dont like the fact that my idea has again been taken and altered... but if everyone else enjoys it itll be okay.

the destination is tittesworth reservoir.
the people.. i dont know.
start time 11.30

no speed above 50mph
no major roads where possible.

well, this will probably be a quick post today as im off out in 10 minutes....
why is blogger not working too well???? not the best thing to be happening.... specially when ppl would like to blog!

im really not looking forwards to going to the doctors..but........ have i ever to be honest??
im also gonna see if my textbooks have arrived, and then go back and play games and put final plans to our little road trip tomorrow.....
should be fun.

possiblility of three cars racing to get to a slightly ambiguously placed name.. do lunch / pub and then drive home the scenic way right round the bottom of the peak district... and yeah ive just given a clue as to where were heading, but we dont have an advantage because we're not allowed to drive on green or red roads and not allowed to do above 50 at any point. (this is cause one car is smaller than the others so then its fair) each car has a drive and navigator and hopefully should lead to some pretty good driving across the peaks on some of the smaller roads:)

anyhow....
im gonna have to go cause i need to get up to x-pool...

also note my links page is growing steadily :))

apparently.......

My inner child is forty-five years old!

I've never really liked children, not even when I
was one. I want things neat, ordered, and
adult--fine wine instead of french fries, pina
coladas by the pool instead of beach sand
between my toes. Now if only my fellow adults
would stop acting like such, well, children!


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

pretty true i reckon!

well... today has ended up being a big polygot of good bad ugly confusing challenging crap annoying and weird.....

i was in a weird mood on the way to chesterfield... it wasnt a bad one.. i was just coming out with some amazingly humourous comments that i have no idea where they came from... then i became invisible it seemed for a few hours and that wasnt very much fun.
We'd gone to chesterfiddled to go look in the music shop i got my acoustic from to go see some other acoustics, as Ed's thinking of buying one... so we get to the shop and have a look round and all the different guys who came in there completely ignored me even though ed had pointed out that i was with him cause i knew a fair bit about acoustics and i know all the things that they wouldnt, like the sound, and how it would sound matched against my acoustic and if i can sing against it and overall sound etc, and everytime i went to make a comment it was completely ignored and the guy(s) carried on as if i didnt exist!
that isnt any diss on Ed at all, and he knows that.... so i felt compeltely and utterly useless there- its like.. hello i do exist.... i have a valid point to make here.....
second thing was that id seen an art shop as we got off the bus and wanted a quick nebby in there to look at materials and stuff so we went in and had a look round and i saw some marbling oils which would be great for my crafty sidelines in creating cards and stuff so i went to the counter to ask a questionas ed was paying for his pure graphite pencils and after finishing serving him the woman turns round and goes back to reading the paper.. the other woman there looks straight at me and then carries on...... five MINUTES later (well four and a half... i was timing) she looks up from the paper and says "yeah? thought you were together" like GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like there are lots of situations where i feel invisible... but thats more cause im there, ready and willing and wanting to help and it just doesnt happen, which is fine and its no problem, but to just be ..... ugh... and that continued until the evening, and kinda through the stomp visits.... which were really good in some ways and also not.. but its fine and then we went to the chinese resteraunt which was lovely foodwise.... seaweed is gorgeous! and had some very challenging/thought provoking conversations which took really unexpected turns.... including marriage, fivefold ministry, seasons, bibs......
so yeah.. lots of challenges and questions to ponder which is kinda cool...

think im gonna go do some more reading.. i have a book about the desert and a book about angels that im currently reading... having two books on the go is possibly a bad idea but im coping fine so far...
what do you guys think about angels? real or fake? today or past only? comments in the comments box please..

oh and tomorrow im going home....
help.

on the plus side might be going back down to london again to see ac/dc
we'll see tho i think on that one....

sara

well... today has ended up being a big polygot of good bad ugly confusing challenging crap annoying and weird.....

