'Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God, your playing small does not benefit the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'

- Nelson Mandella


wow! came across this on a webpage... how inspired!

i love these two works.. the first is Kipling's 'If' - true words of wisdom there!
the second is from 'the man of la mancha' - the impossible dream

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrighrable wrong
To love pure a chaste from a far
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for a right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To fight the unbeatable foe
To reach the unreachable star

IT REALLY WHIPS THE LLAMA's ASS!!!!

this is the last shot at it, but we're gonna have one last go at recording tomorrow, if it dont work then i give up.
ill admit defeat and say goodbye.
the method? somethign i suggested a while ago that was never given consideration through noones fault.

"this is historical!" - should be hisory making....
undependant - independant
2 more amusuing gaffes from me today...

so liverpool are kicking ass at the moment,and im sat here wihmy v townie headfones but no music playing.. whats up wid that??

sara "if anyone wants me ill be in my room" says:
havent set a good president
sara "if anyone wants me ill be in my room" says:
really

????

i think i meant precedent?

oh dear....

serves me right for playing solitaire till gone half one this mornign i suppose....

im being cheesy now and listening to bowling for soup!
punk rock 101..... still i haveto say, i like a bit o cheese once in a while...
ive pulled a muscle in my side-one of the ones that goes to your hip.. ouch!

hmmmmm. i just asked someone whatkind of music man they were!!!

well, a big fat zero on the comments- it does work! i just tested it!!!!

got a voicemail and no credit... dont ask me why it went straight to voicemail... :S
arsenal match starts soon, however today i resolve to continue packing....
also want a bath to clearthe clay out of my hair, but i might leave it till the morning... this is probably the most nervous ive been before leading worship and my voice is playing up a bit which isnt good but it WILL be fine. Rachel is gonna play keys for me, and im hoping that the voicemail was dan sayign that he's still okay to play as well.....

this morning i recieved my sachet of magnesium citrate for my barium meal... fun......

have got three offers to help move house which is great!

if i can am gonna try and move a bit of stuff midweek, but hopefully the bulk on saturday, when i get back from the peaks... or sunday morning, and mick said he'd bring the trailer and stuff and wayne's gonan help wiht anythign i didnt get moced at the weekend.

wow bad spelling!
anyhow, off to play isketch now...
bbl
sara

ive hit a stop in terms of packing.... i just dont want to do any more!
its really stoopid cause i know i need to!
i also need to hope my student loan comes through sooner rather than later,cause wiht me moving out im going on a mission to prove that im not untidy! which means i need to buy some box files, and some way of keeping all of my notes organised in the box files....


the other thing ive been thinking about is actually doing my a level chemistry... ive got the one module and did quite well.. id have so rather have quit maths than chemistry when i was forced to drop one.... i dont know why i idnt push for it.. oh wait.. i do... i was being a pushover! i think it costs £200 to do it in evenign school.. so not this year but next.

im also still looking for a job... picked up a star last ngiht and have been highlighting possibles.
im actually seriously thinking about applying to be an ambulance technician...
however at the moment anythign will do...

also need to start clearing my crap off this computer...
shouldnt have more than 2 gig i reckon so thats okay...
also 1st thing i need to do when i move in is to clear outr my own pc aswell... need to format and stic somethign thats compatible with the network there on...

other things i need to get at some point soon...

a tower cd rack (pref for at least 80cd's)
box files
some decent stationary
plastic sheeting (for my art materials)
a 3 guitarstand!

i also need to decide whether or not i need to dismantle and transport my shelves (that i built myself)
to keep some space there... depends on the situation and size of thewardrobe that wont be usedfor clothes cause i dont have that many and certainly not any that need hanging!

well, i sposei should get on with it then!
actually might take the laptop upstairs and finish my letters...

catch ya later.
sara

check out the fact that i finally got a comments system... ANDYROO! (hehem)
seriously though... this should make it easier on all you's whove been telling me to do it.. so USE IT!

also use it to say hi.. let me know youve been here etc, and as always if theres anythign you dont wanna it in public feel free to email me.

i think i like my hair...its taken a few days to get used to but once i get past the stage of it being in my face annoying me....itll be cool... AND it will spike!!!! - i dreaded it yesterday to see if it would work with the clay stuff i have, and that worked fine, wax is better for anything more permanant (which i dont want) , so i reckon that now the sections should be light enough... (i have the quantity of hair a blonde should have, however i dont have the fineness of hair a blond possesses- its wiry and much more of a ginger quality meaning very thinck hair, which weighs a ton!)plus the fact that at its shortest its less than 1cm in length!


still waiting on the uni thing... not stressing though..

im gonna pick up some keys to the house on sunday, and hopefully we'll find a fourth housemate really soon- the guy who was supposed to have moved in backed out last night...meaning that its now gonna cost around 70£ extra a month.. which none of us can afford. anyone interested in joining the little crew in the house then email me for details- ill tell you for free thats its cheap!