i was in a weird mood on the way to chesterfield... it wasnt a bad one.. i was just coming out with some amazingly humourous comments that i have no idea where they came from... then i became invisible it seemed for a few hours and that wasnt very much fun.
We'd gone to chesterfiddled to go look in the music shop i got my acoustic from to go see some other acoustics, as Ed's thinking of buying one... so we get to the shop and have a look round and all the different guys who came in there completely ignored me even though ed had pointed out that i was with him cause i knew a fair bit about acoustics and i know all the things that they wouldnt, like the sound, and how it would sound matched against my acoustic and if i can sing against it and overall sound etc, and everytime i went to make a comment it was completely ignored and the guy(s) carried on as if i didnt exist!
that isnt any diss on Ed at all, and he knows that.... so i felt compeltely and utterly useless there- its like.. hello i do exist.... i have a valid point to make here.....
second thing was that id seen an art shop as we got off the bus and wanted a quick nebby in there to look at materials and stuff so we went in and had a look round and i saw some marbling oils which would be great for my crafty sidelines in creating cards and stuff so i went to the counter to ask a questionas ed was paying for his pure graphite pencils and after finishing serving him the woman turns round and goes back to reading the paper.. the other woman there looks straight at me and then carries on...... five MINUTES later (well four and a half... i was timing) she looks up from the paper and says "yeah? thought you were together" like GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like there are lots of situations where i feel invisible... but thats more cause im there, ready and willing and wanting to help and it just doesnt happen, which is fine and its no problem, but to just be ..... ugh... and that continued until the evening, and kinda through the stomp visits.... which were really good in some ways and also not.. but its fine and then we went to the chinese resteraunt which was lovely foodwise.... seaweed is gorgeous! and had some very challenging/thought provoking conversations which took really unexpected turns.... including marriage, fivefold ministry, seasons, bibs......
so yeah.. lots of challenges and questions to ponder which is kinda cool...

think im gonna go do some more reading.. i have a book about the desert and a book about angels that im currently reading... having two books on the go is possibly a bad idea but im coping fine so far...
what do you guys think about angels? real or fake? today or past only? comments in the comments box please..

oh and tomorrow im going home....
help.

on the plus side might be going back down to london again to see ac/dc
we'll see tho i think on that one....

sara

ok so just time for a quick post before i set off up to Ed's for a bit of a practice... i feel like ive just woken up, even though i actually got up at around 9.30am this morning... i just watched 'final fantasy: the spirits within' and stayed in bed whilst doing so.. so in a way i /have/ only just got up... so yeah.. prac is there for today and then stomp meeting/going and finding the kids that are coming followed by a team social at No 1 Oriental Buffet which ive heard is very nice....
tho i have to admit i dont particuarly feel very peopley today... id be much happier coming home after the meeting and doing some more work or something than having to go and socialise with a bunch of people who i really really like, theyre really nice people, but i just dont want to be around, and its not personal, its not them, its just in general...

ok plan change im going to chesterfield now....

am also really lilking travis again.....

help!

sara

ok.. why did someone not tell me that the comments system hadnt worked since i updated it????

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

not like many people use it.....
tho thank you to khatijah, WITCH, and andyroo who do comment....
where are the rest of you huh????

anyhow gonna try fixing it now...
hopefully it didnt wipe previous comments made....


am gonna do the card and then carry on listening to creed while i write up my notes.
sara

ok.. so today hasnt been the best of days.... uni was fine and then it just all went downhill with an upwards peak at prayers.
for one thing i managed to make the kitchen ceiling leak... i did this by having a shower... the fact that this was then broadcasted across the internet didnt help matters. second.. i manage to spill things down myself. then i decided that cause everyone else was doing stuff i was going to go walking after prayers. prayers itself was posititve... im avoiding using the words good cause it just doesnt work in some situations. and then it just went down again ending up with me sounding quite nasty towards people.
oh and as well as those, i also managed to really bruise my hand, be told i wasnt allowed to give blood and felt quite sick after my 'treat' of F.O.B's stupidly chocolatey choc cake
but i made soup today...

you know what the hardest things for me are at the moment.?
shopping, and uni.
uni cause its a hostile environment (well ... it seems that way) and im still scared by the people there i think...im always constanly thinking that im doing it all wrong and its not working... tho i know that that is partly born out of a push to do well... and partly out of the stupid thoughts that i have that associates success with value.. :S
shopping is .... i dont know what it is... but its just really hard... its not like its for a specific thing or anything.. just simple grocery shopping, like after prayers i power walked to broomhill and somerfield and eventually got a cabbage and another leek and some more mushrooms and a couple of other bits and bobs, but in the process nearly burst into tears and wanted to disappear. part of it is the people... even though it was like 8pm there were loads of people in there.... i just think im not doing too well with people at the moment... maybe thats possibly a subconsious reason as to why i havent 'decided' which teaching service i want to go to, where decided=actually been to one. its weird....

anyhow. if i want this card to get to abbie before she leaves weymouth then i need to write it now.... so ill leave on that note.

must remember to book the docs for friday morning or afternoon...
i could really use a good day tomorrow... well.. prac should be good but the rest of it could really do with being good....

sara

got in about 20 minutes ago from another long day. im not complaining however, cause its decent.

today i went and ordered the textbooks i needed after my lectures.... im gonna really enjoy the tutorials for the fourfold gospels..... from the first minutes it was funny

notreally huge amounts to say today... well i have but im too tired.. gonna go sleep for a couple of jours before i go to prayers i think.

oh and bought a book on angels today....
could be good reading.

part two..........



the only bad point so far about today is that my tummy/intestinal bits n bobs are playing up at me....i even gave it breakfast this morning! it is hurting a fair bit, but im gonna try and grab a bath while other people are at uni.. or failing all else late tonight.... when people are in bed...which should help... i must remember to findf my hotwaterbottle actually.... when im next at home cause thats gonna come in useful for when it really starts to get cold. as you can probably tell im finding it cold now.. my fingers are kind of refusing to work because of it. :S

oh yeah... apart from me just noticing that im doing fairly well in the posting of longer posts.... (although im sure when they get this long people get bored and just dont bother reading.... i might just cut it and post it in two sections... (clever literary ploy there....) i got a letter this morning from me abbie. it was very nice and very sweet and very encouraging to read so yeah that was amazing... okay, well im going to go and try and sort out my rent and stuff and look in a shop my father recommends (aopparently they have sandwich toasters for a fiver (really should not spend any more cash this month(!) but that would actually be well useful... and we dont already have one.)
and then ive got a meeting with rich at philly at 3.30 tho we said after prayers so a little wander and then i should get there on time... if its not too cold outside i might even walk everywhere (xept home) tho i do need to get back and finish this synoptic excersice before cluster hopefully.. cause i really could use the early night again... last night was one too... ive been really tired the last week or so.... hoping its just cause my routines changed and not really anythign else.

anyhow.. on the pc front, its kinda working..... for now.... see ed's blog for more on that... tho its now running on essentially a 4 gig drive till we can hopefully make it better... so not a lot to do really.... i have internet capabilities and the LAN is set up and everything... and i have notepad/wordpad etc... so i can do random things and i kinda still have access to my old files..... but im not going to use it unless i have to really i think...

tho hopefully we'll have some answers soon... assuming i can get all my work done tomorrow thursday is going to be taken up with sleeping in in the morning, luch at x-pool tavern and then practice.... if i dont then... work in the morning lunch at x-pool tavern and then work oif not done that morning...

anyhow im gonna stop rambling and go ride the paternoster. :)

sara
x

thought id try this one too.... thank you Khatijah for putting up some decent quizzes!

Afterlife as an Angel by childdoll
Your Name
Astrological Sign
Angel Type	Angel of Inspiration
Wing Color	Purple
Heavenly Weapon	Lightning rod
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

that is pretty cool....least i think so... and purple!!! if i use my full name and star sign im an archangel with red wings and my heavenly weapon is blasts of holy light not too sure bout the red wings but cool!....

im currently 12 floors up the arts tower having finished my very good day of lectures... its nice to be feeling intellectually challenged and stimulated again... but yeah... the view from here is absolutely stonking today... i mean it is totally amazing... i havent seen it this clear in a good long while. there is also a lot of wind and there has been for a couple of days now... cause the arts tower moves in the wind i get a very very odd feeling when im up here in windy conditions cause of my weird ears... it isnt an unpleasant one though so i can cope with it (ive been at the top of buildings (all stucturally sound) where the movement has made me feel intensly sick.. its all due my ears the doc said a long time ago...) the only bad point of being up here is that cause im higher than all the rest of the buildings round here, there is nothing to break up the currents so what hits the building are purely untamed forces of nature..... i love it. its just soooooooo nice.. but yah, the bad point is the noise cause its loud!