found out today that sheffield have completely sold out of meatloaf tickets.... this is slightly annoying as its a present to abbie, so im just going to have to take her to either manchester or newcastle to see them... i reckon manchester is a safer bet cause then we wont be stuck in a train station for a night as theres the 2am train back which is what we did when we went to see bonjovi... everyone i knew that went converged on that train (dan b, dave, darren and his g/f dan r and his brother and me!) and its only an hour as opposed to three each way.. that way i have 2 dates to choose from as well..

ive split my lip- my top one straight up the middle- its SO painful, and really harsh cause i cant sing now.. :( good job we're not practicing today!

my sister is fishing today... i think im hte only one who's avoided that hobby in my family... (also managed to avoid inheriting any talent at art as well.... hmmmm) my dad is really into it, my mum used to be, i went a couple of times and my sister started this season and is really enjoying it, so i hope she keeps it up. she's in a leage at the moment and the top 9 get to go to lightwater valley (woohoo!) apparently today she's caught a tench and a perch at least... apparently she's doing okay. its their presentation tonight and apparently matt hayes (a tv fisherman) is meant to be there... which if that happens ill be quite impressed... i dont think im going to go to it though.. i know in some ways its like im not supporting my sister but i still cant face the thought of being in the same roon as certain people who will be there. anyhow i do need to continue packing, and finish my correspondence (which at the moment consists of three and a half pages of A4 to each person!- good job there are only 6 of them this time round!)

am gonna go find some breakfast now.... (yes i know its lunchtime but im 5 hours behind the rest of the world!)

so yeah.. feel free to coment!

take care,
sara

as of now, nothing to no-one

have beenfeeling ill for a while now.
feeling depressed/deflated/destroyed/de...(something) doesnt really help.

got a bit more packing done today, also had my hair cut off. people at cluster sempt to like it...

it seems that all i can do at the moment is be harsh and cutting and not very nice. if ive seemed like that to you then i apologise, i really do. i think the best policy at the moment is just to remain quiet and that way i wont upset anyone or say anything dumb.

abbie comes back on sunday... i wish i could say im looking forwards to it more than i am, but im just not that excited.
plus the next weekend biene and joely are coming to sheffield to stay with abbie. thats really cool, but its the weekend i move, im meant to be driving to the peaks with them, as well as move, and get ready for the hospital. i dont know how im gonna manage all of it. oh and im sure im meant to be runnong stomp/dynamites at crookes that sunday morning as well cause lizzie isnt there... i dont think i can though... the last thign i want is to be over tired on the day of the gastroscopy.

anyhow, im gonna go now, as i dont really have anyhting to say.
sara

wel i didnt go to the house, cause i was feeling crap to be honest..... however, still managed to enjoy being there kindof by a bit of a to do with people nicking lee's fone and sending me rather weird txts.... they then changed fone and person to..... cooky! this was useful in that i now have his msn and mobile number- he's starting physics at sheffield next year, which will be cool...
the batemoor reopens today... when i actually get up i might wander down.... still feel really tired and not quite with it, and my left arm is sooooooo painful.... if my arm stops hurtning and im up in a decent time there may be a prac today...

i watched a really good film last night, and i really want to see it again, maybe even own it. it was called 'the body' (its not the stephen king story of the same name.... the film of that was 'stand by me' anythow...) and is quite a recent film (2000) starring antonio banderas. it also had derek jacobi in it. it was about the discovery of a body in jerusalem which coud have been christs and the vatican sent banderas' character to investigate (Along with an archaeologist) as to whether or not th e body was or could have been that of jesus. it explored the implications of that as a find, but also the political tensions throughout jerusalem and also the journey of banderas having to reconsider his own faith.....

really good, but its a shame that sky feel they have to show it at 1am when i really cant pay as much attention as i would have liked....

im bored.

was sposed to have had my hair cut today, but mick forgot and went to skegvegas so instead im gonna get it done on tuesdya.....

arg!

weird things in the land of sara..
head full...
gonna go think..
am off to dan/leannes (soon to be mine too!) house later i think...

update.. barium meal is on the 15th september

also updated. its now confirmed im moving out on the weekend of the 6th september (providing i can find 150 quid for the bond) im really lookign forwards to it.
this week ive spent packing and boxing... so yeah.. thats the big news.

im gonna go to bed in an hour or so...
lol.. yep ive been up all night.
this would be because i didnt get up until 3.30 pm.

went to bed fairy early too... slept for 14 hours...

gastroscopy to take place on 8th september.
barium meal to be arranged asap. thats the latest news.

the letter i got this morning rethe barium meal said "you will be asked to drink 2 cups of liquid barium which wewill then xray at frequent intervals, and dependant on how long it takes to pass through your intestines could take 4 hours"

yipee! :S

abbie gets back in 10 days... :)

thats it from me.