well when i get home i have a nice lunch waiting for me... the same as last nights tea... but minus hte potatoes... tho i might stick a couple of tinned in there to make it up a little into something more substantial so if i dont get to do tea then its not a huge deal til i get back.... im getting back into cooking again.. its fun.
people are always welcome to come round and be cooked for.... givews me an excuse to do it... although the battle over the washing up in our house is /still/ going on. those of you that dont know... i ended up doing almost a weeks worth of everybodies washing up a while ago. i wasnt happy, sopecially as actually hardly any of the pots were mine, but i thought id be nice and do them, in the hope that the favoiur might be retgurned on the odd day that i actually dont get the chance to wash up as soon as im doine.... so four days later... i arrive home to find that once again there are no plates or cutlery, and everytjhing is piled high waiting to be washed, so i decided to again do it for everyone but a little more grumpy about it.,... this ytime i end up with a cut hand because someone had broken a glass and not realised so that wasnt too fun... have mentioned it to housemates... but i feel like im going to arrive home to the same thing.. either that, oir as the other day ill arrive home to find my proposed lunch ahs been thrown away... if so i will not be happy! last time it was just pancake mix..... this toime its personal.... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! lots oif wind! i so want to be up here during a storm... bring my camera up and i bet i could get some AMAZING pics.. i mean, the view from my room is absolutely gorgeous but theres a lot more sky here...

You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


think ive done this one before but i just saw it on Khatijah's blog and thought i would do it again.... the illustration is prolly more like me than the result, a flautist who seems to like purple :)

anyhows.... this is just a bit of a quicky to let you know that i may not be able to blog for a while as my pc is playing hell with me and the rest of the world. if anyone knows of anyreason as to why it would decide to delete vital bits of itself then please let me know!!!
so yeah... thats the big news it would seem.
im at the hospital next week... barium meal. yum..... :S

the cold has just about gone (not the temperature outside tho unfortunately, but my cold...) however its left me with a fun ear infection to contend with so its driving me a bit crazy at the moment so if you see me poking and poking at my ear then thats why.


anyhoo am knackered and me neck is really really hurting which is indicating one of three things.
all of which require bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.... specially as i have a 9am tomorrow....

gnight,
sara
x

made a very nice stew today....


just got back from young adults celebration at church.
enjoyed it more than i thought i would.. the guided meditation was cool.
feeling a bit antisocial today so didnt stay for any of the chit chat but enjoyed another bracing walk....

yes it is freezing.

how is it up there in bonny scotland at the moment Khatijah?!

if its anything like it is here then im feeling it too!!!

tomorrow is the resume of practices... gonna give it a good shot anyhow... my voice is kinda getting back to normal so i should be okay to sing some of the more taxing stuff... that was im not completely anal sounding when we all get back together for the band stuff.... still need to think about a name for that..... i liked my suggestion....but hey dont always get what we'd like. my guitar is still up to speed ish cause ive been sat twanging away occasionally so it should be a good practice i hope!

i really cant believe how cold it is today!!!! sorry to keep going on about it but it is!!! like im one of the least nesh people that i know and /i'm/ freezing! brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

oh public announcement number two this week.
in the last two days ive been called various random variations on my surname by several different people. a) i dont appreciate being called any of the following : granny smith, smithy, smifffffffff, smeeeeeeeeeeeeth because b) i have a name. that name is sara and while i dont especially like it, it is inherently me. it may seem like im being slightly picky and if it does then i apologise most profusely but it does randomly bother me... i cant explain why.

so yeah... im debating using my custard now... just sos i can have something thats WARM...


anyhow need to go look some stuff up so will catch ya later.
oh and yeah... im feeling better today... having a better day... meeting my mother was hard work but its over and i dont have to for a while (i know that sounds really horrible... its not meant to be as harsh as it sounds :S )

sara

found this when i was looking through my old email accounts.... tis a poem i wrote a couple of years ago.....
still ery true methinks...