dont you love comments which are directly related to or aimed at people without there being any indicaTION of that being the case... i dont have that skill, and im glad, because i hate the effect of it.

okay, a request.

im not meaning to sound horrible or mean or anythign...

but please can people stop ringing to see if im okay or if they can do anyhting to help.....
the short answer is no, not really... you cant make it all go away, and distraction is something i can provide for myself at the moment.... and if i need help with that then i will ask.
ive had four people ringing me to see if im okay today- yes, things are tough, and im not particularly enjoying thigns at the moment, BUT i cant change whats happening- not in any real sense, and unfortunately, i just dont thrive on being mollycoddled ( i know that im not, but its just the other extreme to usual it seems that way)
i feel as if im being checked up on like people think im gonna do something irrational or somethign..... well, im not....
im sensible and boring and am not going anyewhere for a while... - this isnt aimed at anyone in particular and certainly not at the peopel who just ask and then leave it, moreso if at all at the people who dont take that for an answer and strive to get to the bottom of somethign that isnt necessarily there....

surely its okay not to know exactly how it all makes me feel? or to not feel?

i admit that i dont think im taking any of it very well.... and at the moment i cant see an up-side to any of it, but given time ill stop swinging between it being like something thats happenign to someone else and all of the overwhelming feelings that are happening... everythign happenign at once doesnt help....

i may, however have some exciting news... will keep posted if it comes to pass though.

sorry for the mini rant that probably made no sense- im not quite sure what i was trying to say.
sara

not posting much.
dont wanna infect anyone with the mega downer im on today.
exam went better than last time, but i dont think ive done enough to pass the module....this means either a year out or repeating the year. i dont wanna do either.
i wanted to carry on.
am at home now, came to sort out my student loan application.
am about to go back, and sit in solitude and watch videos and leave the baileys in the fridge alone!
its seems as if everythign is falling apart. i guess its time for the REM to appear, and pistachio ice cream.
have already done chocolate recently.

finally making some form of headway ont he greek.
dont hold out too much hope of passing mind.... but ive made some cheat sheets which are helping with the coursework immensly and im picking up some of the grammar stuff in dsoing that so maybe itll help. i know that most of my previuos mark will have been coursework based, like i reckon out of the hideous 18% grade 10 of those percents was coursework, with this being handed in a reckon i can add another 8 percent, taking my total to 18 before i go into the exam leaving me with 22% to get qwhich means i need 70 marks roughly to pass with a little space. (70/30 split in favour of exam, so every 4 marks i get on the exam, three of them count and its out of 200 so 50 marks on the exam is 25% (on the exam) 100 marks is 50% and 35% overall meaning 50 marks is 17.5%)

so if i got 70 marks in the exam that would be 26.7% overall, plus 18% = 44.7%
60 22.5% = 40.5%

if i can remember which word is what, ie 1st declension noun i possobly stand a chance.
80 marks on grammar section, 20 on questions, 100 on set texts. vocab is going to be what fails me i reckon this time, though im picking it up again.

am gonna head to bed now and have an early start in the morning. exam is at 13.30 in the octagon. have nearly finished coursework 3 which is the longer of the 2. finishing the coursework doubles as revision and then i can read through the set texts.
the other major problem i had last time was readfing the font the greek was written in....

thats my day really!

depending how it goes, i may go out later i may not....
k.

off to bed now.
night

ps, wish me luck and PRAY!

well, just successfully held a barbie!!!!

im actually quite impressed- i organised a social occasion involving invites and it worked! it was a cluster bbq and i think that all present enjoyed themselves. mark, paul, laul, james, ruth and myself had a three set volleyball contest which was immense fun- we took over the garden next door as noone lived there, which made an intersting but larger court. on one team was ruth paul and myself and on the other was james laul and mark. one or two slight injuries but generally fun.
jenny, beth, han, becca and laura tended the bbq itself, while adam encouraged them in it and i think an enjoyable evening was had by all. there isnt too much mess left to clean up which is good...

anyhow, a bit of an update ,mefeels, is required.

sunday saw the second of the sunday family services, and it went really well. mick was well impressed and passed a message by becca saying as such, which was very nice..

monday saw my sister arriving to stay the night. she behaved, which was good, if she was a bit off, but im really pleased that kinda worked, and tyhis morning we watched chitty chitty bang bang and in the afternoon i continued to help her set up her laptop and put some of the mp3's i have (and have respective songs on cd, so theyre legal) on there, and prepared for the bbq.

but yeah, we finally have some stuff recorded! as to how it will all sound, it exists!
it was a very long hard, emotion filled battle to get there, but eventually we did.
a huge thanks has to go to chris for putting up with us for so long, even when tempers frayed, and for doing the recording, and generally supporting us and to Mrs Scrimshaw for allowing us to run riot in her living room.