| There are people that say
| Life is what you make of it.
| These are the people who
| Make all the life-changing desicions, and
| Have no time for regret.
| Other people say that
| Life is predestined.
| They are usually the people who believe
| They were chosen to have it rough.
| Still others think life is affected by
| Past choices and situations.
| Whoever is right,
| Life is about choices.
| Big choices,
| Little choices.
| Choices which, in hindsight
| Seemed tiny at the time,
| But affect you now in
| Ways you never thought possible, and
| Choices which seemed to be huge but had
| Little impact in reality.
| You can choose to accept your lot, and not make a fuss, or
| Choose to make the best of your circumstances, or
| Choose to make everyone elses life as miserable as yours seems to be.
| But its better to
| Choose to have a life
| And live it,
| Than to have no
| Choice at all.

Misery likes company I like the way that sounds
I've benn trying to find the meaning
So I can write it down
Staring out the window it's such a long way down
I'd like to jump but I'm afraid to hit the ground

I can't write a love song the way I fell today
I can't sing no song of hope
I've got nothing to say
Life is feeling kind of strange
Since you went away
I sing this song to you wherever you are
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms

I'm tired of watching TV it makes me wanna scream
Outside the world is burning
Man it's so hard to believe
Each day you know you're dying
From the cradle to the grave
I get so numb sometimes that I just feel the pain

- bon jovi....
i like these lyrics

im urrently eating the nicest tea :)
stir fried vegetables. i dunno whats making it so nice....
ive got leeks and sugar snap peas, mushroom, baby corn, red and yellow capsicum, broccoli, cougette and home made garlic and tomato sauce... the veg is slightly crispy still, which is just as i like it and the combination of garlic herbs tomato and pepper in the sauce gives it just enough spice to kickback on the back of the tongue slightly after youve swallowed...
i also discovered recently that i do like raw mushroom after all... oh yeah.. and theres soy saucew in it too.... thus proividing the sauce. for pudding im gonig to have an apple, a banana and a bit of my giant toblerone... i dont really like chocolate very much... however.... i like foreign chocolate... maybe its just mainland i dont like... i like toblerone and milka, and lindt... however i still cant eat a lot at once...

the man from the hotel never rang me back...:S i guess the conclusion to draw there is that it aint the right job, however my little trip to meadowhell tomorrow may prove more fruitful... i hope so.. cause i also need to get my sisters present of busted ticketsfor next march... soon... theyre almost sold out for the date shes in the country- she goes to south africa on the 12th march for 10 days.. lucky girl... still im pleased that sh gets to do something. hopefully it will help her to grow up a little too.

am really hoping that i gtet a letter from abbie tomorrow otherwise i wont be able to send her one back... i have though been busy with planning my trip to london which i am really looking forwards to.

tomorrow is my first visit to the young adults celebration at church... it could be interesting... as far as i know ill be there anyhow, tho i guess it is a case of see how i feel,


hmmmm dan seems to have gone missing ive just discovered... well he's gone out and noone knew...

i did a bit more of my work today.. will get the rest done in a bit and tomorrow..
might play some more might and magic too...

once i have a job i prolly wont be able to play nearly aS much which is possibly a good thing as it is the kind of game you get really lost and absorbed in it and before you realise hours have passed..... :S

one last thing...
i might have said this before but it's really struck me how if you look out of my window at sunset/sunrise youre looking out onto middle earth... the tower at thorpe hesely and the tv relay mast at the top of the hill opposite (shircliffe/skislope way) make the two towers and cause of the huge quarry thing on the one opposite it looks totally like isengard... very weird but also amazing!

well.. i just applied for another job.. as a hotel receptionist...
it has to be better than some jobs although the man was very enquiring as to what i was doing and how many hours id like etc... so maybe i stand a chance... have also just texted my uncle to see if there are any jobs going at pistol creeks...
its on the other end of the bus route so maybe ill be able to get one...
well a bit of scouting revealed there are jobs going at the pizza place so i rang up and have an application form and the woman sounded very positive on the phone too! so i guess i ought to stop procrastinating and go back to my colouring in....:S

hehehe.. also gonna go and lookat three/four jobs tomorrow at meadowhell...