so yeah, a busy couple of days!!!


whats in store??? well, tomorrow is a dauy of reckoning in many ways. numberone, is the hospital appointment and results- i think that whatever the outcome its going to be not amazing, unless god has healed me, that isnt me having a negative attitude but a realistic one.. chances are ill have to go back regularly for a good many years, and that is not a nice thought to have.
also i have to hand in my coursework tomorrow. one of two things will happen here.... results are zas good as possible, coursework is handed in before 5pm. results are bad... i go into hiding.

thursday sees intense revision for exam on friday morning. if the coursework all goes in, and i can get the grammar, then i pass.
friday wuill be an interesting day as well. saturdsay is a general tidy up day and sunday sees me go home and try the parental situation.

but yeah, long enough post from me here,
how you doing ;-) ?

sara

today got really crap and then turned out quite well....

we left to collect chris at 9am, were back for ten, and its taken us till 10.30pm!!!!!!! to actually get anything sounding vaguely decent, and obviously, 12.5 hours of screwing around with settings and methods meant that we havent actually recorded anythign yt, however, but tomorrow, after church were gonna do it tomorrow..... we're ;eaving everything untouched tonight so we can just go for it wen we arrive tomorrow...
im currently on chris' laptop so i keep making typos so im gonna stop.. will put a long post up from uni on monday or something......

ttfn...
sara

hey, thought that i would do a quick update just to let you all know that i am still alive and all the rest of it- im currently using eds broadband connection and am typing away on his laptop as i write (well duh!) as we've just finished one of the less successful acoustic practices that we've had recently. there were various reasons for this- perhaps the most worrying for me being that my voice is screwed today- its mainly hayfever,partly glands as im cutting a new wisdom tooth at the moment.
it is only worrying as tomorrow we embark on what will hopefully be a success, infinitum may well soon be avaliable in audio. i for one really hope that tomorrow works. chris is coming rund and bringing some equipment which we dont have to try and get abetter sound. this then means we get gigs and i get paid- hurrah!

it also means i can stop getting so damned frustrated cazuse itll be possible. im about to nip home now, via a chicken outlet with ed to pick up lemsip, buttercup syrup, albas oils and give myself the head cold treatment. its been a while since ive had t do that....
am also gonna find my wrist support cause theyre playing up- i think its the heat cause im cliking kmuch worse than usual... also managed to click my shoulder out during prac- a more horrible crunch you never did hear- it h\ad pitch and resonance!!! its fine however, and other than that im in quite good spirits and not looking forwards to next week very much- hospital appoointment (which is fine) and resit to dread.... really need to pass.... ive decided what i wanna be!!!!! lol. ill be gutted if i fail.

anyhow..gonna now, tgalk to y'all soon,
sara

have been trying to get hold of jack and andrew today.. both unsuccessful thus far- well i did get hold of jack who was gonna ring back half an hour later... that was at 6.30 tho....
although good news is that jack got a job so im pleased for him.
tomorrow sees me at philadelphia in the afternoon and then going to town in the evening .tonight i had a long awaited bath- hopefully that will help to sort my neck out, and im gonna kick back with a film and some ice cream- maybe a beer?

anyhow i wanna see how the clergy do in the semi finals of universioty challenge.
bye

just to let y'all know that im back in sheffield and okay. am gonna finalise songs im doing for worship tomorrow.... really hope it goes well...

sara

oooh... 7 minutes of net time left before it runs out so im going to see if i can blog continuously without stopping unitil it does and then i havent wasted my money.

got my application form for rock steady security this morning- woohoo!!! if i get that iot means lots of gigs for free which is nice and occasional work in other cities if i want it....

am packed up and ready to go now- just need to put my tent down in the morning which will be earlyu as we're hoping for a 9am start to leave which will be nice i9n terms of arrival time back in sunny sheffield.

have played so much frisbee this week its been stupid!!!
also got some of my sight back qwhich is brilliant- dunno if i told anyone about the blind spots which suddently developed a few weeks ago.- i got one on my right eye and the aq fortnight ago ai got a smaller one on my left eye. i think ithe one onmy left eye has gone and im not noticing the one on my right eye.
bought 2 books this week- the god catchers (sequel to the god chasers) and a book called hearing god.

its been an interesting week though- the last shift i had today was dead- only about 20 people in the whole of the 3 hours.....so not at all too bad. am hioping that tonight will be enjoyable... might even stay around to watch the gig thats happening in thje em-gen venue tonight although i dunno about that one.......

this keyboard is better than the last one however i still cant type on this one very well, however i am attemptin to touchtype so im actually not doing too badly i dont think.....
anyhow, i better go cause i need to get tea and the canteen shuts in 20 minutes!

take care y'all

sara