its all fun.

am gonna start doing 2 hours of swimming on a thuirsday mornign...
should be fun!

okay... reading back... september was very much the month of short posting... in october ill try and rectify (RECTIFAAAAAAAAAAAAH) that... yes i am aware that i am three or four days late... but better late than not at all i guess...
am back at the hospital in a week and a half. this has just occured to me... and in ten days i have to take that disgustion concoction that is magnesium citrate. i really seem to have this psychological thing with taking things. i hate taking medicines of any kind, and when it comes to tablets i just cant do it. even if the tablet is ground into powder and hidden in mashed potato or jam or something else my body still knows its there and i end up throwing it back up... so not the best state of affairs when i have to take this sachet of stuff.... i had SO much trouble with the preparation for the colonoscopy... a procedure i found out im going to hvae to have every two years for the rest of my life potentially... but yeah.. and that was just salts basically. this stuff i have to take so that when i take the barium suphate, it doesnt solidify inside me... funny how knowing that just puts me off wanting to take the latter really innit? but it has to be done so im going to do it. then 2 weeks after that ill be seeing the geneticist again with the results of this to see if is likely to be a genetic thing or not and to look at the options...

id love to be able to say that im fine and okay with it all, but the truth is that im not. It's really gettgin to me, when all of this started everybody said it would be fine and it wouldnt be anything... and now well obviously it isnt nothing... just not knowing though is the worst thing and not having any clue as to what it oculd possibly be. an occasional elimination of something is great...however consequently finding out that that has been eliminated....for now and that actually the chance of it in the future is significantly higher and not necessarily just in that area has to be taxing for anyone really.. and im included in that..
and to those of you who say that i spend too much time thinking about it all... i disagree. for a start, what is read on here is only a snapshot of me sounding my thoughts. it may be one of the more talked about subjects on here but thats because its topical and actually if i dont get some of this out of my head at some point ill end up in a worse state than i already am. Having spent the last 6+ weeks being really depressed has been horrible and ive done some really crap things. for one treating my friends badly, for which i apologise... (and you know who you are) i know you mean well and all but sometimes you just go about it in the wrong way- being extra nice and trying to keep me occupied just doesnt work- if anyhtign it has the opposite effect- i end up feeling like im a box marked fragile and people are trying to carry it in such a way so as to not upset the contents :S and then there are the people who try the more direct approach of firing question after question at me or make it seem like im lying when i say im okay cause the response i immediately get is "are you sure?" YES im sure. the thing is i take things relatively if you ask me if im okay, then my answer will be relative to the general thing of the previous few days so if i say im okay, then relative to the last few days/times when ivew actually considered it as a question, im okay, which might be different to the ways in which the rest of the world operate (ive hardly been there enough to know that) but if i dont operate in that way then i will end up losing any hard fought for shred of sanity that i still possess. The other question ive really grown to hate recently is that of "so whats going on?" lots of people ask me this repeatedly as if i have loads and loads to say. the answer here is that i dont necessarily have very much.. there might not be very much going on and then people give me the look that says "hmmm.. im not sure i believe you" when i say "thats about it". ive never been one to talk about superficial things very much and i dont wish to begin now.

THIS IS NOT A SLATING OF ANYBODY IN PARTICULAR BEFORE PEOPLE GO GETTING OFFENDED (maybe i should have put that at the beginning...)

i guess what im trying to say is that im really not liking people who are trying to completely avoid the fact that things at my end arent A OK and conversely the people who seem to continually focus upon the fact that things arent ok and want reasons, why's and therefores that im not able to give.

the bottom line is this:

im not doing especially great at the moment. yes i am really depressed, and yes, medical related things are probably a big contributing factor to this, but if im honest its something that has never really completely gone away to start with and stuff at the moment is making it a lot worse and im prolly at the second worst ive been with it since the beginning (and yes there are people who know the worst although only one from that time itself- [thank you abbie :)] but thats something that im not going to be going into for a long time) but i know that it could be worse- ive been there, and im in a better place to deal with it now than i was then, and i am actually considering going to see somebody... mainly purely from other people telling me to, cause anyone who knows me knows how much i hate hospitals and doctors and situations where people in person are involved ie face to face- they make me want to run as far as possible- hence i find it much easier to chat/blow off steam/have in depth conversation on here as opposed to IRL, and so thats a big thing for me.
at the moment i jsut want to get on with things as best i can as a lot of them are hard enough at the moment anyhow, without feeling like people are trying to either 'handle me with care' or try to get to 'the root of the problem'
im not mad/upset with any people who are guilty of this and its not really something to feel guilty about - i know that you mean well and the gesture is appreciated, but its virtully impossible to explain face to face and when ive tried (and i have tried) it really seems as if they arent listening.

okay... im done being so whingey now.... its very rare that i rant on about that kind of thing cause i really really dont want it to become the thing i am defined by and the only thing i ever post about.... it all prolly gets a bit more attention than it should mainly because it is prolly the biggest thing in my life at the moment and it does invade most of the things i do in some way,. and while i really wish it didnt that is unfortunatley fact.... so yeah i guess tho that is the main battle i hvae.... specially with the depression. The battle to not let it become the thing that defines me. That's something i know i cant win, i lost once before, but i know someone who can win that battle, and i know that i cant give up the fight, and i know that i cant fight it by myself but i have friends who will stand with me and for that i am grateful, however it does mean that i have to be honest about the reality of the situation, which i guess is kinda what this post is about. it may seem like im having a really down day but actually im not. today is an okay to moderately good day.... definately better then yesterday anyhow!

this however is the reality of it, and now that that reality is known i can keep up that honesty hopefully. Admittedly a lot of people will probably say that by posting it for all the world to see on here isnt the best idea in the world, but this is easier (and cheaper in terms of phone calls) than having to repeat the same thing 6 or 7+ times.... all the regular readers of this i count as my friends and id like to be able to think that i can have the same level of integrity with all my friends and not just some.


this is a huge post i know and its taken me well over and hour and a half to write it....
and now im going to go and make lunch (muggins here ended up doing 5-6days of everybodies washing up last night so we definately have some clean pots :S) and then finish the synoptic excersice i started last night and the rest of my notes being written up so i can try and enjoy my weekend instead of stress over all the work i have to do.

i really feel like apologising for this post..... i guess its cause theres confrontation in it.... i hate confrontation... and im confronting my fears my self and i guess to some extent other peopel.. but im not going to apologise because i think this was good necessary confrontation not bad...

sara

had a crap day.
thats all there is to say really.

just got back from town/philly.
went to stationary box and got the uini stiff i needed.
then went to the shops to get some food... so now i have food as well as essentials :)
coach tickets are nearly sorted.

i now have 2 hours in which to copy up notes and the like and make a start on the rest of this work before going out again... then when i get back i think its the 'house night out' dunno if im in the mood for it today though.

oh and hello to hendryx who i caught the tram into town today.

to give you an idea as to how well my brain is functioning today... i went to the bus stop thinking.. get a day saver get a day saver get a day saver get a day saver... i got on the bus and got a single :S

okay... am about to go.. and then in town on my way back am going to book my coach tickets to london
then its work.. all the way...

:)

today.. im gonna finish watching spiderman...
also two meetings on the agenda.
one at 12 and one at 6. hopefully the one at 6 will be done by 7 cause id quite like to go and sit in on prayers this evening.

might tryand set up internet banking today too...
hmmm. i dunno bout that one though.

anyway. have good days y'all.

lots of questions and soul searching this evening.
some of them normal some of them not..
and i know that ill not find any answers today
you might ask why im doing it then
i cant honestly give a good hard reason
its just where my head is going.

i miss the old days of #tapton and IRC
the days when there were lots of people around and thered be usually completely meaningless conversation happening in main chan and thered be at least three PM convos going on that youre involved with and it was a lot of fun....
of course then all the crap happened which ended up with noone going in the channel and myself and someone else completely extricating ourselves from everything... still.. its not too bad a place now.... not many people in there ever... but you can always learn something when you go in...

anyhow.. am ranting on like an old woman.... abck in the days and all that..
gonna go watch spiderman....

do you know i started this post at 8.40pm?

:S

oh well ... dunno where tonight went